Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas.
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”
That was the punchline...
The Joke Thread
Re: The Joke Thread
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
Stan - South Park
Stan - South Park
Re: The Joke Thread
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay...
They arrested me.
What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
They arrested me.
What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
Stan - South Park
Stan - South Park
Re: The Joke Thread
If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...
He should have hired her!
There’s Hollywood, Bollywood, etc. What would you call movies made in China ?
Propaganda.
What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.
In a religion that person is dead.
I used to smoke weed and go to the class...
sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse.
Slink down low at my desk.
Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.
He should have hired her!
There’s Hollywood, Bollywood, etc. What would you call movies made in China ?
Propaganda.
What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.
In a religion that person is dead.
I used to smoke weed and go to the class...
sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse.
Slink down low at my desk.
Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
Stan - South Park
Stan - South Park
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Graham Kennedy
- Site Admin
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Re: The Joke Thread
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through North Wales.
They arrived at the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch and stopped for lunch.
One of the tourists asked the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us… can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr... Gurrr... Kinnnnnng."
They arrived at the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch and stopped for lunch.
One of the tourists asked the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us… can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr... Gurrr... Kinnnnnng."
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
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Graham Kennedy
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- Location: Banbury, UK
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Re: The Joke Thread
How can you tell if a guy on a nude beach is blind?
Come on, it's not hard!
---
Man walks up to a food truck and looks at the menu
Burgers : $7
Fries : $3
Handjobs : $20
Turning to the gorgeous blonde behind the counter, he says "Hey, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Oh yes, that's me," she says with a seductive smile.
He thinks for a second, then says "Well then wash your damn hands, I want a burger."
---
Guy goes to his wife one day and says "hey, I have to ask you something. I've been looking at our kids, and it seems to me that they all look pretty similar except for Jack. He's a different size, build, hair colour, eye colour, then all the others. So I have to ask you, did you cheat on me? Does he have a different father than all the others?"
She nods. "Yes, he does," she says.
Man sighs. "I know it. So who's his father?"
She shrugs. "You are..."
---
A terrible accident in a small village leaves a local man completely mangled from the waist up. He's so badly injured the doctor can't even tell who it is. So he brings in the three biggest gossips in the village and asks if they can identify him.
The brunette unzips his fly and looks inside. "Well, it's not my husband," she said.
The redhead looks in. "Yeah, definitely not your husband," she says with a smirk.
The blonde takes a look. "Huh, not only is that not your husband," she says, "he's not even from this village!"
---
Guy walks into a bar with an alligator. "Watch this!" he says, unzipping his fly and depositing his balls in the alligator's mouth. The alligator closes its mouth and the guy buys a bottle of beer and casually drinks it. Then he wacks the alligator hard over the head with the empty and it opens its mouth, letting him pull out his intact balls. "I'll give anybody here a hundred dollars to try that!" He yells.
A young blonde girl comes over. "I'll do it," she says, "just don't hit me so hard with the bottle..."
---
Four nuns die in a car crash and go to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them. "So," he says to the first, "have you ever touched a penis?"
"I have," she said with a blush. "I once touched a penis with the tip of my finger."
Peter produces a bowl of holy water and says "dip the offending finger into this." The nun does, and then passes into heaven.
"How about you?" He asks the next one.
"Well, I once touched a penis with my hand," she says with a blush.
"Never fear, just wash your hand in the bowl," he says, and she does and passes into heaven.
At this point the fourth nun pushes in front of the third.
"My child, why so impatient?" Asks Peter.
"It's not impatience!" Says the nun, pointing at her companion. "It's just, there's no way I'm gargling that stuff after she's dipped her asshole in it!"
---
You know, Pedophiles get a bad name. At least they always drive slowly through a school zone!
---
Conservative christian goes to stay in a hotel room. "Listen," he says, "I know you have pay per view here, but I want to make absolutely sure that the porn is disabled."
"No, it's just regular porn you sick pervert!"
Come on, it's not hard!
---
Man walks up to a food truck and looks at the menu
Burgers : $7
Fries : $3
Handjobs : $20
Turning to the gorgeous blonde behind the counter, he says "Hey, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Oh yes, that's me," she says with a seductive smile.
He thinks for a second, then says "Well then wash your damn hands, I want a burger."
---
Guy goes to his wife one day and says "hey, I have to ask you something. I've been looking at our kids, and it seems to me that they all look pretty similar except for Jack. He's a different size, build, hair colour, eye colour, then all the others. So I have to ask you, did you cheat on me? Does he have a different father than all the others?"
She nods. "Yes, he does," she says.
Man sighs. "I know it. So who's his father?"
She shrugs. "You are..."
---
A terrible accident in a small village leaves a local man completely mangled from the waist up. He's so badly injured the doctor can't even tell who it is. So he brings in the three biggest gossips in the village and asks if they can identify him.
The brunette unzips his fly and looks inside. "Well, it's not my husband," she said.
The redhead looks in. "Yeah, definitely not your husband," she says with a smirk.
The blonde takes a look. "Huh, not only is that not your husband," she says, "he's not even from this village!"
---
Guy walks into a bar with an alligator. "Watch this!" he says, unzipping his fly and depositing his balls in the alligator's mouth. The alligator closes its mouth and the guy buys a bottle of beer and casually drinks it. Then he wacks the alligator hard over the head with the empty and it opens its mouth, letting him pull out his intact balls. "I'll give anybody here a hundred dollars to try that!" He yells.
A young blonde girl comes over. "I'll do it," she says, "just don't hit me so hard with the bottle..."
---
Four nuns die in a car crash and go to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them. "So," he says to the first, "have you ever touched a penis?"
"I have," she said with a blush. "I once touched a penis with the tip of my finger."
Peter produces a bowl of holy water and says "dip the offending finger into this." The nun does, and then passes into heaven.
"How about you?" He asks the next one.
"Well, I once touched a penis with my hand," she says with a blush.
"Never fear, just wash your hand in the bowl," he says, and she does and passes into heaven.
At this point the fourth nun pushes in front of the third.
"My child, why so impatient?" Asks Peter.
"It's not impatience!" Says the nun, pointing at her companion. "It's just, there's no way I'm gargling that stuff after she's dipped her asshole in it!"
---
You know, Pedophiles get a bad name. At least they always drive slowly through a school zone!
---
Conservative christian goes to stay in a hotel room. "Listen," he says, "I know you have pay per view here, but I want to make absolutely sure that the porn is disabled."
"No, it's just regular porn you sick pervert!"
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
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Graham Kennedy
- Site Admin
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Re: The Joke Thread
Guy goes into a bar. He orders two whiskeys. He sets one in front of the empty chair next to him, and then sips away at the other one. After half an hour or so he's done, and he pays and leaves.
Next week, same thing. Each week for months, same thing.
Finally the barman says "Hey, I have to ask. Why two drinks, when you only drink one?"
"Well I'm a quantum physicist," the guy says, "and as such, I know there's a theoretical possibility that the molecules of air in the space beside me could potentially re-assemble themselves spontaneously into a woman who's madly in love with me. So I like to have a drink ready, just in case."
"But... on any given day, there's like half a dozen single girls in here," the barman says. "Why don't you go talk to some of them? One of them might like you."
Guy shrugs. "I suppose," he says sadly, "But man, what are the odds of that?"
Next week, same thing. Each week for months, same thing.
Finally the barman says "Hey, I have to ask. Why two drinks, when you only drink one?"
"Well I'm a quantum physicist," the guy says, "and as such, I know there's a theoretical possibility that the molecules of air in the space beside me could potentially re-assemble themselves spontaneously into a woman who's madly in love with me. So I like to have a drink ready, just in case."
"But... on any given day, there's like half a dozen single girls in here," the barman says. "Why don't you go talk to some of them? One of them might like you."
Guy shrugs. "I suppose," he says sadly, "But man, what are the odds of that?"
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
Re: The Joke Thread
If I were American, I'd vote Bernie...
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit"
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife."
"Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally, the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "I'm sorry Sir, but my friend is sleeping with your wife right now, he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says,
"Son. You’d better hurry home to your Wife...Because my wife died five years ago."
A Jewish boy was failing math.
His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.
The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room and stayed there the entire night until it was time for bed. This continued for the entire semester.
On the day of the next term, the boy came home as always, slammed his report card on the table with his coat, and proceeded upstairs.
When the mother reviewed his report card, she was astonished to find he had gotten an A in math for the first time ever. Delighted, she ran upstairs to congratulate her son. She found him scribbling furiously in his notebook.
“Zach! You got an A! I’m so proud of you! Are the nuns really as good of teachers as Jodee said they were?”
“No.”
“Then what is it? How come you’ve gotten so good at math all of sudden?”
“Well mom, when I walked into that school and saw that poor man nailed the to the plus sign, I knew these Catholics were serious about this whole math thing.”
A guy takes up a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’
The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’
The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.’
The boss says, ‘You fuck your sister?’
The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents.
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit"
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife."
"Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally, the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "I'm sorry Sir, but my friend is sleeping with your wife right now, he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says,
"Son. You’d better hurry home to your Wife...Because my wife died five years ago."
A Jewish boy was failing math.
His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.
The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room and stayed there the entire night until it was time for bed. This continued for the entire semester.
On the day of the next term, the boy came home as always, slammed his report card on the table with his coat, and proceeded upstairs.
When the mother reviewed his report card, she was astonished to find he had gotten an A in math for the first time ever. Delighted, she ran upstairs to congratulate her son. She found him scribbling furiously in his notebook.
“Zach! You got an A! I’m so proud of you! Are the nuns really as good of teachers as Jodee said they were?”
“No.”
“Then what is it? How come you’ve gotten so good at math all of sudden?”
“Well mom, when I walked into that school and saw that poor man nailed the to the plus sign, I knew these Catholics were serious about this whole math thing.”
A guy takes up a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’
The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’
The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.’
The boss says, ‘You fuck your sister?’
The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents.
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
Stan - South Park
Stan - South Park
Re: The Joke Thread
I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
Can we just call the Chinese Corona Virus...
Kung Flu?
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
Can we just call the Chinese Corona Virus...
Kung Flu?
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
Stan - South Park
Stan - South Park
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Graham Kennedy
- Site Admin
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Re: The Joke Thread
Nutso wrote:I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
Can we just call the Chinese Corona Virus...
Kung Flu?
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
-
RK_Striker_JK_5
- 3 Star Admiral
- Posts: 12998
- Joined: Wed Jul 25, 2007 5:27 am
- Commendations: The Daystrom Award, Cochrane Medal of Excellence
- Location: New Hampshire
- Contact:
Re: The Joke Thread
Okay, I needed those laughs.Nutso wrote:I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
Can we just call the Chinese Corona Virus...
Kung Flu?
Re: The Joke Thread
Why do Native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"
She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
The three unwritten rules of life:
1.
2.
3.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head.
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"
The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island.
After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her"
To which the Mermaid said, "Tomorrow a rescue boat will find you"
"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days"
The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man... And what is your final wish?"
"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you"
The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work"
Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west...
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"
She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
The three unwritten rules of life:
1.
2.
3.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head.
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"
The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island.
After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her"
To which the Mermaid said, "Tomorrow a rescue boat will find you"
"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days"
The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man... And what is your final wish?"
"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you"
The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work"
Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west...
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
Stan - South Park
Stan - South Park
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Graham Kennedy
- Site Admin
- Posts: 11561
- Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:28 pm
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Re: The Joke Thread
Those are great!Nutso wrote: ↑Sun Mar 08, 2020 1:32 am Why do Native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"
She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
The three unwritten rules of life:
1.
2.
3.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head.
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"
The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island.
After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her"
To which the Mermaid said, "Tomorrow a rescue boat will find you"
"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days"
The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man... And what is your final wish?"
"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you"
The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work"
Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west...
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
-
Graham Kennedy
- Site Admin
- Posts: 11561
- Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:28 pm
- Location: Banbury, UK
- Contact:
Re: The Joke Thread
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish??"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear...
"No, I Norwegian."
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish??"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear...
"No, I Norwegian."
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
Re: The Joke Thread
9 months later
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different!)
COVID-19 is like Pasta...
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...
...that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different!)
COVID-19 is like Pasta...
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...
...that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
Stan - South Park
Stan - South Park
Re: The Joke Thread
Let me preface this by saying, pandemics are not funny.
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
I finally lost it with the hoarding!
Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper.
I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself.
He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves...”
People are hoarding toilet paper because their assholes...
Damn! I always mix up 'their' and 'they're.'
NSFW?
Going to work.
What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
If social distancing makes you feel lonely...
... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
Finland have just closed their borders....
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people.
A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people.
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc.
What nickname did middle-school kids give the coronavirus?
Boomer Remover.
And I am sorry.
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
I finally lost it with the hoarding!
Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper.
I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself.
He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves...”
People are hoarding toilet paper because their assholes...
Damn! I always mix up 'their' and 'they're.'
NSFW?
Going to work.
What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
If social distancing makes you feel lonely...
... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
Finland have just closed their borders....
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people.
A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people.
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc.
What nickname did middle-school kids give the coronavirus?
Boomer Remover.
And I am sorry.
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
Stan - South Park
Stan - South Park