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Kira: How do you feel?
Man: I've got a bit of a stiff neck.
T'Pol (off-screen): That's not all that's stiff.
Trip (face palm): Not this again! Doc, help me get this Nypho-Vulcan outa here.
Man: What happened?
Kira: You ate gagh that was over-cooked.
Man: ''For the last time, I am NOT a surgically altered Cardassian spy! How much of my body do I have to reveal yet in order to prove this?''
Kira: ''Oh, I better confess, I have recognized right at the beginning that you are telling the truth...''
Kira: "Why did the white bear dissolve in water?"
Guy: (cough cough) "Please stop... I'm dying..."
Kira: "Because it was polar!"
Guy: "..."
Kira: "BECAUSE IT WAS POLAR!"
Kira: ''Can you please lend me your towel?''
Man: ''Sorry, but right now I am needing it myself!''
With a sophisticated holographic cloak,Quark gets Major Kira in bed with him.....almost.
Kira: "The doctor says you will probably have to live with this condition for the rest of your life."
Guy: "Could I get a second opinion?"
Kira: "Your breath is atrocious."
...another outtake from the classic 1997 John Travolta / Nicholas Cage thriller: "Face/Off.
.
Guess which one is Nicholas Cage.
Kira: "Well... the doctor has good and Bad news about your vasectomy operation..."
Man: ''Instead of kidnapping me, you could simply have asked me out, you know?''
Man: Where are my pants?
Kira: Honey,where I'm taking you, you won't need pant ever again.
Man: What happed?
Kira: You took a glancing blow from a Vulcan Death Fart. Ensign Smith wasn't so lucky. He took the full force of it. His memorial service is being held tomorrow.
Man: I feel like I have been hit by a shuttlecraft. What happened?
Kira: Funny you should ask, you were hit by a shuttlecraft.
But seriously, you'll leave me your boombox though right?
Kira: They told me that you're gay.
Man: That's right.
Kira: After what we just did, are you going to stay gay?
Man: Well yeah. It is my name after all. But I wouldn't mind another kiss.
Look, Handsome, what happens on DS9 stays on DS9.
Does THIS hurt?
Kira: Let me explain "REBRANDING" again...
Kira: I'm so sorry... you deserve better than this... but in August, the entries always drop off... everybody is on vacation...
Wait, Santorum means WHAT?!?!?
According to Hitchhiker's Guide a towel is essential. In this case, the towel is critical.
Guy: (wakes up) "So I trust my tooth extraction procedure went well?"
Kira: "Er... tooth extraction?"
Guy: "Yeah, one of my wisdom teeth. You know, routine procedure."
Kira: (looks down at giant chest scar) "Look, now don't get mad, but I think I have some bad news..."
Morn's bar fighting skills sent another victim to sickbay.
Bajoran hairstyles weren't much different from each other.
Kira: "That will teach you to not get into a wet towel fight with me"
Man: "what were you doing in that locker room anyway?"
Man: "Why are you wrinkling your nose at me?"
Kira: "My nose comes that way."
With reports of Kira exploiting patients on DS9, Odo goes undercover.
Kira: "Your kidney will fetch a high price on the black market."
Excuse me ..... Would ...you .. like a new towel ?
Kira: "One word of advice... NEVER again run into Quarks screaming that the Prophets are just aliens that live in the wormhole!!"
Man. `Kira what happened. Why am I here.`
Kira. `Dont you remember are wedding night.`
Kira: ''Now please tell me what happened.''
Patient: ''Well, I was in the holosuite, running a sauna program...''
Kira: ''Oh really? Tell me, did this 'sauna program' happen to include... oh, I don't know... Vulcan love slaves?''
Kira: "Thanks, Odo. I really appreciate the effort."
Kira: "Pssst... I got your worm hole RIGHT HERE!!!"
I'm afraid it's true. We have amputated everything below your waist.
OpByTE Really enjoyed this article.Really looking forward to read more. Fantastic.
Now listen carefully: At some point during the vasectomy procedure the doctor is going to say "A LITTLE PRICK!".
He always says that to alert you before he injects the anesthetic.
He's not talking smack about your junk, so JUST STAY STILL. and don't jump up and hit him like the last guy did.
And don't start laughing...
Doctor Who?
Man: Where are my clothes?
Kira: Clothes? Where you're going you won't need clothes.
Man: You know that's a cheap parody.
Kira: Yeah, but I like it.
Man: I'm doomed. There's no way out for the prince this time.
Kira: Try it, you'll like it.
Man: My name's not MIKEY!
Kira: "Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"
Guy: (cough cough) "I'll take the bad news first."
Kira: "Okay, the doctor says you have less than a week to live, and you will be in pain for most of that time."
Guy: "By the Prophets! What's the good news?"
Kira: "They're naming the disease after you."
Kira: "Ah, you're awake. You'll be glad to know that the Gender Reassignment surgery was completely successful, and I wish you and Chief O'Brien the best of happiness together."
Keiko: "Whaa? This is all because of my teaching Wormhole Science facts to the kids at school, right?"
My parents will be here at noon. The story is that we met three months ago at a religious education expo. Play it cool, and you get to see your children again.
Kira: ''And what's your name, handsome? Torso Chesterton?''
Man: ''See my vest, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest!''
Kira: ''I have one made from real Cardassian chest!''
Please let me introduce you to an old human custom known as 'waterboarding'.
Major Kira and Bajoran Tarzan
Nurse(off screen): Doctor, the patient is regaining consciousness.
Kira: My gorilla mask is going to be so hilarious...
Kira: ''Tell me what I want to know, or I'll pull out every single hair on your chest, one by one...''
"Welcome sports fans to a one fall match.
The contestants are Red Shirt vs. No Shirt.
Red Shirts are not usually a fan favorite,
but in this case there may be an upset."
Kira: "A set of jumper cables walks into a bar..."
Guy: (cough cough)... "Please stop... I'm dying..."
Kira: "The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but you better not try to start anything!'"
Guy: "..."
Kira: "YOU BETTER NOT TRY TO START ANYTHING!"
Kira: "An atom walks into a bar and looks very confused. The bartender says, 'What's wrong?' The atom says, 'I think I lost an electron.'
Guy: (cough cough)... "Please stop... I'm dying..."
Kira: "The bartender says, 'Are you sure?' The atom says, 'I'm positive!"
Guy: "..."
Kira: "I'M POSITIVE!"
Kira: "A pirate walks into a doctor's office, and he has a steering wheel coming out of the fly of his pants. The doctor points this out..."
Guy: (cough cough)... "Please stop... I'm dying!"
Kira: "...and the pirate says, 'Arr, and it's driving me nuts!"
Guy: "..."
Kira: "IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"
Kira: "What do you call a bee having a bad hair day?"
Guy: (cough cough)... "Please,stop.... I'm dying..."
Kira: "A frisbee!"
Guy: "..."
Kira: "A FRISBEE!"
Kira: "WhAt does a ghost wear when its raining outside?"
Guy: (cough cough)... "Please, stop.... I'm dying..."
Kira: "Boooooooooooooots!"
Guy: "..."
Kira: "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTS!"
Kira: "What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?"
Guy: (cough cough)... "Please,stop. I'm dying..."
Kira: "A bah-humbug!"
Guy: "..."
Kira: "A BAH-HUMBUG!"
Kira: "If an elephant's front legs are doing 55 miles per hour, what are it's back legs doing?"
Guy: (cough cough)... "Please,stop. I'm dying..."
Kira: "Hauling ass!"
Guy: "..."
Kira: "HAULING ASS!"
Kira: "Why can't you play poker in Africa?"
Guy: (cough cough)... "Please, stop. I'm dying..."
Kira: "Because of all the cheetahs!"
Guy: "..."
Kira: "BECAUSE OF ALL THE CHEETAHS!"
Kira: "Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?"
Guy: (cough cough)... "please stop... I'm dying..."
Kira: "To get to the same side!"
Guy: "..."
Kira: "TO GET TO THE SAME SIDE!"
Kira: "This reminds me. It's time for my yearly chest waxing!"
Guy: "Eww..."
Kira: ''Hello, handsome man! Do you come here often?''
Man: ''To sickbay? More often than I'd prefer...''
Patient: "Excuse me... But isn't this the MEN'S Steam Room?"
Kira: "Don't worry... Just leave yourself in MY hands."
Patient: "That's what you said the LAST time."
Kira: Well, let's just say there were problems with your breast augmentation surgery...
Kira: Well, let's just say that I'd worry less about that big bruise on your head...
Kira: Well, you were very, very drunk...
"Traditional healers say they can cure impotence by rubbing up against a man." I heard Paula Poundstone say it on NPR's "wait wait... don't tell me!" It's gotta work.
The ancient fire treatment, also known as Chinese Viagra, fire crotch, or little burning man works like this. You lay on a massage table, you wrap a towel doused in herbal oil around your "waist" and then you light the towel on fire. I heard it on NPR. I'm sure it works.
Moxibustion: An Ancient Fire Acupuncture Therapy... it's more than likely a cure for impotence.
Kira: ''A Cardassian has stolen your uniform, you say? And I am supposed to believe that?''
Kira: ''Dr. Bashir will be here in a minute for removing the bandage under the loincloth. But before that happens, I have to tell you something important, in order to minimize your shock...''
Patient: ''OK then. What is it, Major?''
Kira: ''Well, let me put it this way... Do you know the meaning of the term 'eunuch'?''
KIRA: So do you come here often?
MAN: Every Sunday morning.
KIRA: Good, I'll make it a habit.
"Kiss me, you fool."
kirk; the fragrance for spacemen.
There seems to be a problem with your healthcare plan. We'll have to put the tumor back in.
For an erection that lasts longer than an hour, consult a physician,
Not the hot woman that gave you that erection.
Kira: ''I think your scars are incredibly sexy! How did you get them? Battling Cardassians??''
Man: ''I fell down the stairs...''
I want you to enter my dream world (a psychic mind meld ).
Yep, looks can kill
Kira indulges in another KUNG FU STARING CONTEST
Tryouts for the role of Caprica 6.
Are you fully functional?
What Kira lacked in beside manner she made up for in patient throughput.
When you are a former Cardassian collaborator scum that is NOT that face you want to wake up to.
Voiceover: When you are diagnosed with testicular cancer be sure to give us a call, our specialists have a
Man: AUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
Voiceover: 100% success rate with no relapse!
Patient: Will the doctor be here soon?
Kira: Yes, don't worry. He's finishing up a tonsilectomy right now.
Bashir (offscreen): Tonsilectomy!? I thought you said testiclectomy!
Kira: Uh, well...something that starts with the letter "T" has been removed, anyway.
Kira: Hello sir, I will be your anesthesiologist for this operation.
Man: Where's the medicine
Kira: Right here,
Man: AAAUUUUUGGGGHH....
When not working as the Bajoran liason to the station, Kira had a profitable side business in castration.
Kira: ''What happened? Why are you beaten up that badly?''
Patient: ''Well, I was participating in that boxing tournament. I was doing pretty well, but then...''
Kira: ''Then what?''
Patient: ''My last opponent was Benjamin Sisko!''
Kira: ''And?''
Patient: ''He is the Emissary! Do you expect me, a devout follower of the Prophets, to punch the Emissary!?''
Patient: Am I okay?
Kira: You're just fine. In fact you're even better and I'm here for a test drive you might say.
Patient: Ooohhh Mmmyyy.
"Stop looking at me!"
Kira is horrible at cheering people up.
Don't worry, the doctor will be along soon to give you a toupee-ectomy.
This is NOT Magaluf, and I am NOT doing that just to get a free drink!
Listen sunshine, I don't care what your agent told you about this part, get your butt down to the costume department and get dressed.
ME WANT SNU, SNU!!!
Kira: ''Hello! Dr. Bashir told me that there is an erectile disfunction to cure here...''
Kira: "I truely appoligize for ripping your heart out. I was really under the impression that you were a Cardassian spy... my mistake.
Kira: What's your name, Handsome?
Patient: Kenny.
Kira: That's nice. I'm scripted by the writers to kill you.
Patient: You Bastard.
Kira: Wrong sex, but that's okay.
Kira: ''I admit, your chest is impressive - but not as impressive as that of Khan Noonien Singh!''
We see now a perfect example of a Bajoran terrorist dye-job.
Morn gives the best massages and happy endings.
Kira: Don't worry. Dr. Bashir will perform your vasectomy shortly. After all of those scotches he had to pee like a race horse.
NO, these are not the "orbs of hotness", and don't demean my beliefs! My "hour-glass figure" is the only orb of hotness around here.
Kira: WOW, when you said it was "ALL in his head ", you were not kidding!
Does anybody else see this and NOT think "massage parlor"?
Kira: I KNOW that wearing a thong is uncomfortable, but it's the ONLY way the Emissary has shown us to avoid showing any PANTY LINE. - The Emissary INSISTS!
Kira: "Hey, baby. You got girlfriend on Bajor?"
Patient: "Not just this minute."
Kira: "Well, baby, me so horny. Me so HORNY. Me love you long time. You party?"
Patient: "Yeah, I might party. How much?"
Kira: "Fifteen dollar."
Patient: "Fifteen dollar too beaucoup. Five dollars."
Kira: "Me love you too much."
Patient: "Five dollars is all my mom allows me to spend."
Kira: SERIOUSLY? THAT is the body part you are choosing to cover?
Kira: "We're you BORN with a head that huge, or have you been talking to Commander Riker?"
Kira: "I've just GOT to ask... WHO does your hair??"
Kira: One Bajoran Full-body wax coming up!
Kira: and remember, when Big Tony tell yous to pay up, You pay up. Next time, you will need more than a hospital bed to recover.
Kira: I heard that you were feeling ill
Headache, fever, and a chill
I came to help restore your pluck
'Cause I'm the nurse who likes to--
Bashir: *offscreen* Kira! Stop trying to seduce my patients!
Kira: ''Nice chest hair, but not nearly as impressive as that of Commander Riker.''
Listen up, soldier: there are NO HAPPY ENDINGS... IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!
Bad nose jobs... IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE!
Bad hand jobs... IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE,
*insert sexy jazz music*

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Copyright Graham Kennedy Page views : 5,060 Last updated : 30 Nov -0001