The Joke Thread

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IanKennedy
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by IanKennedy »

OMG, that's bad.
email, ergo spam
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Nutso
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Re: The Joke Thread

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As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…
“School” I tell them.

A guy was walking through the Olympic village when he spots an athlete carrying a very long stick on his shoulder. He goes up to him and asks, "Are you a pole vaulter"?
The athlete replies, "No, I'm German and how did you know my name was Walter"?

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner…
When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent and the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, and don’t even mention your obsession with Tennis.
I replied, "That's 15 love."

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.
The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and bang they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." Bang. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by RK_Striker_JK_5 »

Nutso wrote: Sun Oct 16, 2022 3:29 am As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…
“School” I tell them.

A guy was walking through the Olympic village when he spots an athlete carrying a very long stick on his shoulder. He goes up to him and asks, "Are you a pole vaulter"?
The athlete replies, "No, I'm German and how did you know my name was Walter"?

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner…
When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent and the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, and don’t even mention your obsession with Tennis.
I replied, "That's 15 love."

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.
The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and bang they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." Bang. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".
Thank you. I needed those laughs. :D
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Coalition »

I bought an inflatable jack-o-lantern for Halloween, but it had a hole in it. Fortunately I had a pumpkin patch.


A person the other day said they refuse to eat scalloped potatoes because they don't like shellfish
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Nutso »

Coalition wrote: Mon Oct 17, 2022 9:18 pm I bought an inflatable jack-o-lantern for Halloween, but it had a hole in it. Fortunately I had a pumpkin patch.


A person the other day said they refuse to eat scalloped potatoes because they don't like shellfish
That first one, *chef's kiss*
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
Stan - South Park
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Nutso »

What did Britons use to light their homes before candles?
Electricity.
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
Stan - South Park
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Re: The Joke Thread

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:)
email, ergo spam
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by RK_Striker_JK_5 »

Nutso wrote: Thu Oct 27, 2022 5:27 am What did Britons use to light their homes before candles?
Electricity.
Ooh, gonna need some ice for that one!
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by T'Pau »

A female marine biologist is leaving a large public aquarium, with a bulge under her coat.
Security asks: "How many months along are you?"
*the octopus shoves the gun harder into her ribcage*
She replies: "Umm..5 months"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Nutso »

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand by using sheep's lower intestine.
Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Coalition »

Friend of mine lost a boxing match against a pirate. Turns out the pirate had a mean right hook.

***

Friend of mine just bought a boat. When I asked him why, he said "there was a sail"

***

PETA once got mad at a person for dressing up as a Christmas tree. They complained that he was wearing fir.

***

A husband and wife were fighting about a kitchen remodel. They kept coming up with counter arguments.

***

"One two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock; five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock" - a geologist's daily schedule

***

In Klingon cinema, everyone was harmed in the making of the movie
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Nutso »

Coalition wrote: Tue Feb 14, 2023 1:48 pm Friend of mine lost a boxing match against a pirate. Turns out the pirate had a mean right hook.

***

Friend of mine just bought a boat. When I asked him why, he said "there was a sail"

***

PETA once got mad at a person for dressing up as a Christmas tree. They complained that he was wearing fir.

***

A husband and wife were fighting about a kitchen remodel. They kept coming up with counter arguments.

***

"One two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock; five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock" - a geologist's daily schedule

***

In Klingon cinema, everyone was harmed in the making of the movie
Love them!
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by RK_Striker_JK_5 »

Coalition wrote: Tue Feb 14, 2023 1:48 pm Friend of mine lost a boxing match against a pirate. Turns out the pirate had a mean right hook.

***

Friend of mine just bought a boat. When I asked him why, he said "there was a sail"

***

PETA once got mad at a person for dressing up as a Christmas tree. They complained that he was wearing fir.

***

A husband and wife were fighting about a kitchen remodel. They kept coming up with counter arguments.

***

"One two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock; five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock" - a geologist's daily schedule

***

In Klingon cinema, everyone was harmed in the making of the movie
Thank you. I needed those laughs. :D
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mwhittington »

You know why Barbie and Ken never had kids?

Ken always comes in a different box.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by IanKennedy »

The greatest joke on earth and it goes on an on and on...




... "Donald Trump"
email, ergo spam
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