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CSI: Enterprise
Even data failed the Kobayashi Maru.
"End simulation."
"Advice, Admiral?"
"Prayers, Mr. Data. Klingons don't take prisoners."
His shirt is red,
He looks very dead,
but most of all,
He works for the Fed!
Data: Captain, I believe that a FULL circle of protection is required... a semi-circle or a demi-lune does not appear to offer sufficient protection... Captain?
Data: Interestingly enough, the term "droning on" continues to be ...
Data: Simon says stop holding your breath.
Death by laughter. Only Data would be immune.
No living creature can experience ‘Biggus Dickus’ and live.
Data: I do not understand. All that happened was Wesley getting married.
Data: So, this is what happens when Wesley is wrong.
Data: From this angle, it looks as if Commander Riker is ‘checking out’ Councilor Troi.
Data "I explained to them I could kill them all."
They couldn't handle Data's Romulan Kush.
A scene from an abandoned episode sponsored by Unilever - it was going to be called "The Lynx Effect".
(BTW, that's the same as "The Axe Effect" to those of you outside the UK)
Unfortunately Data's simulated B.O. was a touch to strong.
"What's so shocking, guys? I only said that I am really Frankie Chestnuts!"
Data: Now I can finally win the ditl caption competition!
Data: "I guess that wasn't synthehol after all..."
Gravity works.
Data thought he had the perfect joke to tell the bridge crew thinking they will die laughing but after telling the joke they just died
The crew react to the news that DITL have misspelt Geordi La Forge for years.
"Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting!"
Date realized that his Cyborg's batteries had just run out of charge. Now his up the creek...
Data : OOps !!! I did it again ! DOH !!!
Data: Captain, we are receiving a hail from a transport. They say they have Q on board. Captain...?
Diana’s stress let out quite the shock wave.
The announcement of Luwaxana’s confirmed engagement to Captain Picard resulted in a rather expected reaction.
"Mr. Data ... there's something I need to tell you."
"Yes, Captain?"
"Pour me somethin' tall and strong,
Make it a Hurricane before I go insane,
It's only half past twelve, but I don't care!
It's five o'clock somewhere!"
"You mean you want me to drive you to the nearest bar?"
"Yesssssssssshhhhhhhh. Make it soooooo."
That Trump inspired riot made it to the Bridge!
Now I lay me down to sleep.....
Data: "Captain, it appears artificial gravity is not adjusted correctly."
Picard: "I... noticed..."
Data: It appears I am not the only synthetic person on this ship.
Data's random, but highly frequent, recitations of "Ode To Spot" did not go over well with the Bridge Crew.
Evidently, today was a good day to die.
(offscreen) "Alright everyone, back on your marks and we'll go with take 5417 - and Spiner, DO NOT MESS IT UP ... again!"
Captain Picard has outdone himself this time. He not only talked everyone except Data to sleep, but also himself!
As Riker explosively decompresses from holding in a Burrito Bottom Burp, causing everyone else to collapse, Data is glad that he deactivated his olfactory receptors.
Everyone’s reaction to the concept of Wesley being Picard’s illegimate son.
...and Data sang 5678 lullabies from over 376 different species, to find out which one yields the best results.
Life forms cannot handle the awesome power of Q’s voice.
The Bridge Of Sighs (well, snoring anyway)
I wonder who didn't get vaccinated for COVID ?
Data: "Come on, people! I know that our 1st season is subpar - but it isn't THAT bad!"
Unfortunately Data's game of Musical Chairs went a little to far .
Data: "Computer, activate the Emergency Command Hologram now!"
Computer: "Activating ECH. Captain James 'Love Machine' Kirk is on the bridge."
Data : OH ! OH ! The Sheet is going to hit the fan !!!
Mr. Data's comedy routine had some Killer material !!!!
That's not what is meant when critics say that an episode has lazy writing...
Look at this mob! Flat out, after an all nighter on the Holodeck!
So I gather my Chili didn't agree with everyone. DOH !!!!
Now Data understood what a silent and deadly fart is.
This is what happens when you challenge Data to holding his breath .
Data (Wringing his hands): "Mua, haa, haa... Everything is going to plan... So Wesley and I can rule the universe... What could possibly go wrong?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. The Olympics will go on for another 7 days... Captain?"
Data: "So THAT is the problem..."
Picard (mumbling): "I'm a little tea pot, short and stout, here's my handle, here's my spout, tip me up and pour me out. Hic."
Data: "But I thought parties involved games and balloons and stuff like that, not drinking yourself into unconciousness?"
Covid-2342 strikes!
When Starfleet created the policy for scheduled nap times there were unintended consequences...
"Data's personal log, star date 48567.9. We just got attacked by the Borg's lesser known cousins - the Bored!"
In one sentence, describe your co workers.
Sadly, only Data survived meeting Cthulhu.
Everyone’s reaction to seeing something that cannot be unseen.
When the deathknell rings, only Data remains.
Data: ...
Data: So... I see everyone is still breathing...
Let the bodies hit the floor.
Data: I guess this answers the question about 'Where will YOU be when your twenty condoms of China White Heroin burst?'
The crew were exhausted after binge watching the Olympics for two weeks.
Data: "I get the feeling that introducing those 20 hour shifts was a really bad idea..."
Android death burp
Data: "Simon says ... fall asleep!"
Data's log, star date 56547.8. Since I never had a real childhood, I strive to catch up on many of the typical experiences that young humans have. For example, today was my first slumber party.
"Ah, it would seem 138 decibels is above the upper tolerance levels for humanoid aural capacity. I will make the appropriate adjustments to my vocal processing subroutines."
The Star Trek fandom fainted in joy regarding the rumors of Q being in Picard season 2.
Data: Ohhh shit!
Data: Huh, four red shirts.
"Hey you lot! Wake up, Frankie Chestnuts is here!"
Data: Captain, the ‘Q Denial Protocols’ have been activated. What are those?
Keeping up with Data is a killer.
Data: I see. Spot’s litter box needs an extra cleaning.
In the end, no one enjoys dying from laughter.
Data: Note to self, on my next assignment, do not play Monty Python’s "The Funniest Joke in the World" sketch.
Data: OSHA did say that the entire bridge was a “death trap.”
Data: "... but the Ferengi in the gorilla suit can stay. That was the punchline. According to Webster-Merriam's Dictionary, 24th century edition, the 'punchline' is defined as, 'the sentence, statement, or phrase (as in a joke) that makes the point'. Punchlines, it should be noted, are often proceeded by laughter. Thus, I fail to understand your current prone positions."
Data: "Yes, Captain. The Olympics will go on for another 7 days... Captain?
(Offscreen) "Spiner! It's been 5 takes! All you've got to do is FALL OVER!"
“ I’m going sleep this off. Please let me know if there is some other way we can screw up tonight!”
Data: “…and so I says, better wear masks and stay socially distant. Then I says to get your vaccine, Oh it is getting bad again, better start wearing masks again and stay socially distant, I says…”
Of course, the episodes only show the exciting things that happen during the Enterprise's journey. For long stretches of time however, the crew is just bored out of their mind.
Computer: "Would the last person out please switch off the lights. Thank you for your co-operation."
You just can't get the staff these days - always lying down on the job.
"Hey guys, I've managed to get Windows 11 running on the main computer now! I had to stop the life support systems to do it though - Microsoft don't provide a device driver for that."
Star Trek: Red Dwarf Edition - Data is Kryten, the EMH is Rimmer, so who's is going to be Lister and the Cat?
Answers on a postcard to ...
"Well, I thought that went well. What do you lot think ... ahhhh!"
Reminding us why Romulan Ale is illegal.
Sometimes, trying to think of a caption drivees one to absolute exhaustion...
Data was thoroughly confused. Shatner’s writing couldn’t be that bad.
“So, this is what happens when Romulan Ale is aerosolized and added to life support.”
Data turns around in his seat, both eyebrows go up in curiosity "It seems this 'stag night' has not gone according to plan. Everyone has had one too many to drink and have passed out from severe intoxication. I will need to contact Doctor Crusher immediately for hangover cures."
Brent Spiner: "So what did you all think of the new script guys? Guys?"
It was always a challenge getting any work done aboard the USS Narcolepsy.
Data: "I should really learn to keep my spontaneous lectures shorter. Everyone has fallen asleep again."
Data was always the judge for the annual Enterprise "Who Can Pass Out The Best" contest. Worf was always the winner.
Data: Doctor Crusher to the bridge. It happened again.
Data: According to our navigation system, we have arrived at ‘Jonestown.’ Captain?
Data: And the trash won't be picked up till Thursday.
Data: Well we have successfully marathoned the entire MCU. Crew: ZZZZZZZ
Data: And the 45th president of the United States is Donald Trump.
Data: Now if they screw this up a third time I'm blowing up the ship.
The fandoms reaction to Star Trek Discovery.
Data: Ohhhh, it said KILL all humans.
Data: Well now I can take my pants off.
Data: Huh, so that's what the life support is for.
Data: Damn it, that's the third crew I've gone through.
As the effect of the liquid lunch took hold, Data realised why Picard had called him "the designated driver".
Data: "Mwahahaha! Now I can be CAPTAIN!"
Data: “ Captain, in my estimation the anomaly is perfectly safe… Captain?
[Turns slowly]
I guess “safe” is a relative term.”
This is what happened when I stunk out a the Enterprises only toilet...
When the DITL server goes off line, the fans collapse.
Data: Does this mean I get a promotion?
It appears that Data is the only one who does not need the DITL server to function.
This is what happens when you improperly reset a server.
Data: "And that children is the end of our bedtime story"
Data's discovery of his hidden feature "Android death fart!" took the crew by surprise.
Data began to regret playing William Shatner's greatest hits on sub-space radio.
Data: "At that point I was 3 seconds old..."
Announcer: "More readings from Live of a young Data after the break."
Data: "Stardate 23203.2, It's now been 3 months since the coffee ran out."
Everyone falls to the left.
Riker in a desperate desire for the captains chair falls the other way.
Data didn't realise the affect the "Snooze" button would have.
"Do you want to hear the story about my final game of Risk at the academy?"
Data: ...And it was during my analysis of the transkinetic variances associated with hyper-subspace intrusions of class-4 gravimetric fields that I discovered the source of multiple gamma-radiation pulses in synchronicity with the electromagnetic oscillations of binary--Captain? Commander? Why have you all lost consciousness?
While going through a database of Earth's 20th-century entertainment, Data found a piece of music sung by something called a "Jigglypuff" and decided to play it.
The ‘Trust Fall’ exercise was a true failure.
...and that's why Romulan Ale is illegal.
Ring around the rosie,
A pocket full of posies,
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down...
The bridge crew just found the recording Tasha made of herself and Data.
This is what happens when a naked Nelix appears on screen.
When Q’s pranks go wrong, they go wrong.
Data: I did no realize the deactivate command was ‘Wesley got married.’
Picard: Wesley is returning, everyone, play dead!
And here we see Star Fleet’s finest joining Heaven’s Gate.
The universe’s reaction to Wesley Crusher becoming a ship’s captain.
After the end of season party.
Data did not realize his programming had a hidden command to replicate the Vulcan Death Fart.
Data: "What's wrong? All I said was that I don't know the answer?"
Frankie Chestnuts surveils the post captioning carnage.
Data: As I have warned you before, you really should avoid talking about FIGHT CLUB.
Lactose intolerance amount the Klingon species is relatively rare… but can be debilitating.
Data: Captain, OSHA is sending a priority one alert…
Data (to self): “Hold on… I also had the fish at lunch!”
Vulcan death fart?


© Graham & Ian Kennedy Page views : 73,173 Release date : 1 Sep 2021