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Star Trek: Nemesis
Romulan 1: "Hey, let's make a clone of Picard."
Romulan 2: "Sure, great idea."
Romulan 1: "Whoah, he looks nothing like Picard."
Romulan 2: "Yeah, so much for cloning, I guess. What'll we do with him?""
Romulan 1: "Meh, throw him into the mines as a slave."
*later*
Shinzon: "Muahahahaha! Somehow, I've managed to escape the mines and staged an uprising with my loyal army of Remans who somehow didn't get blasted from orbit the moment they started attacking the Romulan Empire."
Romulan leader: "Screw Shinzon! Hey...is this a bomb?"
*bang*
Shinzon: "Muahahahaha! I've somehow developed this new superweapon and snuck it into the most important place in the Romulan Empire. Well, so much for security!"
Romulan people: "Well, our leaders are dead. Who'll we let be in charge now?"
Shinzon: *whispering* "Psst! Me!"
Romulan people: "Yeah, sure. I mean, I can't really see any reason why not to."
Shinzon: "Muahahahaha! I have taken over the Romulan Empire! Now, I just need to abduct Picard and drink his blood. Wait....when did I become a frickin' vampire?"
*later, on Earth*
Picard: "So, Riker, I hear you got married to Troi."
Riker: "Yep."
Picard: " ..so ."
Riker: "Yep, so ."
Picard: "Uh, is there anything else supposed to happen in this scene?"
Riker: "Um no, I don't think so."
Picard: "What this is it? This is the whole scene?"
Riker: "Yep, pretty much."
Picard: "Right, screw this, let's go back to the Enterprise." *muttering* "I can't believe I got all dressed up for this ."
*later, on the E-E*
Data: "Captain, we've just picked up a positronic signal."
Picard: "Very good. Now please explain what this is to the audience."
Data: "Very well Sir, it's a special signal that only special androids like me send off."
Riker: "Wait, you're transmitting a signal? Geez, no wonder the bad guys always get the drop on us."
Geordi: "Sir! Plot device off the starboard bow!"
Picard: "Damn! Commander, set Condition Purple throughout the ship."
Riker: "Does this mean ."
Picard: "Yes. Ready my dune buggy."
*later, on the planet*
Picard: "Yeah, man! Dune buggies rule!"
Data: "Sir, you're going in the wrong direction. The signal we picked up is in the other direction."
Picard: "What signal?"
Data: "You know, the one we came down to find?"
Picard: "We came down to find a signal? Damn, I just wanted to come down 'cause this place has great terrain for driving."
Data: "Finally, we're at the signal." *digs up head*
Worf: "Oh my god. It looks just like you. What a shocking twist. I bet nobody ever saw that coming."
Picard: "What are you, brain dead? That's been freaking obvious since the 'positronic signal' crap."
Worf: "Hey, I'm just reading what it says in the script. It also says we're about to be attacked now."
Picard: "What? By who?"
Worf: "At a wild guess, I'm going to guess those guys chasing after us in armed vehicles."
Picard: "Damn! We're being attacked by extras from Mad Max! Good thing they can't hit a damn thing with those machine guns."
*later, on the E-E*
Geordi: "Hey, Data, I've got a great idea! Let's download your memory, much of which is classified information, into his brain."
Data: "Yeah, it's not like that could ever have bad consequences or anything. I mean, it's not as if there's an evil version of me wandering around the galaxy at all."
Geordi: "Yep, good thing Lore never existed."
Data: "Yeah."
*Later*
Janeway: "Hey, Picard, how does it feel to have to call a screw-up like me your superior?"
Picard: "Hey, screw you, bitch. Exactly what the hell did you do other than get lost on the other side of the galaxy due to your own stupidity?"
Janeway: "I found out which Admiral to screw."
Picard: "Ah, that explains a lot."
Janeway: "Well, down to business. Some guy called Shinzon came out of nowhere and took over the Romulan Empire. He asked to talk with you specifically, which doesn't sound suspicious at all."
Picard: "Yeah, right, fine. Say ..which admiral was that, anyway?"
*later, on the E-E over Romulus*
Picard: "Geez. We've been waiting around here for hours already. Where is this guy?"
Romulan guy: "Sorry to keep you waiting. Our leader is dieing, and needs to drink your blood very soon. Which is exactly why we spent so long not abducting you.....yeah....."
*later, on the Scimitar*
Shinzon: "Muahahahaha! You see Picard, I am a clone of you!"
Picard: "Then why do you look nothing like me?"
Shinzon: "Shitty writing. Just pretend to be stunned."
Picard: "Ah, okay."
Shinzon: "Anyway, I desperately need to drink your blood very soon or I will die. Which is why I'm not going to do anything, and just have dinner with you tomorrow. Because I'm in such a hurry to drink your blood. Yep."
*the next day, on the Scimitar*
Shinzon: "You see, Picard, I was tortured and beaten in the mines for many years. And that's why I want to bring the Romulans to dominate the galaxy. Muahahahaha!"
Picard: "Wait, hang on, that made absolutely no sense at all. Are we reading the same scripts here?"
Shinzon: "Yes, it's just that stupid. Oh, and I also hate humanity.....because I'm a human."
Picard: "You do realise that makes even less -"
Shinzon: "Yeah, yeah, I know. Just go along with it, okay?"
Picard: "Right, fine, whatever."
Shinzon: "Anyway, since I badly need to drink your blood, how about you run on back to your ship now. Because there's absolutely no way for me to capture you when you're all alone with no support on my super-dooper flagship."
*later, on the Enterprise E*
Shinzon: "Muahahahaha! Because I badly need to do things quickly before I die, I'm going to waste time mind-shagging Troi. Yes, I'm just that evil."
*later*
Geordi: "ZOMG! They're stealing the Captain! What a shocking twist!"
Riker: "Okay, anyone in the audience who didn't see that coming, please remove yourselves from the genepool ASAP."
*later, on the Scimitar*
Shinzon: "Muahahahaha! I kidnapped you, Picard! I bet you never saw that coming! Now, because we need to hurry up or I'll die, I'm going to stand here laughing at you for the next hour or so, and then just leave you alone and do nothing. Muahahahaha!"
Picard: "Wait, shouldn't you be drinking my blood about now?"
Shinzon: "Yes.........."
Picard: "And you're not going to actualy do this at all, despite having me at your mercy?"
Shinzon: "Nope."
Picard: "Right......"
*later*
Data: "Hello, Captain. It's a good thing Shinzon doesn't bother to keep an eye on a member of his crew who has an exact opposite on the enemy ship. Can you believe how stupid this guy is?"
Picard: "Yeah, good thing he doesn't bother with a little thing like security."
*later*
Shinzon: "Curses! I completely did not see my henchman's exact opposite sneaking aboard! Oh, well, I guess I'll go blow up Earth now. You know, because I'm evil and hate humans....despite being one of them. Yeah, this makes perfect sense."
*later, on the E-E*
Riker: "Okay, Captain, here's the plan. We're going to fly into this nebula that stops communications and sensors working. There's a fleet waiting on the other side for us."
Picard: "Riker, that is without doubt the dumbest plan you've ever come up with."
Riker: "Oh....so, we won't be heading into the obvious ambush?"
Picard: "Hey, what the hell do you think I am? Competent? Of course we're going into the obvious ambush!"
*meanwhile, at the Federation fleet*
Admiral: "Okay, Picard. We'll wait for you over here. Don't bother telling us when you'll arrive, otherwise we may actualy start to worry about you when you don't come out."
*later, in the nebula*
Shinzon: "Muahahahaha! I ambushed them! I bet no one saw that coming!"
Picard: "Damn, we were ambushed. I totally did not see that coming! Too bad we can't target their invisible ship. Let's just fire blind in the vain hope of hitting something."
Shinzon: "Helm! Take us as close to their ship as you can possibly get so it's even easier for them to hit us!"
Picard: "Wow, we can fire blind and still kick the crap out of his ship. Jeez, where the hell did this guy learn tactics?"
Shinzon: "Damn, they're somehow able to hit my super-invisible ship!"
Cannon Fodder Romulans: "Picard, we're here to help you defeat Shinzon because.......uh.....yeah."
Picard: "Look, if you wanted to kill him, why not just assassinate him on the ground, rather than trying to take down his super-ship?"
Cannon Fodder Romulans: ".........."
Shinzon: "Damn, they're still hitting us! Target the Romulans!"
Cannon Fodder Romulans: "Arrrgghhh!" *exit stage left*
Picard: "Jeez, well they were a great help."
*Meanwhile*
Admiral: "Geez, these guys are taking their time. I mean, what's taking them so long? It's not like they're under attack, or something .."
*later, in the nebula*
Shinzon: "Muahahahaha! We brought down their shields! Now, beam a team in to capture Picard!"
Picard: "Damn, they're beaming troops in! Right, I want all important officers to leave their stations in the middle of this vicious battle, and go to the other side of the ship."
Riker: "Whoooo! I get to be an action hero!"
Picard: "Oh, crap, Shinzon just knocked out my weapons. Gee, I guess I should have actualy kept the officer doing their jobs. Well, let's ram his super ship which has stopped in front of us for no apparent reason!"
Reman Pilot: "Uh...Sir? They're heading right for us. Should we get out of the way?"
Shinzon: "No, let's just wallow around in space for a minute. That oughta get rid of them."
*bang*
Shinzon: "Whoops, damn, I really thought that would work...."
*meanwhile*
Admiral: "Anyone got a pack of cards?"
*later, in the nebula*
Picard: "Right, I'm going over completely on my own to take on Shinzon. I'm not taking any back up, support, or even a second gun. And I certainly amn't thinking of beaming a bomb over! That's just how smart I am."
Data: "Okay, I'm now going to jump across space to the Scimitar.....despite having tonnes of different ways to get across that are far less risky. Yeah....."
Picard: "Whoooo! I never would have guessed a 60 year old starship captain could take on the entire crew of a super-ship single handedly and win!"
Shinzon: "Muahahahaha! I will now beat you in hand to hand combat!"
Picard: "Why the hell don't you just shoot me? There's plenty of weapons lying around."
Shinzon: "Quiet!"
*one fight scene later*
Shinzon: "Wow, I guess running straight into a spikey pole was a bad idea. Arghhhhhhhhhhh........" *exit stage right*
Picard: "Whew, now to sacrifice myself to blow up the supe-ship that's taking a freaking hour to blow up one defenceless ship."
Data: "Don't worry, I'm going to sacrafice myself instead. Except my brain has been downloaded into B4 to cheapen my death even further."
*bang*
Picard: "Yay! We beat Shinzon and saved the Earth!"
Riker: "Yay! I got to be an action hero!"
Troi: "Yay! I got to add nothing to the plot by being mind-raped!"
B4: "Yay! My subplot was actualy relevant!"
Cannon Fodder Romulans: "Yay! You did what we couldn't be bothered to do!"
Federation Fleet: "Yay! We were totally ineffectual!"
Audience: "Yay! The idiocy has ended!"
*end of film*
Next script to be mocked: Insurrection
