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Hey man, when you said "miffed " I though it was shorthand for M****** F*****, and I took it out on everybody. Sorry. My bad. Can't apologize enough....
Hopefully, this is the "before" picture for the Proactiv commercial..."
The Trump voter... Finally getting disillusioned."
Where will YOU be when your twenty condoms of China White Heroin burst?
Van Gelder: "Please tell me that Civet Cat Coffee isn't made of what I think it is!"
Suddenly, it dawned on him that there was a difference between "phased" and "fazed" ...
Van Gelder: "I come in peace, shoot to kill!"
Kirk: "Hey, thats my line!"
I'm the dandy highwayman, so sick of easy fashion,
The clumsy boots, peek-a-boo roots that people think so dashing.
So what's the point of robbery when nothing is worth taking?
It's kind of tough to tell a scruff the big mistake he's making!
Stand and deliver, your starship or your life.
Try and use a mirror, no phaser or a knife.
Stand and deliver, your starship or your life!
Van Gelder: "Did someone say... fire at Will? Wait, noone here has a beard!"
Kirk: "Wrong Enterprise in the wrong century, dude!"
"Dammit, why can't we get Barbarella on this ship?"
"We did. But after she met Kirk in the ready room, she left."
Van Gelder decided that the escape room party needed a bit more of an incentive to solve the puzzle.
"I am hijacking this vessel. You must pay me one million dollars in ransom."
"One million dollars? Hahahaha!"
"What is so funny?"
"We don't use dollars any more."
"Well, one million of whatever money you do use!"
"We don't use money."
(pause)
"This hijacking thing isn't really working out is it?"
"NO! I am Spartacus!"
"This is my phaser. There are many like it, but this one is mine."
"Van Gelder's the name & tulips are the game."
"So I'm like the little Dutch boy who stuck his finger in the hole in the dyke? Can you imagine what would happen if I pulled my finger out?"
Van Gelder: "Cleavage!? It's only cleavage if a part of the naked chest is exposed! This v-cut my go deep, but I am wearing a shirt underneath!"
ChnLove REAL OR FAKE
Where will YOU be when your laxative fails?
"Damn you Shatner, I'm the stud around here!"
Hugh Hefner screentests for a role in ...
STAR TREK: Playboy Edition
It was Hugh Hefner, on the bridge, with a phaser!
Cluedo ... IN SPAAAAAACE
What do you mean JJ changed the timeline!? Right, that's it!
Lights are on, nobody's home
charmdate.com
"Welcome to Little Chef, please can I take your order?"
"Hi, maintenance here. Where's the blocked toilet?"
"Mr. Scott! Is this your nail gun?"
"Where's the wardrobe department? I need to make someone pay for giving me these pyjamas!"
"A pair of threes! A pair of threes! Is that all you had? You deserve to die for that!"
"I vant ... I vant ... I vant ... a Viscount!"
So this is what Archer was looking at when he saw the sneak preview last month.
"Right you lot, give me damn good caption or I'll shoot!"
"No I insist, you MUST renew my contract. I need the repeat fees for my pension."
A phaser in the hand is no match for a baseball bat to the back of the head. Sometime low tech just works better.
"Dr. McCoy, this suppository applicator appears to be faulty. I just cauterized my haemarroids with it."
Uhhh ... Wesley ... must ... DIE!
After watching "These Are The Voyages", Van Gelder became obsessed with tracking down Brannon Braga.
"BRAAAIIIIINNSSSS"
"Yes, you look like you could use one of those."
Van Gelder: "Bring me to Risa at once, or I'll shoot!"
A man enters the bridge with a phaser , now is the phaser real or fake ? What would you do ?
Alright now !!! Where's the washroom ?
The lunatics running the asylum...
An unfortunate comparison to the Trump White House
Get off my yard, ya darn kids!
That's not what you meant by "Kill the lights", is it...
Van Gelder: "Let me have your big sky saucer, or I will take this shooty-thingy and zap your funny accent guy!"
Kirk: "Uh... Spock?"
Spock: "He said 'give me control over your ship, or I will use this phaser to kill Chekov'."
Which one of you stole my teeth!?
All right you motherstickers! This is a f*** up!!
Van Gelder: "Excuse me? Sir? You dropped your phaser. Here you have it back. Sir? Where are you going? Hey, please don't run! I am an old man, I can't keep up with you!"
Van Gelder: "Barber! I need a BARBER! ...NOW!"
Van Gelder: "Are any redshirts here? My cannon is hungry for cannon fodder!"
"Turn that damn music down! I'm trying to sleep!"
Van Gelder: "I have to warn you! I really don't want to hurt anyone, but... this phaser is certainly heavy enough to cause a concussion when thrown at somebody's head!"
Spock: "Please hand over your phaser. I just remotely deactivated it anyway."
Van Gelder: "Oh, are you sure? Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!"
Spock: "Even if you had any clue about ventriloquism, those phaser sounds weren't exactly very... convincing."
Kirk: Van Galder! Stop pointing that think at the Caeli Ambassador!
Van Gelder: "I have to warn you, I have a phaser and I know how to... well, I'll ask Spock to explain to me how to use it. But THEN I'll know!"
Doctor Simon Van Gelder
Looking very much the elder
Tries a hijack,
and Almost sent back
To that instrumental Mind Melder.
Space(ed) Piracy.
A Phaser in the Hand beats a Dagger of the Mind.
Out of my mind....Back in five minutes.
Inexplicably, “Bridezillas" remained popular for centuries.
LSD flashbacks come at the darndest times
Instant Zombification...INNN SPAAAACCCCEEEEE!
The designer of the Kill-o-Zap pistol was told to make it totally clear that the gun has a right end and a wrong end. Make it totally clear to anyone standing at the wrong end that things are going badly for them. It is not a gun for hanging over the fireplace, it is a gun for going out and making people miserable, and a side note, make people who chose to bring something else equally miserable.
Van Galder's look , when he see's Captain Piccard sitting the Captains Chair.
Van Gelder: "Give me all your money, or I'll shoot!"
Kirk: "The Federation doesn't use money!"
Van Gelder: "Well... then... never mind. Pretend I was never here. Bye!"
Van Gelder: Everybody freeze! I have a toy phaser, and I'm not afraid to--oh, shit, did I just say that? Goddammit!
Kirk: You've never done this before, have you?
*vaporizes some redshirt*
"Yeah, OK. For 'stun', the switch has to be on the other position then."
Have you ever heard something so stupid it gives you Van Gelder face?
Van Gelder: "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum.”
Chekhov: “In Russia, ve are not allowed to chew gum. Ve ARE allowed to kick ass.”
Van Gelder: "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum."
I need help finding the restroom and you WILL show me where it is!
I'm happy AND I've got a phaser. How 'bout that!?
After centuries of taking massive casualties, it became necessary to drug redshirts before sending them into action.
As time passed, the qualifications necessary to become an NRA spokesperson were steadily relaxed.
Van Gelder: "UNGUENT! I NEED UNGUENT!"
OMG !!!! William Shattner ! Fortunetly the Phaser was set to stun.
Man, 23rd century Jehovah's Witnesses are getting REALLY pushy!
Good morning, do you have a minute to learn about our Lord and savior Kahless the Unforgettable?
charmingdate review
The Enterprise is off to a stunning new adventure!
Well, at least this man's phaser is stunning...
Van Gelder: "This is a hi-jack; fly me to Rigel!"
Kirk: "But we're already going there."
Van Gelder: "Ah. This is...embarassing."
When a letter writing campaign failed to save Star Trek after its third season, distraught fans tried something more direct.
T-shirt under a pastel jacket? Someone's auditioning for Miami Vice!
Kirk: "So you underwent the neural neutralizer therapy... Are you now... happier than before?"
Van Gelder: "Does trigger happy count?"
Even Donald Trump agrees that people like this should not be allowed to own guns.
Spock: "Fascinating. How did this man get that old while wearing a red shirt?"
Van Gelder: ♫"Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)
Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)
*HELP ME*
♪Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)
'Cause uptown funk gon' give it to you
*Dear God...HELP ME STOP*
♫'Cause uptown funk gon' give it to you
'Cause uptown funk gon' give it to you"
My name is Simon Van Gelder. You killed my mind. Prepare to die.
THIS was left on the toilet tank. I mistook it for the flushing lever. I can no longer feel my legs
*Looks down*
That might be why
WHO STARTED PLAYING STAR TREK V IN THE VIEWING ROOM?! WHO?!!
Spock warned you not to do it, but you just HAD to try the gas station sushi.
Where will you be when the diarrhea strikes?
Kevin Riley: (over intercom) And now I shall render "Kathleen"...ONE MORE TIME!
Van Gelder: Oh no you don't, mister. This ends NOW!
"Dammit, Shatner, I told you to quit singing!"
The voices in my head tell me to shoot you. Please don't let me listen to the voices!
Kirk: "Who is this guy?"
Spock: "Logically, he is Arthur Dent. Who else would wear a bathrobe while hitchhiking through the galaxy?"
Blame the phaser not the lunatic.
Sulu: "Clean up on the Bridge, please... clean up on the Bridge."
Van Gelder: "Make sure they bring an extra pair of shorts."
Sulu: "Clean up on the Bridge, please... clean up on the Bridge."
Van Gelder: "I swear... I only had it on 'Level One'."
Spock: "Dr. Van Gelder... 'Level One' is the HIGHEST setting on your Phaser."
Van Gelder: "THAT explains a lot..."
Sulu: "Will you be careful with that thing... You'll put someone's eye out!"
Van Gelder: "Quick!! Tell me again!! Down two decks... left out of the turbolift... third door on the left..."
Sulu: "The SECOND door on the left is the Men's Room. The THIRD door is the Lady's Sauna."
Van Gelder: "THAT explains a lot... I hope they'll forgive, me."
Even Redshirts observe "Casual Fridays".
Sources claim Trump is distraught, angry, over the departure of Hope Hicks, who most insiders consider to be "his fourth wife".
Melanie seems OK with it.
The face you make when you realize that you are wearing a red shirt in a Star Trek show...
Who's the lnatic with the gun?
Oh, that's the only person in the world who thinks Star Trek Discovery is worth watching.
Please feel threatened by my vacant, doped-out expression.
"It's high noon..."
"That's not possible! That shirt had a duranium/titanium weave and could handle a Type III phaser rifle blast for 3 whole seconds, and yet, YOU, Captain Kirk, found a way to rip it to shreds like paper while wearing it!"
"It's a gift."
Van Gelder: "IBS... IBS.. IBS..."
Sulu (off screen): "Oh My!"
Van Gelder: "IBS... IBS.. IBS..."
Van Gelder: "Tell me quick... Where's the men's room?"
Van Gelder: "Shatner... Singing... Again..."
"Is this a phaser which I see before me or art thou but a phaser of the mind?"
Again taking "Casual Fridays" WAY TOO FAR.
Kirk (o/s) "Is this a hold-up?"
Van Gelder: "No, it's a science experiment."
It is not a shirt but a robe. Therefore, I am immune.
Trump still thinks "more guns" is the answer.

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Copyright Graham Kennedy Page views : 37,194 Release date : 1 Apr 2018