Star Trek jokes

[Blackstar the Chakat]

1. What did the Ferengi say to the Vulcan?
Live Long and Profit

2. Which Trek species can breathe underwater?
The Flounders of the Dominion

3. Which Trek species is most thankful for static guard?
The Kling-ons

4. Which Trek species have the most open hearts?
The a-Vorta

5. What is the phrase most often heard in Voyager's mess hall?
Medical Emergency!

6. What do you call a friend who hangs around you too much?
A Kling-on

7. What do you call a fleet of Borg ships?
A Block party!

8. How many Romulans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and the other to kill him and take credit for it

9. How many Ferengi does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll charge you so much for it that you'll think there were ten of him

10. How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark

11. What happened to the Klingon who changed the lightbulb?
He was killed because he was a coward

12. How many tribbles does it take to change a lightbulb?
1...2...um 4...no wait 8....now there's 16...

13. How many Q does it take to change a lightbulb?
That depends. Into what?

14. How many borg does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he had to assimilate the knowledge of five different species to do it

15. What did the blond Klingon say?
Today is a good day to dye

16. If 7 of 9 marries Norman 11 from "I, Mudd," would she become 7 of 11?

17. What did the short Ferengi technician say to the constable when he was accused?
You've got the Rom man!

18. What do you call a starship that is dependent on it's crew?
Very Reliant

19. Where do the crew hang out on Halloween?
On the holo-drac

20. How are the drinks measured in Quark's Bar?
By the leeta

21. Why can't Odo ask Kira out?
Because he's spineless

22. What is the one order that Picard has always wanted to give?
"Wesley Crusher, please report to the airlock!"
(submitted by Gary Marsh)

23. What do the Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus hunting for Klingons.
(submitted by Will Riker)

Story Jokes
Geordi was piloting a shuttle when his visor fell off, leaving him to pilot completly blind. Amazingly, he landed the shuttle safely, and when he returned to the Enterprise, Picard asked him how he did it.
"I used the Jesus Christ method, sir." he said.
"Ah, yes." said Picard. "In Ancient times, many pilots used to say that Jesus Christ was their co-pilot."
"That's not what I meant sir." Geordi said. "I just pointed the nose of the shuttle straight down, and when Riker yelled 'Jesus Christ!', I knew it was time to level off and land!"


When James Kirk was a young Lt., he was sent on a landing party to the planet Neural where he befriended a native named Tiree. One day Tiree said to his friend, "Before we can work together, you must undergo a ritual that will prove that you are a man of the tribe. First, you must drink a gallon of wiki-waki juice, wrestle a Mugato, and finally make love to a witch woman."
Kirk said okay and accepted the jug of juice gulped it down and then wandered of into the woods. About three hours later he returns. His clothes are in shreds, there are cuts and bruises everywhere, but he's smiling and says, "Awright. Now where's that witch woman I've got to wrestle?"


Picard says to Worf: "Fire at will!"
Worf fires his phaser at Cmdr. Riker.
"No! I meant fire at will!"
Worf fires at Wesley.
"No! Not Wil Wheaton! Wait...on second thought keep firing!"

[Mikey]

A Cardassian Gul and a Glinn are arguing during the Bajoran occupation; the Glinn is trying to convinve the Gul to show mercy and respect to the Bajorans, because of their cleverness and resourcefulness.

The Gul says, "What do you mean?"

The Glinn says, "I'll show you," and takes the Gul to a Bajoran potter's shop. "Do you happen to have a left-handed raktajino mug?" asks the Glinn.

"The Bajoran says, "Umm.. sure," takes a mug from his shelf, places it on the counter, and turns the handle to the Cardassian's left.

"See? Wasn't that clever?" asks the Glinn to the Gul.

"What are you talking about?" says the Gul. "He just happened to have one in stock!"