Clients from hell

[Tsukiyumi]

[Mikey]

Well, I imagine that they certainly won't have a problem with being flooded with consumers.

Didn't Walt originally want Mickey to wear a swastika anyway?

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

I can't believe I just read this.

During the first meeting with the client, a Jewish community website for teens.

Client: ”We want something that has sort of an anarchist edge. Something crazy like Mickey Mouse with a swastika or something.”

Me: ”Are you sure your demographic is comfortable with swastikas?”

Client: ”Why wouldn’t they be?”

[Reliant121]

That's ridiculous.

[Teaos]

The Asshole Lawyer Boyfriend

[I’m not a designer but the attorney hired by a designer. I’m informing the client over the phone that he’s being sued for not paying the amount specified.]

Me: “Good afternoon, my name is [xxx], representing [designer] and [company]. We’re calling about payment that has not yet been received for a project which you agreed to pay for.”

Client: “What?! Who’s suing me?! Who is this?”

Me: “As I said, my name is [xxx], representing [designer] and [company]. You have X,XXX.XX that was supposed to be paid several months ago, as agreed upon by a contract with my clients.”

Client: “Are you suing me for a website? You’re not making any damn sense!”

Me: “You owe someone a fair deal of money and you’ve made it very clear that you have no intention of paying. I have several emails from your email address responding to my clients with messages such as “sayonara, suckers” and I am calling to see if you’d like to pay your fees now, or if we need to bring this into a courtroom, which I’m sure we’re all looking to avoid.”

Client: “I don’t know who this is or what the hell you want from me but listen up: fooling someone to make you a website isn’t a crime!”

Me: “You’re actually looking at some large fines and — should this be considered a felony — jail time.”

Client: “You’re a damn lawyer, you should know websites aren’t real. A website isn’t a thing, you can’t steal it! [designer] can still look at it, it’s still kinda his!”

[Within three days time, the designer received a check with the amount listed and an additional $20.00 “for your asshole lawyer boyfriend.” The designer had to resist framing the check for the novelty.]

I bet this happens a lot...

[McAvoy]

What stupidity?

[Lighthawk]

"We like the woman in the wheelchair, but we don’t want people to think being in a wheelchair makes her less feminine. You need to make her breasts larger."

"Tell your designer he can’t leave until tomorrow morning, I may want to change some of the wording on the website. I dont want him doing it from home, as someone might hack him and see what I’m planning…"

"Can you add a menu to the beginning of this VHS tape? You know, like a DVD so we can skip forward."

"We were thinking if you just photoshopped the lamp off the table, you’d be able to see the kids more clearly that are playing behind it."

Payment Options

Me: “Ok, the bid is $2,500 what payment schedule works best for you? I can take a deposit of 10% up front and you can pay the balance on delivery OR I can discount the entire project by 10% if you pay the entire bid in advance.”

Client: “Oh, I’ll take the discount and pay it all in advance.”

Me: “Ok, well then I’ll get started just as soon as I receive the payment.”

Client: “Oh, I’ll pay you when it’s done. Don’t you trust me?”

Me: “Oh, I thought you wanted to pay in advance so that you could get the discount.”

Client: “I do! I’ll pay in advance once the job is completed!”

Client: “[Indian outsourcer] says he can do this site for $200. Why should I go with you?”

Me: “Has he done any work for you in the past?”

Client: Yeah! He did [Other Site] for me.



Me: “The entire site’s done in Flash.”

Client: “Huh?”

Me: “It’s a site for iPhone users.”

Client: “I know. Cool, huh?”

Me: “It’s a site for iPhone users… none of whom can see it…”

Client: “Huh?”

Me: “The iPhone doesn’t support Flash.”

Client: “Well it looks fine on my PC!”

Me: “Do you have an iPhone?”

Client: “No.”

Me: “…”

Client: “Tell you what, I’m just gonna go with [Indian outsourcer]. He seems like he knows what he’s doing and I’m not sure you do.”

Me: “Have fun.”

[Reliant121]

That's enough to make my brain haemorrhage.

[Nutso]

"Indian Outsourcer." Great name for a rock band.

[Tsukiyumi]

"Indian Outsourcer." Great name for a rock band.

Hell yeah!

[Lighthawk]

Client: “We want to show one of our industrial steel columns in our logo. I think it should show one large tower with two smaller storage tanks along the bottom.”

Me: “Like this?” [I draw a long vertical shaft with two round circles at the base..]

Client: “It’s PERFECT! Let’s go with that.”

Client: “We need our ad to look exactly like the ads from Seattle (a different store’s ad by a different company).”

Me: “Well, I can’t just steal their ad.”

Client: “[Cutting me off] No. Yes we can, I have permission from on high to use their ad. It’s OK.”

Me: “OK, permission from whom?”

Client: “My boss said that it’s ok.”

Me: “But your boss doesn’t hold the copyright on that ad…”

Client: “He doesn’t need to, he said it’s ok.”

Me: “…”

Client [A California law firm]: “For the home page we’d like a photo of San Francisco. Lots of tall buildings, and it has to include the Golden Gate bridge.”

Me: “Sure, I can do that … but your offices aren’t in San Francisco.”

Client: “No, but we want people to think we are. It creates trust.”

Craigslist Ad

I have a once and a lifetime opportunity for the right designer who will help me to build the next twitter.

You have to be an expert at:

-Web design and graphics

-Website systems and programming

-Getting ranked 1st on google and getting 1 million visitors a month


This job is for an intern position with no pay, but you will be able to put this on your resume and get great exposure!

"Mock up looks nice, but do you think you can make it in 4D?"

"We don’t like the look of our phone number. Can you put a different phone number on the business cards, one that looks better but still have calls come through to the old one?"

"We shouldn’t have to pay you for this, because if we had the resources in-house, we’d be able to do it for free."

Me: “Ok, we’ve pushed the site live.”

Client: “Why isn’t the site #1 on Google yet?”

Me: “We just pushed it live five minutes ago.”

Client: “Optimize the fireball.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Do you mean the firewall?”

Client: “I need more hits NOW, so I need you to optimize the fireball. I know what I’m talking about!”

Me: “We’ll get right on it.”

Either the people are getting dumber, or I am from reading too many of these.

[Nutso]

“Optimize the fireball,” Jerry Lee Lewis' unreleased single.

[Tsukiyumi]

I think 90% of these clients should be shot.

[stitch626]

I think 90% of these clients should be shot.

It would certainly improve the gene pool.

[Sonic Glitch]

“Optimize the fireball,” Jerry Lee Lewis' unreleased single.