Wrote this about 5 years ago on IMDB - had no idea it still existed till I found the link on my IMDB profile - seems Boomspeed didn't bother deleting my data along with my account..
"The Adventures of Porthos the Intergalactic Cheesedog"
Captain Archer is in command of the Enterprise as it explores the unknown. Or so he thinks. Back in his cabin a genius mind is making evil plans over a bowl of cheese biscuits.
On the bridge:
"Captains Log. Stardate 1302.4214.55343.54. - After 3 months in space I'm still having trouble with these Stardates. What was wrong with Greenwich anyways. Crew are performing satisfactorily - I guess. Hoshi won't go on an away mission without her stuffed bear Eric. T'Pol insists on wearing tight suits on the bridge. Why does a species that only has sex every 7 years do that? Is it a test of their emotion suppressing techniques? Or do they just like winding me up? Malcolm insists on blowing things up every chance he gets. Tucker keeps calling me Cappin, and the Chef refuses to serve anything but sprouts. I hate sprouts. They give me the runs. I've been to Dr Phlox about it, but all he ever seems to do is prescribe leaches.
So far we've encountered three intelligent species. First was a mysterious race called the Founders. First contact was made rather difficult by the fact that Malcolm mistook the command to open hailing frequencies with open fire, and incinerated them before I had a chance to say hi. Still, new phasers seem to be working fine. Maybe they wont take it personally.
Second was a group of people called the Romulans. They sent numerous messages that Hoshi interpreted as "We come in peace and offer eternal friendship", but unfortunately there was a malfunction in the Viewscreens that T'Pol claimed would take a week to fix. Eventually the Romulans sent a message that Hoshi refused to translate in front of the bridge crew, and they left.
Last race was a group of ugly mothers calling themselves the Ferengi. They seemed hostile at first, but seemed pretty taken with Porthos. After taking him for a visit over to their ship, they left promising to return real soon"
Malcom climbed down from his high chair.
"Captain, I'm getting strange readings from your quarters. Permission to go to Red Alert and send an armed Security Team down there"
"No" replied the Captain, "its probably just Porthos humping the lamp again. I'll go sort it out. Try not to destroy anything while I'm gone."
"Hmpph, yes Captain"
Captain Archer entered his quarters. "Porthos, what are you upto in here? If I have to get Tucker down here to replace that shower head again I'll.. hey, what the "
Back on the bridge, Malcolm is getting restless.
"I still think we should send a team down there. A few charges on the door and.."
"Nope" interrupted Tucker. "You heard the Cappin. Its probably nothing"
"Wait", said Hoshi, "I'm getting something. Sounds like Porthos."
"Can you translate?" replied Tucker.
"Not sure, having trouble locking it down. I need a few more barks"
"Come one Hoshi, the Cappin could be in trouble"
"Hold on, I think I have.. That can't be right"
"Well", said Tucker, "What is it?"
"Well, I can't be sure, but it sounds like 'I have Captain Archer tied to the bed naked with his manly bits connected upto the light socket. If you don't transfer all the command codes to me at once I'm gonna fry him good and proper"
"You sure you reading it right? Maybe you should run it again"
"No. Wait. I have the Captain"
Captain Archers panicked voice boomed out over the bridge speakers.
"Do what he says Tucker, he means it, He's not been the same since I had him castrated. He's gone mad"
"Can't do it Cappin" said Tucker.
Malcolm jumped back onto his high chair.
"I'll get him out of there. Security to the Captains quarters immediately. Security?"
"Its Porthos again" said Hoshi. "He said don't bother calling Security. The crew found out about your plans to create a suicide squad called the Red Shirts and weren't too happy. They've all joined up with him now. Apparently they aren't too happy about those exploding consoles either Tucker. "
"I told them, I'll get to fixing them as soon as I've adjusted the Captains Chair"
"May I point out that in the event of the Captain being incapacitated, I have command of the Enterprise" asked T'Pol.
"Good point" replied Tucker. "Make's this decision much more simple. Hoshi, tell him we agree to his terms. Any objections?"
The bridge crew all shook there heads, except T'Pol, who went off to meditate.
"Wait" said Hoshi. "Porthos says theres one more condition. All females on board must be naked from now on. And we all have to take turns rubbing his ears."
"Well, that settles it. Congratulations Porthos, You're the new Cappin"
Hoshi's protestations were lost amongst the cheering of the Bridge crew, and so began the reign of Porthos, the Intergalactic Cheesedog.
Just for the hell of it - The Adventures of Porthos
Just for the hell of it - The Adventures of Porthos
"You ain't gonna get off down the trail a mile or two, and go missing your wife or something, like our last cook done, are you?"
"My wife is in hell, where I sent her. She could make good biscuits, but her behavior was terrible."
"My wife is in hell, where I sent her. She could make good biscuits, but her behavior was terrible."
Re: Just for the hell of it - The Adventures of Porthos
Now under the command of Porthos, the Enterprise continuing its quest to seek out new forms of life and make peaceful contact.
The Romulan ship exploded in a brilliant flash of light.
"Dammit Tucker, when are you going to get those Viewscreens working?" barked Porthos.
"Sorry Cappin, I was going to start working on them last night but T'Pol needed me to fix her shower"
"Very well. Just get it fixed soon, those Romulans might have a new form of cheese. And I want it. Oh and one more thing"
"Yes Cappin?"
"You do remember what I said would happen if you called me Cappin again?"
"Sorry" gulper Tucker, crossing his legs. "Won't happen again"
"I thought you were gonna teach him to speak properly Hoshi."
Hoshi turned round. "Sorry sir, but he has trouble concentrating. Maybe if I wasn't naked all the time"
"Now now, you know the new regulations. Now come on, I must prepare for our next meeting with the Ferengi"
"Prepare sir?"
"Yes, a de flea-ing and an ear rub I think. How long till we arrive at the meeting point?'
Mayweather deftly steered the ship through a cluster of floating Romulans, and turned to answer.. "3 hours till rendezvous Captain'
"Meeting place dammit!! Until Starfleet makes a Frenchman captain of one of its ships, which is never gonna happen, we will not use French words. Darn surrender monkeys. Don't let me hear that again"
"Yes Captain."
Mayweather crossed his legs, and turned around just in time to see the Romulan Captain splatter onto the Viewscreen. "Shite" he cursed.
"Right, you know the rules, outside and clean that off. And I don't want any brain smears this time"
"Yes sir' Mayweather said, and went to don his spacesuit.
3 hours later, the Ferengi Captain, and Porthos were enjoying an ear rub together.
"Ooooooh, Mok!!" said the Ferengi Captain, "A little lower. What do you call this?'
"Actually, that will be all girls, we have business to discuss" said Porthos, licking his left testicle.
Ensign Hoshi and her identical clone Mok nodded and left the Captains quarters.
"I see the cloning device you salvaged from that destroyed alien vessel is working well. I like your clothing policy by the way, must suggest it to my superiors. Any problems with the takeover Captain Cheesedog?"
"No, the crew was totally fooled. They've no idea that's not the real Captain over there. How's my old master doing anyways?"
"Simmering nicely thank you. Should be done in time lunch. You and your crew are invited of course"
"We would be honored. Now down to business. These cheese stores on Tau Beta 3, you're sure they're there."
"My sources are most reliable Captain Cheesedog. Remember our end of the deal though. We get the men, you get the Cheese, and the females we divide up between us"
Porthos finished licking. "Most certainly Captain. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm needed on the Bridge. Have to try and get that damn viewscreen fixed before we run out of torpedoes. Don't forget the lights on your way out"
The Ferengi sniggered as the cloned Archers groaned, and summoned Mok back over,
The Enterprise and the newly renamed Mokrub approached Tau Beta 3. Porthos was in his quarters, trying out the Ferengi teeth sharpener on the Archer Clone. Mayweathers voice boomed out over the loudspeakers.
"Approaching destination now Captain. You sure you wanna do this. It is a friendly Colony"
"Positive Ensign. There's cheese in that Colony"
"Yes sir. Going into stationary orbit".
Porthos jumped down from his chair and headed for the bridge, flicking the lightswitch on the way.
"Theres that power drain again". Malcolm climbed onto his box to check his panels. "Wonder whats causing it. Any ideas Commander"
"I'll get right on it." Replied Tucker. "Once I figure out how to stop these consoles from exploding all the time"
"Maybe if you didn't keep reversing the polarity" muttered one of the lower ranks.
"I heard that. I ought to put you on your report Ensign - "
"Crusher 12 sir"
"Weren't you killed on an away mission last week?"
"No sir, that was Crusher 11"
"Aaaah, You know you two look a lot alike."
Ensign Crusher groaned and returned his attentions to his console. Porthos and Hoshi entered the bridge.
"Is the mind control device the Ferengi supplied working yet Malcolm?"
"Yes sir, we lost a few Ensigns testing it, but once Tucker reversed the polarity again it worked fine"
"Lost?"
"Well, just the heads. Rather messy actually. Good job the technician was female, she'd never have got her uniform clean."
"Very good. You ah, kept the bodies I trust?"
"Yes sir, frozen and sent to the kitchens stores as per you instructions. If I may ask,,"
"No you can't. Now prepare to bring the device online. Hoshi, have you raised the colony yet?"
"Coming through on audio now sir. No. Hang on, Viewscreens seem to be back online again."
"Strange.."
The administrator of Tau Beta 3 appeared on the viewscreen.
"Greetings Captain Archer, we weren't expecting you Porthos? Porthos my old boy, how are you after the operation? No overt signs of aggressiveness I hope. - Wait, why are you in the Captains chair. And why is Hoshi naked? Where's Archer?"
"I'm in charge now mate. We've come for your cheese and half your women"
"Half our women?!!"
"Sure, the Ferengi get the other half. Now make with the cheese"
"I'll never give up our cheese. Hang on, - what's that? Oh right - , Or our women.
"Is that so? Malcolm, the device."
Malcolm pushed a button on his console, and winced as Crusher 12 was blown across the bridge and into the turbo lift.
"Sorry sir"
"Forget it." Replied Porthos, jumping into his chair. "Crusher 13 to the bridge. What do you mean 'not ready yet?' Oh ok fine, send me a Haskell. And make sure this one doesn't have an attack of the shakes whenever he sees a disembodied face on the viewscreen. Now where was I. Oh yes, the cheese and women, now"
"At once" came the administrator's now subservient voice. "Transporting now. Transport complete"
"Thanks you. You can turn it off now Malcolm."
"Yes sir".
Malcolm put one finger in his ear and pushed the button with his other. The administrator came around.
"Wait what happened? What have you done?"
"Struck another blow for the cheese deprived dogs throughout the galaxy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a nap. See you at lunch. Viewscreen off"
"Lunch? What do you mean? No - AAARGH!!".
The viewscreen deactivated just as the administrator was being set upon by a group of Ferengi wearing Chefs outfits.Porthos grinned.
"Come one Hoshi, Its time for my walkies"
The Romulan ship exploded in a brilliant flash of light.
"Dammit Tucker, when are you going to get those Viewscreens working?" barked Porthos.
"Sorry Cappin, I was going to start working on them last night but T'Pol needed me to fix her shower"
"Very well. Just get it fixed soon, those Romulans might have a new form of cheese. And I want it. Oh and one more thing"
"Yes Cappin?"
"You do remember what I said would happen if you called me Cappin again?"
"Sorry" gulper Tucker, crossing his legs. "Won't happen again"
"I thought you were gonna teach him to speak properly Hoshi."
Hoshi turned round. "Sorry sir, but he has trouble concentrating. Maybe if I wasn't naked all the time"
"Now now, you know the new regulations. Now come on, I must prepare for our next meeting with the Ferengi"
"Prepare sir?"
"Yes, a de flea-ing and an ear rub I think. How long till we arrive at the meeting point?'
Mayweather deftly steered the ship through a cluster of floating Romulans, and turned to answer.. "3 hours till rendezvous Captain'
"Meeting place dammit!! Until Starfleet makes a Frenchman captain of one of its ships, which is never gonna happen, we will not use French words. Darn surrender monkeys. Don't let me hear that again"
"Yes Captain."
Mayweather crossed his legs, and turned around just in time to see the Romulan Captain splatter onto the Viewscreen. "Shite" he cursed.
"Right, you know the rules, outside and clean that off. And I don't want any brain smears this time"
"Yes sir' Mayweather said, and went to don his spacesuit.
3 hours later, the Ferengi Captain, and Porthos were enjoying an ear rub together.
"Ooooooh, Mok!!" said the Ferengi Captain, "A little lower. What do you call this?'
"Actually, that will be all girls, we have business to discuss" said Porthos, licking his left testicle.
Ensign Hoshi and her identical clone Mok nodded and left the Captains quarters.
"I see the cloning device you salvaged from that destroyed alien vessel is working well. I like your clothing policy by the way, must suggest it to my superiors. Any problems with the takeover Captain Cheesedog?"
"No, the crew was totally fooled. They've no idea that's not the real Captain over there. How's my old master doing anyways?"
"Simmering nicely thank you. Should be done in time lunch. You and your crew are invited of course"
"We would be honored. Now down to business. These cheese stores on Tau Beta 3, you're sure they're there."
"My sources are most reliable Captain Cheesedog. Remember our end of the deal though. We get the men, you get the Cheese, and the females we divide up between us"
Porthos finished licking. "Most certainly Captain. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm needed on the Bridge. Have to try and get that damn viewscreen fixed before we run out of torpedoes. Don't forget the lights on your way out"
The Ferengi sniggered as the cloned Archers groaned, and summoned Mok back over,
The Enterprise and the newly renamed Mokrub approached Tau Beta 3. Porthos was in his quarters, trying out the Ferengi teeth sharpener on the Archer Clone. Mayweathers voice boomed out over the loudspeakers.
"Approaching destination now Captain. You sure you wanna do this. It is a friendly Colony"
"Positive Ensign. There's cheese in that Colony"
"Yes sir. Going into stationary orbit".
Porthos jumped down from his chair and headed for the bridge, flicking the lightswitch on the way.
"Theres that power drain again". Malcolm climbed onto his box to check his panels. "Wonder whats causing it. Any ideas Commander"
"I'll get right on it." Replied Tucker. "Once I figure out how to stop these consoles from exploding all the time"
"Maybe if you didn't keep reversing the polarity" muttered one of the lower ranks.
"I heard that. I ought to put you on your report Ensign - "
"Crusher 12 sir"
"Weren't you killed on an away mission last week?"
"No sir, that was Crusher 11"
"Aaaah, You know you two look a lot alike."
Ensign Crusher groaned and returned his attentions to his console. Porthos and Hoshi entered the bridge.
"Is the mind control device the Ferengi supplied working yet Malcolm?"
"Yes sir, we lost a few Ensigns testing it, but once Tucker reversed the polarity again it worked fine"
"Lost?"
"Well, just the heads. Rather messy actually. Good job the technician was female, she'd never have got her uniform clean."
"Very good. You ah, kept the bodies I trust?"
"Yes sir, frozen and sent to the kitchens stores as per you instructions. If I may ask,,"
"No you can't. Now prepare to bring the device online. Hoshi, have you raised the colony yet?"
"Coming through on audio now sir. No. Hang on, Viewscreens seem to be back online again."
"Strange.."
The administrator of Tau Beta 3 appeared on the viewscreen.
"Greetings Captain Archer, we weren't expecting you Porthos? Porthos my old boy, how are you after the operation? No overt signs of aggressiveness I hope. - Wait, why are you in the Captains chair. And why is Hoshi naked? Where's Archer?"
"I'm in charge now mate. We've come for your cheese and half your women"
"Half our women?!!"
"Sure, the Ferengi get the other half. Now make with the cheese"
"I'll never give up our cheese. Hang on, - what's that? Oh right - , Or our women.
"Is that so? Malcolm, the device."
Malcolm pushed a button on his console, and winced as Crusher 12 was blown across the bridge and into the turbo lift.
"Sorry sir"
"Forget it." Replied Porthos, jumping into his chair. "Crusher 13 to the bridge. What do you mean 'not ready yet?' Oh ok fine, send me a Haskell. And make sure this one doesn't have an attack of the shakes whenever he sees a disembodied face on the viewscreen. Now where was I. Oh yes, the cheese and women, now"
"At once" came the administrator's now subservient voice. "Transporting now. Transport complete"
"Thanks you. You can turn it off now Malcolm."
"Yes sir".
Malcolm put one finger in his ear and pushed the button with his other. The administrator came around.
"Wait what happened? What have you done?"
"Struck another blow for the cheese deprived dogs throughout the galaxy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a nap. See you at lunch. Viewscreen off"
"Lunch? What do you mean? No - AAARGH!!".
The viewscreen deactivated just as the administrator was being set upon by a group of Ferengi wearing Chefs outfits.Porthos grinned.
"Come one Hoshi, Its time for my walkies"
"You ain't gonna get off down the trail a mile or two, and go missing your wife or something, like our last cook done, are you?"
"My wife is in hell, where I sent her. She could make good biscuits, but her behavior was terrible."
"My wife is in hell, where I sent her. She could make good biscuits, but her behavior was terrible."