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Caption Vote
Reed: "I wont ask again....WHERE ARE MY CURLY FRIES!!!!????"
Malcolm : Mr. Will Smith !!!! I think it's time for you to go.
Malcolm: "Are you friend or foe!?"
Shran: "It's... complicated."
I won't warn you again, Mr. Watson. Drop the guitar!
"Back off you captioneers! You'll get to Mr Kennedy over our dead bodies!"
When you don’t give the fans a good story, don’t be surprised if they revolt.
“I will hold this caption competition hostage until I win!”
Do you think the script for closing the competition got lost in the move to the new server?
Reed: “I’m telling you… This IS the new Caption Competition. We ARE from the original series. I’m Lt. Rowe. These are Lt. Leslie and Lt. LaSalle… [say what?] Oh yeah… DeSalle… Lt. DeSalle… RIGHT HERE BEHIND ME.”
"Give us a new screenshot right now!"
"Look. I can shoot my name. R...E...E...."
"Sir, those people were surrendering.
"...and D."
Guy on the left: *sudden existential crisis ensues*
Lt. Reed: Put your hands up and I will open fire!
Don't you mean 'OR I will open fire?'
Lt. Reed: He's gonna fire! Shoot! Shoot!
"There's no May Day holiday for YOU, Mr. Kennedy!"
We protest… IN SPAAAAAAAAAACE!!!
Reed is not a fan of April Fools.
Reed forcefully rejects his mandated retirement.
It’s like Schrödinger’s captions.
Reed: "ALL RIGHT MR. KENNEDY... PICK A WINNER FOR APRIL... NOW!"
Security Officer: "Careful Mr. Reed... You might scare him off."
Déjà vu
♫ Time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin… into the future ♫
(Security Guard on the right) "Why do you get a telescopic sight on your rifle? They are right in front of us!"
(Security Guard on the left) "Because I can't hit a shuttlecraft at five paces."
Actually, to give the show a sense of ancientness, the guys in the back are actually video taping the action using those old, huge VHS cameras.
It’s amazing that they don’t use communicators with large battery bags attached to them, like early Motorola cell phones did.
If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let…
Voices from behind: His “skill” is he makes lists… long lists that’ll make you rue the day you were born.
Archer: It’s NOT JUST YOU! We’re ALL getting cancelled…
Malcom: We have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And we're all out of bubblegum.
Offscreen: How about a breath mint?
We have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And we're all out of bubblegum.
From behind: I've got a few sticks of chewing gum.
My reaction when somebody says Star Wars is better than Star Trek
"CHROMEDOME! Get your hands away the keyboard ... we don't need another caption about hemorrhoids! Especially mine!"
Offscreen: It’s not quantity, it’s QUALITY!
Malcolm: Well, we’ve got three big guns, and they’re REALLY scary looking…
… and I want you to change my name to Mr. E, instead of Mr. Reed …but say it like “MYSTERY” except spell it MysterRE… because I am VERY mysterious, and my super powers will be shooting and charm, because I really like guns, and I can be REALLY charming… Reed was an ugly drunk.
Malcolm and friends acting out a fantasy sequence from The Thin Blue Line, The Musical.
Malcolm: I can’t wait to kick some Russian-Fascist asses!
Voice from behind: Sir, we think the preferred term is “rascist” asses.
Malcolm: … and did we mention that we highly disapprove of people submitting faux Frankie Chestnuts captions? Especially the ones that do not adhere to his high quality standards?
“Respect my AUTHORITAH!!”
Mr. Malcolm: “Alright... we have a very serious problem! M’Kay. I've just come from the men's restroom, and somebody went #2 in the urinal!”
All [snickering]
Mr. Malcolm: “Oh you think that's funny? M'kay! You're gonna think it's real funny when Security gets here! You all don't seem to understand how serious this is!! Could we get back to the issue, please... Now who made dookie in the urinal?!”
“THE RULES ARE NOT MEANT TO BE BROKEN!!!”
First time I saw you girl, I cacked my pants
Shit just flew everywhere, as I danced.
Then came the cleanup crew, they weren't impressed, but they had soon cleaned up – the mess.
“Captain Archer. You are under arrest for that video you made regarding Porthos, Phlox and a stick of butter.”
"All your bases are belong to us!"
Reed: "♫ I see a little silhouetto of a man
Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?
Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me. ♪’
Security Officer Carl: "Sir…?”
Reed: “Carl?”
Carl: “♪ (Galileo) Galileo, (Galileo) Galileo, Galileo Figaro magnifico-o-o-o-o. ♫"
Reed: Yep, I think it will be the best thing for you to STAND DOWN
Reed: “I find it hard to believe I’ve traveled THOUSANDS of miles...”
Security Officer: “Millions.”
Reed: “...MILLIONS of miles for an invited tour...”
Malcolm: "Put your hands where I can see them!"
Other security officer: *whisper whisper*
Malcolm: "What? Oh. I mean tentacles! Put your tentacles where I can see them!"
Reed: "Okay, listen up… Your log-in passwords ALL need to be changed. Your passwords MUST contain a capital letter and an alpha numeric character.
Your passwords MUST NOT contain Denoblian words… Phlox, I think you know who I am referring to.
Your passwords MUST NOT contain swear words and they MUST NOT contain the words Malcolm, Reed or Sucks. T'Pol, I think you know who I am referring to..."
Frankie Chestnuts: "Oops."
Reed: "Okay, listen up… Your log-in passwords ALL need to be changed. Your passwords MUST contain a capital letter and an alpha numeric character.
Your passwords MUST NOT contain Talaxian words… Neelix, I think you know who I am referring to.
Your passwords MUST NOT contain swear words and they MUST NOT contain the words Malcolm, Reed or Sucks. Mr. Tuvok, I think you know who I am referring to..."
"Hey, Kennedy! Put me back on the old server! NOW!"
Reed: "HEY BABE! Check out the GUN SHOW going on over here!"
In a moment of rage, Reed decided to hunt down those in the crew that kept writing erotic stories regarding himself and Commander Tucker.
"I like big guns an' I can not lie!"
Don't make us go "Pew, Pew" again!!
Everyone get back, this is the last clean bathroom on the ship, and it's ours!
Malcolm: "Okay Miss Marple!!! ENOUGH!! STOP REFRESHING!!
Thanks to “body positivity,” future generations could watch Magic Mike performed fully clothed. Of course, people still want to see some oiled up guns…
Thanks to “body positivity,” future generations could watch Magic Mike performed fully clothed. Of course, people still want to see some oiled up guns…
Thanks to “body positivity,” future generations could watch Magic Mike performed fully clothed. Of course, people still want to see some oiled up guns…
We're a thousand light years from Earth, in the middle of hostile territory with no idea if we will ever see home again! HOW DID YOU FIND ME MOTHER?!?!?
"Let me be clear about this ... GherkOUT!"
Reed is not a fan of practical jokes.
Reed: "Okay Black Bart... Now you'll get yours!"
Trip (Off screen): "Careful, Malcolm... You'll shoot your eye out!"
Reed: "Yes... This IS a phase pistol, and my colleagues ARE armed with Super Soakers..."
You two had better not be staring at my bum.
All right, you Caitian! Step away from the Captain's dog NOW, and no one gets hurt!
Even the most diehard Trek fans are angry over something.
Reed forcefully asserts his opposition of the suggestion they should produce "Enterprise: The Musical"
Crewman ! I don't think you understand NO Smoking !!!!
Wesley Crusher !!! Get of this ship right now or die !!!!!
Violet threats tend to be very scary when spoken in a language the victim does not understand. Reed chose the wrong language: Government.
"This lockdown party is over! Collect your fixed penalty charges from my colleagues and return to your quarters immediately!"
"Trip, I know you have dubious sartorial taste, but you are NOT going out dressed like that!"
"As the saying goes ... Kiss My Chuddies!"
It's not the size of gun that matters it's how you use it.
Malcolm: I am SICK …
(PEW)
and TIRED …
(PEW)
of everyone treating me like I’m the “Arnold Rimmer” of this entire Enterprise (PEW-PEW-PEW)!
Voices behind him, quietly:
On Right: Take him out?
On Left: Friendly fire it is…
"NO! I am NOT over-reacting! Now own up. Who left a No.2 in the officers toilet?"
Malcolm: "Hands up, evildoer! Also, imagine that I'm shouting something badass and witty right now, because I'm bad at thinking up stuff on the fly!"
Malcolm, whispering behind to his right: I don’t care if it your “curling wrist” is “acting up!” Raise your weapon!
(offscreen) "Cut! Let's do that again from the top, please."
(Reed) "Why? What was wrong with that?"
(offscreen) "Dominic, try to sound a little less menacing when you deliver your line."
(Reed) "Less menacing? How much less menacing can I make 'Die, Alien Scumbag!'"
"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"If you put that sub in the toaster then I will be forced to shoot you."
There are many conceptual hills people are willing to die on. Reed will always defend Berman and Braga’s control over Star Trek.
When asked to check the Captain’s Log, Reed panicked. His thoughts are always in the gutter.
"WE ... are the security men who say ... NI!!! And we demand ... A ... better caption!"
Cowboys line dancing… with shiny guns… IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE!
Some hiccup remedies...are rather extreme.
Malcolm: "I don't care how you got to our century, you're not welcome on ANY Enterprise, Harcourt Fenton Mudd!"
"You COULD vote for this caption, but then my colleagies and I would have to kill you."
"YOU! Don't vote for that caption!"
Miss Marple, never mind other people, when reading MY captions I often wonder what I'm coping with.
“You will not outlaw Pineapple!!!”
Trigger discipline, man. Damn.
Reed: I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire enough to empty the power cell?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a Starfleet phase pistol, the most powerful handgun in the sector, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?
MACO: God, not this again...
Trekkies: BRING US KURTZMAN OR WE WILL COME IN AND GET HIM!
It appears Covid quarantine fears will continue well into the 22nd century.
Often, while reading other people’s captions, I wonder what issues they are dealing with in their everyday lives.
Utterly incapable of reading an audience, Malcolm sees nothing wrong with forcing his shipmates to watch his a Capella Gregorian throat chant performance at phase pistol-point.
Malcolm: "Halt, alien creature! What are you doing on our ship!?"
T'Pol: "Being the first officer, you dolt."
Malcolm: "Halt, alien creature! What are you doing on our ship!?"
T'Pol: "Being the fist officer, you dolt."
No one expects the Starfleet Inquisition!
Rick Berman and Brannon Braga were taken hostage. All the law enforcement personnel fought to NOT rescue them.
After two centuries of being forced to perform, the Blue Man Group finally revolts.
Malcolm: "Put your hands where I can see them! Yes, all six of them!"
"So if you're hitchhikers, then where are your towels?"
"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
"OK, alien scum! We are the Men In Black ... I mean Blue ... I mean Blue with nice purple stripes!"
"Stand and deliver! Your money or your ... lupins!"
Malcolm: "Okay, boys, keep ready... The enemy is smart. The enemy is fast. But we'll eventually get that mouse!!"
"HEY Russians go F...! YOURSELVES!!"
Only a good person with a gun can stop a bad one.
"Badges we don't need no stinking badges!"
“I refuse to do another underwear scene!”
Someone does NOT want to be Wesley Crusher’s ancestor.
“These are not them! You’ve captured their stunt doubles!”
“KAAAAHN!!!!”
Even in the future, parents will still over react to their daughter’s first date.
Reed just found out that his quarters have been violated by Dr. Phlox.
Off screen, something truly frightening.
What did Wall Street do to warrant a visit from security personnel from a fictional science fiction show?
“I said, I WANT TO SEE THE CAPTAIN!”
“I said, YOU CANNOT SEE THE CAPTAIN!”
Those phase pistols don’t scare anybody. However, IRL, I’ve heard a TNG phaser has been known to scare the crap out of your “friends“ who are trying to “prank” your car.
Malcolm thought the Nerf guns looked really cool once they had been painted silver.
"You'll only get to the beer fridge over our dead bodies!"
(Chromedome, offscreen): "Hey, calm down guys! I'm just here to have a beer with Frankie Chestnuts, OK?"
Malcolm: “Shoot to KILL?” Malcolm did not mean to kill… Only to maim, or seriously injure...
Malcolm: "OK... I NEED TO KNOW... WHO MADE REGULAR COFFEE IN THE DECAF POT???
What do you mean you don't like pineapple on pizza?
Reed Alert! Reed Alert! Everybody to your stations!
Malcome: You did all that just to find out I liked pineapple?
The graphics for Grand Theft Starship looks amazing.
I asked for PINE. APPLE. PIZZA.
Get off my starship, you darn kids!!!
Malcolm: “OK!! I’VE HAD ENOUGH WITH ALL YOUR AMERICAN SLANG!!!
They aren’t COOKIES! They are BISCUITS!
They aren’t FRENCH FRIES! They are CHIPS… and what you call CHIPS are CRISPS!!
It’s NOT an APARTMENT! It’s a FLAT!
It’s NOT a ♫Flash-Light♫… IT’S A TORCH!
And it isn’t a SPANNER… IT’S A… well… maybe it IS a spanner. But you’re wrong about all those other things!"
Malcolm: "We come in peace! Shoot to kill!"
Soval: "Sigh. And you wonder why we Vulcans don't consider you humans ready yet for your forays into space..."
It appears that there are those who have had enough of Frankie Chestnuts’ domination of the caption competition.
Malcolm: "ALL RIGHT... DROP THE CHEESE AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR."
Security on the left: "Sir, it's Porthos... Just a dog."
Malcolm: "Fine... Put your PAWS in the air."
Security on the right (Under his breath): "Poser!"
Security on the left (Under his breath): "True dat."
"We demand a ship to take us to ... LEGOLAND!"
"Get my agent! We want better catering on set!"
"We are not doing another series if you insist on bringing in a time travelling Wesley Crusher!"
"We come in peace! Shoot to kill!"
From behind Malcolm’s back:
Whew! Was that you?
I TOLD YOU I forgot my digestive tablets before dinner, and you said you wouldn’t make a big stink about it. THIS is making a stink about it.
YOU started it…
Malcolm: SHUT UP!!!
From behind Malcolm’s back:
Wow! Was that YOU?
No. He always gets that way when he gets excited.
Malcolm, shooting and screaming at his nemesis: TAKE THAT!
From behind Malcolm’s back: Uh… sir… if he’s truly your nemesis, why don’t you just give up? Being “the inescapable agent of someone's or something's downfall” is the actual definition of nemesis. I mean, save your breath.
Star Trek Enterprise: The Tarantino Cut
Amazon’s reaction to unionized workers.
Lt. Reed is truly zealous at enforcing caption competition rules.
“We want those donuts, and we want them now!”
Mr Trump, concede the election NOW!!
The effects of Order 66 were more far-reaching than anybody expected.
Off-screen: "Do you expect me to surrender?"
Malcolm: "No, Mister Putin, I expect you to die."
Now THIS is how Will Smith should have dealt with Chris Rock.
When your supervisor finds you watching cat videos at work.
Every so often the sourdough starter gets out of hand.
Malcolm in the Middle… IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!
Malcolm: "DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW THIS WEAPON WORKS? I'M SO EXCITED AND I'M YELLING."
Security dude to the left: "Stay calm Mr. Reed. Just aim and slowly squeeze the trigger. It doesn't matter what you shoot at."
Malcolm: "ENOUGH WITH BERMAN & BRAGA!! I didn't mean to bring up such a sore subject... Just let it go!"
Malcolm: For the last time, Captain, I am NOT joining your bloody water polo team!
From behind Malcolm’s back: Uh… sir… that’s gonna leave a mark…
Malcolm: Whose side are you on?
Offstage: He should NOT have hit him.
Guy on Malcolm’s right: Really Dude? You gonna end that query with a preposition?
Nobody's going home until we get the fifth season!
Malcolm: All right! Who raided my pineapple stash?!
When the UPN executives arrived to deliver the news that "Star Trek: Enterprise" had been canceled, they faced some...resistance.
"All right, Braga! You're gonna pay for "These Are The Voyages"!"
“Go on, say it! Say Berman and Braga were the best people to run Star Trek!”
“Say hello to my little friend!”
When being confronted by angry fans, don’t defend yourself with useless props.
Every time someone argues with Berman or Bragga, an Enterprise episode looses all continuity.
Malcolm: "Allright... WHO took the last chicken parmesan?"
This was not what fans meant when they said they would be interested if Enterprise shot more sex scenes.
Negotiations for season 5 of Star Trek didn't end well as you know.
“Why can’t Paramount share? Why won’t they let Star Trek continue to be on Netflix?!”
This is your final warning ! Show us your proof of vaccination or be cured for life.
When you are tired of finding rodents in your pantry.
Clearly, Malcolm is not compensating for something. I do not know about his two lackies.
Malcolm: You were supposed to save Enterprise, not destroy it!
Berman and Bragga: We hate you!
Malcolm: “Drop that beagle and raise your hands… slowly!”
Oops!
SORRY!
My bad…
Malcolm: “YES I HAD THE SEA BASS!! WHAT ABOUT IT??”
When you are pleading innocent of a crime, an image of you violently robbing a bank is a very bad thing.
“I want my pizza, and I want it NOW!”
The spoiled child effect is well known to last into adulthood.
Here we see Malcolm Reynolds re-enacting his version of ‘Hello, Dolly.’
“This is an injustice! This will not stand! I was supposed to make contact with that Deltan ship, not T’Pol!”
“This is my phase pistol. There are many like it, but this one is mine!”
Malcolm was truly panicking. Why couldn’t anyone understand that he was not interested in a little probing.
Malcolm: "If you can dodge a phase pistol... You can dodge a ball!"
Malcom: “ALL RIGHT! BERMAN & BRAGA!!! You two get over here and explain to us all why we’re canceled!”
Malcolm, missing the entire concepts of both making first contacts, and being a welcoming host: Hold it right there! I SAID “how do you take your tea?”
Frankie Chestnuts: “All right… EVERYONE step back!! Bird of Prey… OVER THERE! Chromedome! BACK OFF! WHERE THE HELL IS The Geek??? Miss Marple… Come’ere… You’re ALL MINE!!”
Malcolm’s ill-faded music video:
I like big guns, and I cannot lie…
Wrong on so many levels.
"Geg back! You're not going to put ME in your caption competition!"

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© Graham & Ian Kennedy Page views : 81,416 Release date : 11 May 2022