I'm a gonna kill you

[Teaos]

This is going to be an on going parody of a Federation starship which just happens to have several crew members which share the same name as several members of this board. It may also be the case that said characters may die in rather unusual manner.

USS Daystrom

"Commander there is an incoming message from Starfleet command, should I wake the Captain?" Said the communication officer from her post.

"Nay I'll see what they want and go get the Captain if it's important" Commander Teaos said getting up ad heading to the Captains ready room.

Sitting down in the captains chair he couldn't help himself and spun around in the swivel chair a few times before turning on the screen.

"This is Starfleet command do you receive?" On screen was the image of a three star Admiral. His hair line as straight as a ruler and not a fleck of dust on his uniform a typical Starfleet desk admiral.

"Aye Command this is Commander Teaos of the Daystrom, what can we do for you today?" He said as he undid the fastenings his pants a bit since the Admiral on the other end couldn't see him from the chest down.

"Were is your Captain Commander?"

"He is currently off duty, would you like me to get him for you Admiral?" He said as he doubted the Admiral wouldn't be to happy if he said the captain was currently sleeping off last nights stag night for Lieutenant Seafort.

"No don't bother I'm just letting you know you are expecting a couple of VIP's to arrive on board with in the hour. They are from Starfleet R&D and are here to apply a new modification to your warp core"

"A couple of fail safes hopefully " Teaos said under his breath.

"What was that commander?"

"Nothing sir we'll be expecting them, Daystrom out" Teaos said as he closed down the screen before the Admiral could respond.

Putting his feet up on the captains desk and opening up one of the draws to see a PADD with a copy of "Voluptuous Vulcans" and "Busty Beach Betazoids" loaded on it the Commander raised an eye brow at the Captains choice of reading material.

Tapping his com badge Teaos winced as the pin dug into his chest they could invent faster than light travel put couldn't put Velcro on a com badge.

"Captain we are expecting a couple of VIP's from Starfleet R&D they are both admiral and will be with you with in the hour we may want to meet them in the Transporter room"

" blarg"

"I'll send the Doctor in to give you a little 'pick me up' shall I?" Teaos said as he scrolled down the PADD he had found in the Captains desk.

"blarg"

Tapping his combadge again only to get stabbed yet again Teaos called the Doctor to the Captain quarters.

Putting the PADD back in the captains desk Teaos got up and made his way back to the bridge to get things ready for their new arrivals.

***

Teaos was waiting in the Transporter room for the Captain to show up. He had not yet seen him but the Doctor ensured him that he was up and getting ready. Killing time until the captain got there the Commander amused himself by checking out the young female ensign who ran the Transporter room.

As he was entertaining the though of dropping something on the ground so he could get the ensign to pick it up when the com activated.

"Commander the ship carrying the VIP's is a few minutes away" The voice of the com operator said.

"What is the current location of the Captain?" Teaos said as he wondered if was going to have to meet the VIP's by himself how he loathed formality.

"Behind you dumass" The Captains voice rang out from behind him. The commander managed not to jump as he was used to the Captain sneaking up on him. He had had all the sound effects of the doors opening on the ship turned off so they wouldn't give him away.

"The VIP's are only a few minutes away Captain Rochey" Teaos said as he smirked at the makeup on the Captains cheek that he new was covering up some male genitalia that he had drawn on the Captain during last nights stag night.

The captain sneered at his second in commands smirk. Just as he was about to make a comment the ensign spoke up.

"The VIP's are with in range and are ready to beam aboard" She said. Teaos was pleased to note she had a rather soft melodic voice.

"Very well then lets get this over with" The Captain said as he preformed the 'Rochey maneuver' namely slapping the ensign on the ass.

The ensign tapped away at the consol and started to beam the VIP's aboard. After just a few seconds the Ensign started to tap away at the consol rather fast looking worried.

"Ensign?" Teaos asked as he observed the ensign tapping away at the consol.

"There appears to be a problem with the transporter we are picking up duplicate signals" The ensign said as she continued to try to get the transporter under control.

"Ah yes it is a Tuesday" Teaos said as he stated the long known fact that Starfleet transporters tended in malfunction on days beginning with a T.

"Get away from there girly" Captain Rochey said as he shoved the young ensign away into the Commander.

The ensign looked up at the Commander who had caught her even though she was in no danger of falling over "I'm fine Commander" She said as she looked from his face down to his hand which was cupping her ass.

"Are you sure?" He said as she pulled away from him.

Just as she was about to reply they both looked up at the Captain tapping away at the consol. Getting frustrated the captain swung back his leg to strike the consol

"NO!!" the Commander and the ensign both shouted but it was to late. The Captains foot struck the base of the consol causing the touch screen to blow up showering him with debris

The Commander walked over to the captain who was sprawled on the ground. Kicking him over with his foot he witnessed the piece of rock imbedded in his forehead.

"Ensign make a note for our next report to Starfleet 'The experiment with placing rock shrapnel in the consols has of yet not shown to improve performance in anyway yet it has added a certain dramatic effect to the day to day operation of our vessel" The Commander dictated as the Ensign recorded it in a device which she conveniently was carrying at the time.

Just as he has about to call in a med team to dispose of the body the transporters finally finished there cycle materializing four humans.

"Admiral?" The commander said taking in the similar appearance of all four people on the pad even though two of them were wearing strange uniforms.

"Yes" They all replyed.

"Admiral 'the commander checks his PADD for the details of his visitors' Kennedy?

"Yes" They all replyed

"God that's getting old already" Teaos muttered to himself. Checking the PADD again he looked up at the admirals.

"Admiral Graham Kennedy?" Only two of them replied yes this time.

"Well I guess thats an improvement Don't tell me you both are admiral Ian Kennedy?" He said pointing at the other two.

"Yes"

The two Kennedys dressed in Starfleet uniforms turned to the other two.

"Who are you and why are you masquerading as highly respected and powerful and intelligent and popular and sexy Starfleet admiral?" Ian asked to his doppelganger.

The other two looked at each other before quickly pulling their phasers and vaporizing the Starfleet Ian.

Graham looking at the small pile of dust which used to be his brother looked up at the offending pair "Oh you've done it now, his wife is going to be so pissed at you"

Speaking for the first time the doppelganger Graham laughed "Ha you think we're afraid of a woman!"

"It's that time of the month for her " The Starfleet Graham added. All the males in the room gave an involuntary shudder as the female ensign gave a offended snort.

"Well then she'll just not have to find out it was us then!" Bizaro Graham said as he vaporized his counter part before turning to look at the other two occupants of the room who quickly covered there eyes with there hands.

"Phew lucky we didn't see anything isn't it ensign?" Teaos asked while slowly backing up.

"Aha" She said as she to backed up only to bump into the mostly destroyed transporter consol.

"You think us that stupid! We are top ranking members of the Terran empire!" The Bizaro Kennedys yelled as they turned their phasers on the pair.

The young ensign quickly hit the consol just as they were getting fired upon hoping to get lucky and get some more shrapnel to finish off the pair. Rather than blow up again the transporter partially activated beaming the phaser beams away and transported them directly behind the pair.

The pair was vaporized while their phasers dropped harmlessly to the floor.

"Well what are the chances of that happening?" The commander said as he took in the destruction around him.

"On a Starfleet vessel I'd say pretty good Captain" The ensign said.

"Ah Captain Teaos How'd you like a field promotion Ensign?"

"To what sir?"

"How's Captains wench sound?"

"We'll decided upon titles latter perhaps.." She said as he tapped his com badge again only to wince when his chest was poked yet again.

"Can we get a med team with a body bag to the transporter room" He said as he looked down at the little piles of dust "And a dust buster"

***

Well that's it for now. I intend to kill everyone eventually. I will try to include everyone who is of rank Lt jg or above and maybe few ensigns. Why did I kill these three first? I wanted to be captain.

[Sionnach Glic]

That was clearly in response to me calling those torpedoes 'radiological' in my story.

[Deepcrush]

Sounds like they are on a Galaxy class!

[Teaos]

I actually don't know what class of ship they are on. I left it vauge so I could use what ever I like latter.

[Graham Kennedy]

Oh man, I got *killed*?

I liked it

[Deepcrush]

[Teaos]

Part two. I'm working my way down the post counts so see who dies now. This is rather cathartic.

USS Daystrom

"So the captains dead?" Commander Mikey asked as they sat in the mess hall.

"Yeah he kicked a consol" Teaos said as he sucked the last of his milk shake up.

"Idiot had it coming then" Lt Seafort said while reading something on a PADD.

"Probably have less complaints about sexual harassment now at least" Teaos pointed out.

"I thought you'd been made captain now?" Seafort pointed out.

"Yeah well its not harassment if they want it" Teaos said "Speaking of being promoted Mikey go refill my drink from the replicator" Their table and the ones around them all went deadly silent.

"The replicator?" Mikey asked with a quiver in his voice.

"Yes, strawberry please. I would do it myself but you know" Teaos said pushing his empty cup over.

Mikey looked around desperately for some help but everyone seemed to be steering at their shoes rather intently.

"Please sir, I have a wife and kid" He begged.

"You heard me commander" Teaos said fingering the newest pip on his collar.

Very slowly Mikey stood up from the table and moved over to the replicator. Looking over his shoulder once more to see if anyone was going to help him he faced the replicator.

"Mi-mi-milk shake, strawberry" Mikey said in a quivering voice with his eyes tightly shut.

As soon as his order was placed a metal spike seemed to grow out of the replicator and drive through his gut. Holding onto the rod going all the way and with blood pouring out of his mouth he managed one last "screw you" before collapsing dead.

"Dammit!" Teoas said standing up and walking over to the dead officer "Didn't even make my milkshake" he said seeing his cup had been skewered as well.

"I wonder if the Romulans know all they have to do to defeat the Federation is make them order dinner" Seafort said not looking up from his PADD.

As Teaos was about to respond the comm system opened.

"Captain an alien life form has struck the hull and has made its way into cargo bay 2" The opps officer informed him.

"Very well, have a security team and my wench meet me outside the cargo bay" He said into the comm badge.

"You coming Seafort?" Teaos said as he made his way out of the mess hall.

"I suppose I better, you'll need my superior knowledge on everything to deal with this situation" He said as he stood up rigidly and practically marched out the door.

"Yeah sure" Teaos said jogging to keep up.

*****

Opening the doors to the cargo bay Teaos, Seafort and the security team plus wench made their way in.

"Over there!" One of the security crew men said pointing his phaser in a corner.

Taking two quick steps forward the tri-legged creature stepped closer. All the security members raised their phasers.

"An 8472, Shoot captain?" the head security crewmen asked.

"No wait" Seafort said before Teaos could respond.

Everyone turned to look at him questionably.

"I don't think these creatures are as dangerous as that stupid Janeway woman made them out to be. They are just misunderstood" He said as he took a few steps forward.

"Watch, if you don't act threatening they wont attack"

Seafort took several confident yet slow steps forward before bowing his head a little.

"Greetings" He said looking right at it.

Everyone else in the cargo bay managed to jump back as the 8472 drove one of its hands through Seaforts guts grasping onto his spine. Swinging him around it smashed his head against several of the cargo containers before dropping it to the ground and stomping on it.

"Another misunderstanding?" Teaos inquired of his wench.

"Maybe that's how they say hello " She said taking in the bloodied and trampled corpse in front of them.

"Not a risk I'm willing to take Fire!" He ordered.

The security members all fired at the creature vaporising it.

"Well looks like we need some more officers " Teaos mused as they departed the cargo bay.

"Some how I doubt you will be getting to many people interested in a promotion" His wench pointed out.

[Captain Seafort]

Though I protest that I never said they weren't dangerous, merely that they weren't set on galaxy-wide genocide.

*Looks at the memberlist to see who's next*

Hey, Blackstar, now would be a good time to start running.

[Sionnach Glic]

[Mikey]

Ah, death by replicator... that's how I always imagined I would go.

I can see the confusion - "milk-shake;" "metal-spike..."

[Teaos]

Though I protest that I never said they weren't dangerous, merely that they weren't set on galaxy-wide genocide.

It was a toss up between having 8472 maul you or the warpcore zap you

[JudgeKing]

I wonder what'll happen to me?

By the way, this is insanely funny in a Monty Python kind of way.

[Tsukiyumi]

I've enjoyed it so far. When's the next part, Teaos?

[Teaos]

Blackstar and Deepcrush and next on the list.

Then Tsu and Reliant.

I already have Blackstar and Deep worked out just need to write it.

[Sionnach Glic]

I'm guessing they're going to die in horrificaly ironic ways, right?