Tell us a joke!

[Dean Martlou]

i can sympathize.

[Tiberius]

A Human, a Ferengi and a Klingon are on a shuttlecraft that crashes on a remote planet. They manage to get the subspace communication relay working and they send out a distress signal. A Federation startship picks up the transmission and says they'll be in orbit in three days.

So the Human, the ferengi and the Klingon have no choice but to sit and wait.

On the first day, a huge bug the size of a football comes flying past. The Human swats it away. The Ferengi swats it away. The Klingon grabs it and eats it.

On the second day, another one of the huge bugs comes flying past. The Human swats it away. The Ferengi swats it away. The Klingon grabs it and eats it.

On the third day, a few hours before the starship arrives, another huge bug comes flying past. The Human swats it away. The Ferengi grabs it, turns to the Klingon and says, "Hey, you wanna buy a bug?"

[Foxbat]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[RedDwarfian]

Reviving an old thread with 2 jokes:

First, the gross one:

Two golfers are out on a course. About at the 7th hole, one of the golfers says to his buddy "Oh man, I got to use the bathroom!"

"Well, there are some bushes over there," replies the second.

"Naw, man, it's #2."

"So?"

"So, I don't have anything to wipe with!"

The second golfer thinks for a moment, then says "You got a dollar?"

"Yeah."

"Well then, use that!"

After a few minutes, the first golfer comes out, hands covered in *ahem* waste. The second golfer's shocked. "What happened to you?!"

The first golfer looks at him and says "Have you ever tried to wipe your butt with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel?"



Now, my favorite:

Guy walks into a bar, starts tossing back beers. After about his fifth beer, he goes and challenges someone to a game of darts. The bartender's a little anxious, because the guy's obviously swaying on the spot, but reluctantly hands over the darts.

The drunk is obviously a sandbagger, because he's just nailing bullseye after bullseye, triple 20's, he's got incredible aim. After beating 2-3 guys, he staggers over to the bartender, and says, "So wha'd I win?"

The bartender's obviously a little flustered, considering the man's obviously smashed, and he pulled off games of darts some people can't do sober. He starts to wrack his brain, and suddenly comes up with an answer: On the way to work today, he had found a turtle in a box on the side of the road. He hadn't had a chance to drop it off at home, so it was still behind the counter. He pulls the turtle out, and gives it to the guy. The guy nods his thanks, and walks out.

Next week, same guy comes back in. He tosses back another 5 beers, then starts tearing up the dart board, pulling off shots pro players would give body parts for. After 3 or so opponents, he swaggers over to the bartender, and again asks "So wha'd I win?"

The bartender, remembering the man but not the prize, asks him "I don't know, what did I give you last time?"

The man thinks for a moment, then replies "Roast beef on a hard roll."

[Tiberius]

When Ensign Smith first arrived on DS9, he went straight to Quarks and ordered three synthales. Quark served him the three drinks. After finishing them, Smith ordered another three, and again, Quark served him the three ales. When Smith ordered another three ales, Quark, being ever curious, asked Smith, "Why is it that you order three ales each time, instead of getting them one at a time?"

"Well," replies Smith, "I've got two brothers, all in the Fleet. And when we were all assigned to different postings, we agreed that we'd always remember each other by buying three drinks at once. So I'm buying a drink for me, and one each for my two brothers."

Everyone thinks this is a wonderful way for Smith to remember his brothers, and his little tradition becomes quite well known.

Time passes, and the Federation and the Dominion go to war. Smith's brothers are both serving on ships at the front line. Smith is understandably concerned for his brothers, and each time he goes to Quark's and orders his three ales, Quark makes a point to ask how his two brothers are.

Then one day, Smith comes in and orders TWO synthales.

Instantly, the bar goes silent. Everyone stops what they are doing and looks at Smith, fearing the worst. Quark brings over the two ales, sets them on the bar and says, very quietly, "These are on the house." He pats Smith on the shoulder.

Smith looks up and says, "That's very nice of you, but why?"

Quark says, "Because of your brother."

"My brother?" says Smith. "What about him?"

"One of your brothers has been killed in the war, hasn't he?" asks Quark. Isn't that why you only ordered two ales today?"

Smith laughs. "No, my brothers are fine!"

Confused, Quark asks him, "So why have you only ordered two ales instead of your usual three?"

And Smith answers: "I had my annual physical today, and Dr Bashir recommended I stop drinking!"

[Granitehewer]

A little laddie, straps his go-kart to the 'family jewels' of his pet bulldog, the lads' father, loudly protests this travesty and demands a thorough explanation, the boy explains that he was merely trying to recreate a police car, the father then points out that rather than being tied around the dogs' member, the leash should be harnassed to the dogs neck, the boy agress but says 'then how would i get my siren!?'

[celeritas]

A prominent astronomer was taking the train to work when he overhear an old man talk about NASA's plan for manned exploration of mars.

"Oh isn't it wonderful! I remember when mankind first stepped foot on the moon and now we're going to mars! why, after we get to mars, I bet we'll go to the sun!" the old man exclaimed.

The astronomer, somewhat amused by this statement tried to explain to the old man, "dear fellow, we can't go to the sun. the sun is far too hot and we'll never manage to get very close. we'd simply burn up!"

But the old man was far from detoured, and replied, "Oh ho ho, thats an easy problem to solve! we'll just go at night!"