Queteya: Human at Heart

[IntrepidPrincess]

I started thinking about this story four years ago, and I've finally decided to write it. I welcome all input, advice, reviews, etc. (I may decide to disregard it, or it might help me)Tell me if you like it, hate it, whatever. Just keep in mind I'm doing little bits at a time. I will try not to end a post without finishing a thought, but if I do, just consider it notes. I will finish it later. And please, let me know if you can't understand part of the story, so I can try to change it. I want this to be a good story. I also welcome ideas for a name.

Summary: Every culture has its legends. So many involve a creature that torments the native people. Their fear of this horrifying monster creates customs and rituals set in place to appease it. No one among the entire community dares refuse. One such community is on an island in the Bermuda Triangle. The island is called QueteyaNasha. In the native language, that means Island of the Beast. To the United States Government, it's called NSBX. Naval Science Base X, X for dangerous secret. This secret holds the natives at their throats, forcing them to continue a custom that would sicken most humans. But it is the only way they know to protect themselves. They know that their beautiful island belongs to Queteya, the Beast, and they are always in morbid fear that it will act on its ownership if they discontinue their sacrifices. What they fail to realize is that Queteya is not the beast they should fear.

[Mark]

What custom?

[Nickswitz]

She'll tell you that in the story, then you'll know... So stay tuned, lol

[IntrepidPrincess]

Per Nick's suggestion (outside of posts), I'm going to make this story have Queteya in the title. As I write the story I would love some ideas on the rest of the title. Do you think I should have it just "Queteya" or should I have a little more? If more, what?

The next post will contain the first chapter (or section of chapter), so come back soon! By the way (on a serious note), please be patient with me. I'm writing this when I actually post, and sometimes I get writer's block, especially when just starting a story. So expect the beginning to be a little rocky. I'll be back to post the first part within the next few hours, as soon as I figure out the opening sentence.

[Nickswitz]

Yes, think Rochey's speed, bu a lil faster.

[IntrepidPrincess]

Chapter 1-
A baby's lonely wail filled the mountainside, sending shivers down every spine in QueteyaNasha's inhabitants. The island, cut off from the rest of the world, had some customs that most people in current times would call barbaric. The islanders call them necessary. This is one such custom.

Several hours before:
"Push! Push!" The nurse screamed at Shandrea. She was so tired, but she gave the child one last chance. The infant began shrieking the moment it felt air. Shandrea lay back, satisfied. "What is it?" she asked wearily. The nurse wrapped the child in a blanket and stated quietly, "It doesn't matter, it won't make it." Shandrea cried as she asked again, "What is it? I have to know!"
"It's a girl, alright!" the nurse snapped back. Shandrea quietly said, "I want to see her."
"I don't think that's wise. She has to go anyway, it'll only cause you pain."
"I WANT TO SEE HER!" Shandrea made it clear this time that it wasn't a question. She had lost every child born to her, two boys and three girls. Now a fourth girl was going to be given to Queteya. The nurse brought over the child, and it became instantly clear why she was to be sacrificed. The little girl's left leg was split in two, so that she actually had three legs, one normal size, two smaller and much more fragile. The nurse said, "It'll never be able to walk."
"She," the mother replied, "and her name is OvfEugia (meaning precious princess)."
"You shouldn't name it, you'll only get attached."
"I've been attached since I felt her kicking in my womb." To her baby that she gently cradled in her arm she said quietly, "I will never forget you, my little Ovf, I promise." She began to hum a lullaby. Minutes later, "It's time to let it go," the nurse interrupted. The mother looked at her child one last time, held her close, and said, "I love you." The nurse took Ovfeugia outside, and Shandrea broke into tears. The one consolation she had was that she had her daughter's face imprinted in her memory, alongside her five brothers and sisters.

The nurse passed off the baby to the attendant waiting outside with the Safety Patrol. She then went back into the tent to tend to the grieving mother. The attendant began up the mountain with the Patrol. Hours later they reached their destination, a large tree made to be an alter of sorts, to sacrifice to Queteya, so that It would not hungrily storm into the village below, devouring anyone in reach. The attendant lay the baby in the grass beneath the tree. He then sang a sad song, the song of Farewell that he sang for every weak or deformed child. He cried as he sang it, for he was a sensitive man. He remembered singing the song to his son only a few years before. He then covered the little girl so that she could not see her fate in advance. The attendant and Patrol then began down the mountain, leaving the baby alone. Her mother heard her sad wail, and sang the song of Farewell until it stopped. All she could do then was sob quietly.

[IntrepidPrincess]

Ok, what does anyone think of the name Queteya: Human at Heart? I think it reveals a lot about the beast without giving away the whole story. And it keeps sensitive people from totally freaking out after the first chapter.

[stitch626]

Actually... wasn't that bad.

One thing you need to do is fix the formatting. Look at other novels to get the idea. It gets hard to tell who is speaking at times due to the formatting.

[IntrepidPrincess]

Ok, I fixed the formatting a little for ch 1. Let me know if it looks better or worse.

[IntrepidPrincess]

Ok, how do I change the title of the thread now that I know what I want to call it? I want it to say "Queteya: Human at Heart" but I can't figure out how. help anyone

[Nickswitz]

Ask a mod to do it, PM them

[Sionnach Glic]

Thread title changed upon creator's request.

[IntrepidPrincess]

Thank you Rochey!

[Sionnach Glic]

Not a problem.

[IntrepidPrincess]

Now that i've thought of a good title for the story, I've got writer's block . Actually, I've forgotten what I "wrote" before (in my daydreams). But don't worry, I'll remember soon enough, and then it's back to the story!