Clients from hell

[Tyyr]

You wouldn't think it looking at their instruments but it takes a badass to play something that girly.

[Mikey]

Ian Anderson. That's it. Every other floutist I've ever met or heard of - and there's been more than a few, being married to a career bando and all - have either been actual girls... or should have been.

[Lighthawk]

"Can you show Joanne [client’s secretary] how you designed our busienss cards. I don’t want to pay you for doing them."

"The woman in this photo is perfect, but she needs to be disabled. Can you photoshop her so she only has one arm?"

"All these drawings about dinosaurs… Why can’t we have photos?"

Client: “The logo looks great, but can we change the address font to Arabic? I need it for my Middle Eastern viewers.”

Me: “Actually, Arabic is a name of that font you sent me, it doesn’t actually change the words into another language. I can purchase a actual Arabic font, and figure out how to turn it into Arabic….”

Client: “So New Times Roman doesn’t change the words into Italian?”

Me: “No, Times New Roman is just a standard…”

Client: “Are you sure? Let me call you back after I check Word 2009. I have the newest version, so maybe it only does it in the newer version. I’ll give you a call back later today. Thanks.”

After a lengthy presentation for the design of a microsite, the clients had a few unanswered questions. Chief among them regarded the large portraits of former actors and directors beside their bios. The conversation went something like this:

Client: “Can you click the picture?”

Me: “No. What do you want it to do? Enlarge?”

Client: “No, I just want to click it.”

Me: “But when you click it, what do you want to happen?”

Client: “I just want to be able to click it.”

Me: “So what’s your budget?”

Client: “Well we are well known amongst all the Russian billionaires so there is great potential for you to get your name out there by doing this project for free. Also I am a direct descendant of Genghis Khan.”

"Ok, the horse lost. Can I pay you in cocaine?"

In the contract I received from Client:

“If payment for services is not received, all work must still be completed.”

We were presenting several print concepts to a national milk board, promoting milk as a healthy drink. Obviously a few of our concepts had pictures of cows in them, to which the client said: “NoNoNo, we can’t show cows in our ads. Our customers will find it disgusting when they realize that milk comes from cows.”

"I want you to make it so people have to give us their email before they can look at the site. If they’re gonna look at our stuff, I want to be able to spam them afterwards."

I was designing a brochure for a client that sells post-pregnancy corsets. They wanted me to have a page full of testimonials and recommendations. For the initial comps I used fake names and testimonials from doctors that I made up on the spot.

When it was time to finalize the brochure for the printers, I asked them to please give me the real testimonials…their response….

Client: “No, we really like the ones you wrote. They sound more convincing. Use those.”

Me: …………..

Us: I will send over your invoice today.

Client: Oh…you wanted to be paid?

Your arguments may be completely right and logical, but my gut feel tells me to change the layout."

An insurance salesman I was working with called me, livid about a 10-second music pad I had created for him. It featured some pop drums and an upbeat a cappella melody. In an outrage, he told me that his clients weren’t black, didn’t live in Harlem, and didn’t want to hear hip hop.

Alternative Payments

Client (after telling me the idea for the website): How much will that cost?

Me: Well, you’ve given me a lot of info. I’d like to organize all of these ideas and get back to you with an appropriate quote.

Client: I’d like to get it going as soon as possible. How’s $250?

Me: Uh… that’s a little low. I’d feel more comfortable just giving you an official quote and we can see if we can work out a payment plan.

Client: Alright, how about this. I’ll give you the $250 for this project and this other project I have. It’s a porn site for this 70-year-old woman. $250 for both sites AND 15% of the profits from that site.

Me: (speechless)

Client: And I’ll blow you.

[Sonic Glitch]

That's a lot of brass for a flute player.

You wouldn't think it looking at their instruments but it takes a badass to play something that girly.

Best part? It was a female flute player to male clarinet player.

[Nutso]

That's a lot of brass for a flute player.

You wouldn't think it looking at their instruments but it takes a badass to play something that girly.

Best part? It was a female flute player to male clarinet player.

Was the flute player named Kathryn, and the clarinet player named Harry?

[Nutso]

Alternative Payments

Client (after telling me the idea for the website): How much will that cost?

Me: Well, you’ve given me a lot of info. I’d like to organize all of these ideas and get back to you with an appropriate quote.

Client: I’d like to get it going as soon as possible. How’s $250?

Me: Uh… that’s a little low. I’d feel more comfortable just giving you an official quote and we can see if we can work out a payment plan.

Client: Alright, how about this. I’ll give you the $250 for this project and this other project I have. It’s a porn site for this 70-year-old woman. $250 for both sites AND 15% of the profits from that site.

Me: (speechless)

Client: And I’ll blow you.

I might consider this.

[McAvoy]

Which part?

[Graham Kennedy]

70 year old woman porn is hard to resist, after all.

[McAvoy]

Not to split hairs but it was porn for a 70 year old woman.

You still got the money from the websites and a possbility of a blowjob.

[Foxfyre]

Not to split hairs but it was porn for a 70 year old woman.

You still got the money from the websites and a possbility of a blowjob.

Wouldn't that make him a prostitute technically?

[McAvoy]

Perhaps... but as a male, getting paid for sex is a win-win. Unless the client is 70 years old...

[Mark]

This thread is right up my alley.

Me: Thank you for calling (insert script), I can help you.

Client: Yeah, I'm trying to sell my car and my SRS malfuction light is on. What is that?

Me: That's your Saftey Restraint System, meaning your seat belt and or air bags.

Client: If the light is on, what's that mean?

Me: The computer is detecting a malfunction in the system. I'd suggest you bring the car in for a diagnostic so we can identify and correct the problem for you.

Client: Is that free?

Me: No sir, unless the car is still under warranty, there WOULD be a fee associated with that.

Client: No, I don't want the work done. I'll just bring it in for you guy to disconnect the light or something.

Me: I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that. We can only turn the light off if we actually do the work.

Client: Why?

Me: To do so would constitute fraud, and we could be legally held liable should something happen to someone in the car if we turned the light off and didn't correct the problem. After all, its a saftey issue.

Client: Bottom line, what are you saying?

Me: Its illegal to do what your asking sir.

Client: Don't quote the law to me! I'm a lawyer!

[Captain Seafort]

IIRC you've told the story of this particular idiot before.