Now apologise for America, Britain told

[thelordharry]

Source

A massive, unstoppable Essex?

IF Britain is in the mood for apologising for things it should really add America to its list, it was claimed last night.

As David Cameron told Pakistan that its current balls-out craziness was actually the fault of the British empire, experts pointed to the giant, stupid, disgusting country founded by some people from East Anglia.

Julian Cook, author of America: What the Fuck Were We Thinking?, said: "When Harwich-born Christopher Jones captained the Mayflower in 1620 he began a process that would lead ultimately to genocide, the Ku Klux Klan and Grey's Anatomy.

"Thanks to him and his insane passengers, the way was paved for a nation of heavily armed toddlers led around by an ever-changing roll-call of religious maniacs, grubby conmen and dead-eyed celebrities.

"It doesn't understand anything more than 15 minutes old - except creationism - and is littered with strip malls and heavily branded cheese pumps.

"We have engineered a massive, unstoppable Essex. We should all be in jail."

Cook conceded that other European countries would have taken Britain's place, but stressed: "Then we might have had a massive, unstoppable Dordogne. And that sounds brilliant."

Historian, Roy Hobbs, added: "And let's not forget that in the 19th century we made it even worse by ensuring its eastern seaboard was flooded with drunken, Irish gangsters whose chippy, lachrymose descendants would end up buying millions of U2 albums.

"So as well as Pakistan and America, we created Bono. And how do you even begin to apologise for Bono?"

Meanwhile, Cameron's apology has been questioned by experts who stressed the £650m in educational aid to Pakistan being used to counter the sort of peevish, blood thirsty Islam that existed before the British empire was even a shitty little twinkle in a Plantagenet eye.

Bill McKay, professor of tiffin at Reading University, said: "If it wasn't for a smattering of slightly giddy, gin-hammering colonists and jolly, Simon Callow-style vicars it could actually have been be much, much worse."

[Mikey]

What's wrong with Essex?

[Vic]

Some Noble Lord maybe? Pubah, or maybe Grand Pubah?

[thelordharry]

Hmmmm, I've always been a fan of the US....and I'm from Essex. Small coincidence?

[Mikey]

Hmmmm, I've always been a fan of the US....and I'm from Essex. Small coincidence?

So it's all your fault!

Seriously, though, I don't get the joke... what makes Essex the butt of the joke?

[IanKennedy]

This sort of thing:

[Reliant121]

Guh. I am not proud of my home county.

[Mikey]

"Only place in the world?" Obviously, whoever wrote that has never visited any part of America more urban than "completely agrarian." I've never been, but I'd hazard a guess that there are parts of London, Birmingham, and Liverpool that would qualify for having all the seedy side-effects of "squalid sprawl" that Essex does.

[Mikey]

BTW, that guy in the plaid car would - in most cities and many suburban extensions in America - be quickly assisted to assume room temperature for being a complete poser, not wearing colors, and tricking up a car like that without either "rizzies" or a cold-air. He'd probably get a broken malt bottle in his liver just for throwing signs like that.

[Foxfyre]

BTW, that guy in the plaid car would - in most cities and many suburban extensions in America - be instantly assisted to assume room temperature for being a complete poser........

Fixed for you.

[thelordharry]

Indeed, you're right Mikey. I don't think there's any part of the UK (the World?) that doesn't have it's undesirable elements to it. Take London for example. Due to it's dense population, you can be in millionaires row one street and turn the corner and you're in social housing central. Let me tell you, I've been to more or less the whole of the UK in my lifetime (sporting events/holidays/work etc) and I'd take Essex over the vast majority of densely populated areas, north or south, any day. However, whenever people think 'Essex' they immediately jump to the Essex stereotype.

Still, back to the matter in hand, it all now makes sense when I have such an affection for a place like New York

[Mikey]

Good example - people have a stereotype of New York City based mostly on outlying areas in Queens or The Bronx, or maybe ALL the way downtown; but Central and Upper Manhattan are still the cultural capital of the world, and there are co-ops in Manhattan that can command $4 - 5 million for LESS than 1,000 square feet.

[IanKennedy]

BTW, that guy in the plaid car would - in most cities and many suburban extensions in America - be quickly assisted to assume room temperature for being a complete poser, not wearing colors, and tricking up a car like that without either "rizzies" or a cold-air. He'd probably get a broken malt bottle in his liver just for throwing signs like that.

The difference is that in Essex he would be treated as cool.

[Mikey]

That's my point - in the areas about which I'm talking, his chav-ness would be considered only halfway done or not thorough enough to actually have any street cred.

[Reliant121]

Indeed, you're right Mikey. I don't think there's any part of the UK (the World?) that doesn't have it's undesirable elements to it. Take London for example. Due to it's dense population, you can be in millionaires row one street and turn the corner and you're in social housing central. Let me tell you, I've been to more or less the whole of the UK in my lifetime (sporting events/holidays/work etc) and I'd take Essex over the vast majority of densely populated areas, north or south, any day. However, whenever people think 'Essex' they immediately jump to the Essex stereotype.

Still, back to the matter in hand, it all now makes sense when I have such an affection for a place like New York

Have to take the opposite on that front, I find southend and its surrounding areas to be a toilet. But I'm relatively "rural" compared to many towny towny people.