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Caption Competition

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Sisko: Constable, I want Quark put into protective custody.
Odo: For what reason?
Sisko: He was caught peeping, on Dax while she was bathing.
Odo: And you don’t want Warf killing him before the trial.
“Odo, Quark has crossed a line. I want his ears on my desk by tomorrow morning, 0800.”
“Odo, the next time you want to teach Quark a lesson, make sure it does not also panic Morn.”
Odo: Sir, we have nothing this month. We might as well give it to Frankie Chestnuts again and get it over with.
"I'd have got away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids!"
Sisko: You ALWAYS have to have the last word.
Odo: That's not true.
Odo: I've always believed that ... the length of a man's nose hair is an individual choice...
Star Trek: Deep Gaze Nine
Sisko: "...That's right, all of my underwear was stolen from my quarters."
Odo: "Very well, I'll open an investigation, beginning with Quark."
Sisko: "Quark? Why?"
Odo: "I always investigate Quark."
Sisko: "You know, I might not actually want to know about his level of involvement..."
"TONIGHT ... on the Galaxy's Worst Deep Space 9 Police Interceptors Caught On Camera ..."
Odo: You wanted to discuss my log entries?
Sisko: Starfleet prefers you just start off with "Constable's Log:" and proceed from there. There's no need for a preamble like "Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death..."
Odo: You object to Shakespeare?
"If I discover that X is ten, does that make me an existentialist?"
Odo: "I talked to The Geek about his puns."
Sisko: "Good. And?"
Odo: "I told him that if he could make me laugh at any one of ten puns, I would not arrest him on a disturbing the peace charge."
Sisko: "Clever. Did he?"
Odo: "No, Commander. No pun in ten did."
Dax (offscreen): "Okay, even I think that was bad..."
Sisko: "Where's Quark?"
Odo: "In my bucket. After what he's done this time, I figured the brig was too good for him."
Hello Word
Sisko: "When I said there was trouble at t'mill, I didn't expect the inquisition!"
Odo: "Nobody expects the Odo Inquisition! My chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear. Fear and surprise ..."
Sisko: "Shut up."
Sisko: "When I ordered a cheesy pizza, I didn't expect you to appear out of the box."
"Yes, I'll have a Babycham."
Do you like cheese as well?
"DO. NOT. EVER. Pretend to be my morning doughnut."
Odo: "I always take care to keep my bucket squeaky-clean. After all, my name is Odo, not Odour!"
“So, Constable. What have you been doing to cause Garak to vandalize your bucket?”
“Constable, why were you pretending to be a wig that fit Quark’s head?”
“How long have you been disguising yourself as Quark’s favorite shirt?”
Sisko: "No Constable... Your ass doesn't look big in that uniform. But good God, your nose could lose a few centimeters."
"Commander, I have a problem with Quark ..."
"So what's new with that?"
"It's about the bands he has booked to play at his bar."
"What of it?"
"Ann Drex And The Cling On Shifters? They might upset the Klingons."
"I'm sure they'll wipe the floor clean."
"Or Big Willy And The Trouser Torpedoes?"
"Willy Eckaslike? He's great!"
"Constable ... does my bum look big in this?"
Sisko: Odo, why is Quark so angry with you this time?
Odo: I got him to get his ears pierced. Without any anesthesia.
“Commander, I am curious. What is this ‘Rickrolling’ that Garak did to you?”
“Odo, I have a new job for you. I want you to make Quark think that he has accessed your surveillance equipment. When that happens, an old Earth ‘music video’ must play on all the monitors in his bar. The recording is ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ by Rick Astly.”
“Odo, what is I hear about you turning into a ‘biggus dickus?’”
"I see your cupcakes ... and raise you my chocolate brownie."
The Bake Off contest on DS9 was taken very seriously.
The "Strictly Come Dancing" lineup is revealed.
Odo: "You would look better with a beard and a shaved head. Just try it out!"
Sisko: "Easy for you to say. You can change your look in a matter of seconds!"
Odo: Commander, have you ever considered getting your ear pierced?
Odo: "Captain, I-"
Sisko: "Constable... I'm going by the name "Hawk" now."
Odo: "Hawk?"
Sisko: "Correct. Hawk. No other name. Just Hawk. Like Bono, or Cher. My best friend is "Spencer".
Odo: "Spencer? Does he have another name."
Sisko: "Nope... just Spencer."
Odo: "Captain, you do realize I only have one name... Like Madonna, or Charo... or Stimpy."
Sisko looked at his latest Amazon delivery with satisfaction. Yes, this was the perfect April Fool for Quark - an inflatable Odo!
Sisko tried so hard not to stare at the blue air freshener on Odo's chin.
Sisko tried so hard not to lookout the blue air freshener stuck on Odo's chin.
Odo: "Did not."
Sisko: "Did too."
Odo: "Did not."
Sisko: "Did too."
Odo: "Did not."
Sisko: "Did too."
Odo: "Did not."
Sisko: "Yes, Odo. You DID turn yourself into a toilet... Now... more importantly... Where do you do this?
Odo: "Before you go, Commander, you need to know about the animorphic beings who inhabit this planet. Apparently they can transform into creatures that closely resemble the Earth bear."
Sisko: "Thank you, Constable."
Odo: "I just wanted you to care and be aware of the werebear scare there."
Kira: (offscreen): "Chief, two to beam out three meters outside Docking Bay Two."
Odo: "...and then I revealed that I've disguised myself as a bar of latinum, and Quark said 'That's not what I meant when I talked about liquidating my assets!'"
“Odo, why were you watching cat videos while you were in duty?”
Odo: "I solved the mystery of why the old and blind Katterpod farmer fell down the well on his property."
Sisko: "And?"
Odo: "He couldn't see that well, Commander."
Sisko: "Where are you getting your material?"
Odo: "From one who calls himself 'The Geek'. I will chat with him about it later."
Sisko: "See to it that you do."
Odo: "I see what you did there."
Kira (offscreen): "AARRGH!"
Sisko: "All that time I thought the Bajorans consider me their Messiah. Turns out they just like my cooking."
"I think we're alone now."
Odo: "My name is 'Odo', with a 'd'. 'Oh no' is just what Quark keeps saying whenever he sees me."
Sisko: "The peace negotiations with the Dominion are going pretty well, it seems. The Founders said that my arguments are all very solid."
Odo: "Um... I hate to break it to you, but that doesn't mean what you think it means..."
Odo: There is a report that Doctor Bashir removed an stick from Major Kira’s hind end, while in public.
Sisko: What!?
Odo: There is more. This stick apparently contained a powered vibration device.
“Commander, there is a rumor going around that you got blackout drunk and woke up naked, and in bed, with two of Quark’s dabo girls.”
“What would be the harm? I turn my self into one of Kai Winn’s hats and get what we need to have her excommunicated.”
“What would be the harm? I turn my self into one of Quark’s drink glasses and conduct a surprise health inspection.”
“Commander, when will I be allowed to throw Garak and Quark into the same holding cell? I have an ‘experiment’ I wish to perform.”
“Constable, I hope you are ready for your ‘initiation.’”
“Tell Quark that he should pray for Morn to not press charges. Giving his best customer food poisoning...”
Sisko: Odo, why is Doctor Bashir in a coma?
Odo: Jadzia called out ‘Julian’ while she was ‘with’ Warf.
“Odo, have you ever heard of an old Earth story called ‘Deliverance?’”
“Commander, how does one talk to the parents of an individual that one wishes to date?”
Of course I am not spying on you playing with your Action Man. I am not mad.
Odo: "If you can't take a little bloody nose, maybe you ought to go back home and crawl under your bed. It's not safe out here. It's wondrous, with treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross... but it's not for the timid."
Sisko: "So asking Winn out on a date might not be such a good idea..."
“Odo, why were you found in Jadzia’s bath tub, in your liquid state?”
"Did you just fart?"
Sisko: "I hear you've been annoying Quark again?"
Odo: "Sir, I can explain..."
Sisko: "Today is my turn to annoy Quark!"
Sisko: Are you eyeballing me, son?
“Odo, why is Dukat in my office, sitting in my chair, naked?”
Odo: "I spoke to the widow. She told me her old husband's last words before he kicked the bucket."
Sisko: "'Kicked the bucket', Constable?"
Odo: "An old Earth idiom. May I continue?"
Sisko: "By all means."
Odo: "He said, 'Do you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?'"
Sisko: "Excellent set up and punchline; much better from last week."
Sisko: Constable, I have a difficult job for you.
Odo: What is it, Commander?
Sisko: I want you to find out who has been writing and post ‘fanfics’ regarding me being ‘romantically’ involved with you.
Sisko: Constable, I have a difficult job for you.
Odo: What is it, Commander?
Sisko: I want you to find out who has been writing and post ‘fanfics’ regarding me being ‘romantically’ involved with Quark.
Sisko: Constable, I have a difficult job for you.
Odo: What is it, Commander?
Sisko: I want you to find out who has been writing and post ‘fanfics’ regarding me being ‘romantically’ involved with Jadzia.
Odo: "Huh. So tell me, Mr. Starfleet, have you ever committed even just the tiniest infraction?"
Sisko: "No, but I have done some shady shit for a Klondike Bar."
"Dear Penthouse..."
Odo: "Captain, I-"
Sisko: "Constable... I'm going by the name "Hawk" now."
Odo: "Hawk?"
Sisko: "Correct. Hawk. No other name. Just Hawk. Like Bono, or Cher. My best friend is "Spencer".
Odo: "Spencer? Does he have another name."
Sisko: "Nope... just Spencer."
"Commander, if I don't get a decent caption, I'm leaving."
Sisko: "Be more flexible, Odo!"
Odo: "I'm a Changeling! How much more flexible do you want me to be!?"
Avery was none to happy to here Rene got a bigger salary increase him !!!!
“Constable, why are you a ‘tripod’ right now?”
Is that your foot?
Sisko: “It’s always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”
Odo: Excuse me, Commander, but that phrase has recently been replaced by “It’s always Frankie, Frankie, Frankie!”
Sisko: But … Frankie Chestnuts was never even on the Brady Bunch.
"Constable, as a shapeshifter - why don't you have a better haircut?"
"Commander, as a shapeshifter - I don't have a receding hairline."
"Constable, step away from the Commander. You're supposed to keep two metres apart."
"How long can we keep straight faces when Quark is behaving like that behind the camera?"
"Constable, I'm organising a remake of 'Plan 9 From Outer Space'. Can you do Bela Lugosi?"
"Maybe."
"Great, we'll call it ... 'Deep Space 9 From Outer Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace'. Yeah?"
"Err."
"Constable ... is that a toupee or is a tribble getting up close & personal?"
“Commander, why did you pull down your pant?”
Sisko continued to pace in a circle around Odo, unsure what to make of his security chief. Every bone in his body... That was a poor choice of words...
Siko: Constable, the next time you set up Quark on a date with Garak, make sure it doesn’t happen on this station.
Odo: Is the Defiant available?
Sisko: Let me see if I understand this. In a bout of anger, Quark told you to shove your head where the sun doesn’t shine. You then stretched out your neck so you could put your head up your hind end, and did so just to make a point. What was the point again?
Odo: Be careful about what you wish for.
“Commander, remember that when you try to grab me down there, I have no ‘male’ parts.”
“Commander, I just found out Garak is interested in getting a sex-change operation. From Bashir.”
Frankie Chestnuts confronts the person trying to steal Miss Marple.
Forgive me, DITL Captioneers, if I keep coming up with naughty comments, but you’re the one with the “naughty” pictures.
I’ve got your “universal translator” right here!
Benjamin, shaking his fist: I’ve got your “universal translator” right here!
This image shall inspire a great many fanfics.
“Constable, why were you spying on my son?”
Sisko: Constable, I served with Frankie Chestnuts.
I know Frankie Chestnuts.
I’ve been mocked by Frankie Chestnuts.
Frankie Chestnut is my friend.
He lets me call him Frank.
Constable, you are no Frankie Chestnuts.
"Odo, did you put the cat out?"
"we don't have a cat, Commander."
"It's just as well you didn't put it out then."
"..."
"Commander, I have vital information!"
"What?"
"It's half price at Quark's Pizzeria tonight."
"Hold it, Odo. Miss Marple called. She says you're not up to impersonating Frankie Chestnuts."
Just kiss each other already!
“Odo, why did you let me walk into a kiddie pool?”
“I was preparing to relax sir”
“I hope that’s water I’m standing in.”



“It is not, sir."
Since space travel began, from the brave, intrepid explorers and the rugged home-steaders to even the consummate professionals of Star Fleet, all the voyages have been marked by the bitter contest of wills of “he who smelt it…"
Sisko : Don't Stand So Close To Me ...
Sisko : Did you complete the mission ?
Odo : Yes Commander , now Frankiechestnuts is going win the Caption Competition . Muhahahaha !!!
Odo: "Commander, just between you and me, something smells."
Sisko: "What is it, Constable?"
Odo: "Your nose."
Sisko: "Working on your sense of humor, eh?"
Odo: "So what do you think?"
Sisko: "It stinks."
Odo: "Then I odor work on it some more."
Kira (offscreen) "WILL YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF?!?"
Sisko: "If you were half the man I am then ..."
Odo: "I would be in charge."
"I think I love you."
Odo : Commander Sisko , where's your vaccination passport ?
Sisko : Hmmm I don't seem to have it , I am in charge so I'm sure you'll let be by this time.
Odo : Think Again !!!
The two of them still couldn't agree on which button press to stop the auto-destruct.
Odo: "So when I was first working with Dr. Pol, he had me transform into various basic shapes... cubes, spheres, cylinders... Then we transitioned to more complex shapes: pyramids, cones... That's when it got disturbing. First it was a meat cleaver. Then a toilet [shutters]. It got worse from there..."
Look into my eyes...
"Commander, we're f*cked."
Do you mean to tell me that they don't have Raktajinos in the 23rd century? I need my caffeine!
"Do you mean to tell me that they were eating deep-dish pizza?"
Odo: "Commander, I never said I dislike 'Merlin', only that I haven't seen it."
Sisko: "..."
Odo: "All right! I will make time to watch an episode."
Sisko: "..."
Odo: "I will watch the entire show! Right now! Please, just say something, anything!"
Sisko: "In a land of myth, and a time of magic..."
It had been thirty-eight hours and his eyes felt like they were on fire, but Sisko wasn't going to lose the third Annual Staring Contest.
Sisko: Back off Father Mulcahy! I was complementing your performance on M*A*S*H, not mashing.
Odo: "Captain... I've always wondered... Why isn't Jadzia aware of Curzon Dax's feelings about her when she was a candidate to become a host? I mean, she should have all the memories of previous hosts..."
Sisko: "It's best not to ponder on such things. Curzon was always a lying a-hole."
Sisko: "Constable... Who is your barber?"
Odo: "Captain... Help me out with this: Supposedly a Monk, a Clone and a Ferengi decide to go bowling... What is this 'bowling'?"
Among Changelings, the game "Got your nose" evolved into "Imitate your nose." Unfortunately, Odo was not very good at it.
Sisko: "Constable... The next time you shape shift into Kasidy Yates you will regret the day you stepped foot on this station."
Odo: "I'm telling you, Captain... Ever since I've become a solid... I need to know... What is a urinal used for?
Odo: "I'm telling you, Captain... Ever since I've become a solid, I've become obsessed with 17th century French fashion. Sir... I need help.
Odo: "I'm telling you, Captain... Ever since I've become a solid, I keep wondering... Why didn't the Founders give me a more realistic nose?"
Sisko: "Constable... You say Quark was hiding twenty condoms of China White Heroin WHERE?"
Odo: No, Chromedome, I cannot try to become Frankie Chestnuts because, from what I've heard, He's SO HOT I might combust
Sisko: Why is Garak in the infirmary and Major Kira in a holding cell?
Odo: Kira walked in on Garak and Zyal. In Kira’s bed.
Sisko: What is Garak accused of this time?
Odo: He is accused of planting a noise making sub-routine into communications system for Quark’s quarters. It appears that random high pitch sounds would occur at random intervals. Quite ingenious.
“Odo, I did not give you authorization to monitor Quark’s finances just so you could make it look like he is impotent.”
“Commander, Quark was recently caught peeping on Major Kira. Accompanied by Nog and your son.”
“Commander, do I have your permission to annoy Quark?”
"So your nose can't change shape because you've got a Covid swab stuck up it?"
"Hello, good looking!"
"Odo, seriously, is that the best Boris Johnson you can do?"
"Odo, do you think you can impersonate Frankie Chestnuts?"
Sisko: When did Quark ‘acquire’ the rights to rent out an upper pylon?
Odo: After you attended that bachelor party.
“Constable, when did Garak plant that listening device in my office?”
Sisko: Odo, Quark has registered a complaint regarding you.
Odo: I haven’t done anything to him lately.
Sisko: That is the problem. He claims you are now up to something particularly evil.
Odo: That’s preposterous. I will only perform actions that are legal.
“Commander, has anyone told you that you would look better with a goatee and shaved head?”
This staring contest will have a predictable winner. Only one individual has no biological requirement for blinking.
Sisko: Odo, Dukat is arriving in two hours. Please have an ‘appropriate greeting’ prepared.
Odo: I’m sure Garak can set something up.
“Commander, are you sure you want to know how Quark was used as a ventriloquist puppet?”
“Commander, I have observed many contradictory behaviors in humanoids, but a parent tellin thier child ‘they will not be in trouble if they tell the truth’ is one of the worst.”
Sisko: Odo, why has Upper Pylon 3 been ‘closed for maintenance?’
Odo: Quark rented it out to a group of Naucicans. They were ‘celebrating’ their captain’s divorce.
Sisko: Odo, what happened to Quark and Garak?
Odo: It appears someone set them up on a blind date. With each other.
"Are you talking to me? Are YOU talking to ME? Hey?!"
"Yeah, I AM talking to you! Are you too dumb to tell?"
"You gotta problem with me, buddy!?"
"No, I got a problem that you brought me a Meatball Marinara when I asked for a BMT!"
Changelings are unbeatable in staring contests.
Odo: "I'm telling you, Captain... Ever since I've become a solid, I've had these... urges. And Captain... I think I love you.
Odo: "I'm telling you, Captain... Ever since I've become a solid, I now have a sense of smell. And Captain... It's your breath..."
Odo: "I'm telling you, Captain... Ever since I've become a solid, my body's been generating these small malodorous orbs."
Odo: "I'm telling you, Captain... Ever since I've become a solid, I've lost EVERY staring contest!"
Sisko: When I am dancing, Odo, I prefer to lead.
Sisko : Major Kira informs me you were in the women's bathroom in the form of a towel. What the hell were you thinking ???
Odo : I was just hanging out to dry ...
Odo : Commander , where's your proof of vaccination passport ??

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© Graham & Ian Kennedy Page views : 73,726 Release date : 1 Oct 2021