Sauron@Mordor.net
Witch-king & Co.: great opportunity here! Interrogation of Gollum reveals
One Ring is in Shire (see attached jpg map). Apparently held by hobbit with
last name of Baggins. Hobbits are v. short and not known to carry weapons.
Piece of orc-cake for you guys. Ride forth; grab the Baggins AND the Ring.
Time to earn your keep. End-of-year bonus could be big!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Oh Dark Lord, the magnificent. Can't find the Shire, so went to Saruman for
directions. He said your map was not to scale. Shire turns out to be a
*very* long way away. How come we're just learning this now? Expect delay
in OneRing project. Respectfully, the Nine.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Tell me you didn't mention the Ring to Saruman! RE expected delay in
project: I don't think so. Ride faster.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Great Master of Darkness, we did NOT tell Saruman about the Ring. Made up
story about losing one of the nine rings while on vacation in those parts.
Quite sure he bought it. Will do best to ride faster. Saruman great in
Isengard chatroom, you should check it out.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Have hacked site of Isengard chatroom. Feel pleased. Let me know when you
reach Shire.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Oh great Flaming Eye, stopped off at Bree for well deserved brewskies. Met
kewl guy, Bill Ferny, who says Shire not far off. Also says Shire has
'killer weed,' so maybe hobbits will all be dead when we arrive
. Hopeweed doesn't try to kill us. Looking forward to big bonus.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Get to the Shire, NOW! See attached artist's impression of Baggins.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Finally reached Shire. Hobbits still alive. No sign of lethal weed. One
hobbit said Baggins and pals moved to suburb called Buckleberry, so we
headed that way. Could have sworn we saw some hobbits matching description,
but were scared off by elves. Could have sworn I felt power of the Ring.
Wraith No.5 thinks he lost his ring in Bree. Do you have another one?
Sauron@Mordor.net
No I don't have another one. Nine freaking rings for men, not ten! Tell
No.5 to go back and find it. Better take three of you with him so he
doesn't get lost himself! Sheesh.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Hobbits escaped us by going cross-country. Hope rest of the Nine don't take
too long looking for No.5's ring in Bree. Thought we would outsmart hobbits
and cut them off. Thwarted by mushroom farmer because he had very mean dogs
NOT ON LEASHES. Maybe dogs will eat hobbits and we'll just wait to dig
through their poop for One Ring. We'll wash it good, so don't worry.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Witch-king & Co.: Your mid-year reviews are coming up and I can tell you
that it's not looking good. Inability (or unwillingness) to throw down with
farmer's dogs not impressive. Please show more initiative. Forget about
dog-poop idea. Proceed to Buckleberry.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Almost got 'em, Boss, but they took the ferry and wouldn't send the boat
back. Have to go long way around. BTW, Buckleberry and Brandywine River not
on your map, so have to ask for directions a lot. Probably an oversight on
your part. Detachment to Bree still hasn't returned. Think that WE should
get good reviews and Ringwraiths in Bree should be punished, because I'll
bet you they are drinking lots of brewskies while we do all the hard work.
Hugs.
Sauron@Mordor.net
(Sigh). I've freed Gollum in the unlikely, but not impossible, case that
you cannot fulfill your mission. He seems very dedicated to finding the
Ring. Consider this as competition for the year-end bonus.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Found 'em, Boss. Or at least we thought we found them. Busted up their
hiding place real good, but they escaped into Old Forest, which is very
scary. We would have gone in after them, but locals sounded incredible fire
alarm. Took a vote and decided to head to Bree, wait for hobbits.
Sauron@Mordor.net
You took a vote?! (Sigh). Fine, whatever.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Now in Bree, but rest of Black Riders not here. Barkeep wants us to pay
their tab. Pal Bill Ferny said homeys are retracing their steps to see if
No.5's ring fell off on way from Isengard. Rented great room with view.
Expense request enclosed.
Sauron@Mordor.net
2,000 farthings for 'Dwarf massage'?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Hobbits in the building! One Ring confirmed, as hobbit called Underhill
disappeared in bar. Guess you were wrong about the name Baggins. Attack on
their room planned for midnight! Wish us luck.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Good going, team. FYI: 'Underhill' probably an alias.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Got 'em, Boss. Or, well, we thought we did. Entered room where they were
staying and saw four beds with what seemed like hobbits sleeping. You
should have seen us tear into them! For 30 minutes of what can only be
described as a very impressive Ringwraith melee, we slashed and hacked and
completely trashed the hobbits' room. But we were tricked, because the
figures were only wooden bolsters underneath the covers. So me and the boys
went to the rest of the hobbit suites and, let me tell you, ain't no
hobbits going to lodging at the inn for quite a long time.
Sauron@Mordor.net
RE: Attempt to kill hobbits at Bree. I understand your explanation that
hobbits were not in room they rented. Am not mollified by your apparent
pride in spending half an hour smashing bolsters and generally trashing
that part of the inn. You nitwits!
Now listen to me carefully: Scare off all horses and ponies in Bree, then
watch for hobbits to flee on foot. Should be a no-brainer, even for you.
Any word on rest of the Nine?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Horses scattered like you said, Boss, except for Ferny's pony, which is
nearly dead anyway. Off to find rest of the Nine. Wish us luck.
Sauron@Mordor.net
I said watch the road, you twits, not search for the other Nazgul!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Right you are, Boss. We five are plenty for the job. I guess we'll get the
others' bonuses, ha ha. Anyway, turns out the hobbits have joined forces
with a Ranger, named Strider. Job suddenly got harder. They also bought
Ferny's pony; Bill got hit with apple from one of the hobbits, but lived.
He said they went cross-country, which means we'll just have to hope they
rejoin the road up ahead. Thoughts?
Sauron@Mordor.net
Thoughts? Yes, try following them. On second thought, we wouldn't want you
to get lost in the wild, would we? I mean, what is the deal with you guys?
Instead, proceed to Weathertop ... yes, it's on the map and wait for them.
Don't screw up this time!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Went to Weathertop, like you said, Boss. You didn't say a wizard lives
there! It was Gandalf, the one you loathe. You would be so proud of us. All
five of us ragged on him until he started flashing fire from his magic
wand, or whatever that thing is. Boss, you're going to love this: We all
rushed him and he ran like a frightened rabbit. Am now in pursuit! Wish us
luck.
Sauron@Mordor.net
No, you idiots! It's a diversion. Get back to Weathertop and wait for hobbits.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Returned to Weathertop, like you said, Boss. But hobbits and Ranger already
there. Attack planned for midnight, even though still missing four homeys.
Go us!
Sauron@Mordor.net
Yeah, go you. This is a results-oriented project, boys. Just bring It back.
That's all I'm asking. No hostages, nothing. Let them all live for all I
care. Good luck. There, I said it.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
We're really on track with the project, Boss! Raided Weathertop camp. We
had 'em. Check this out: No.2 stabbed the one carrying the Ring!
Unfortunately, the hobbit had Swiss army knife and stabbed No.2 in left big
toe. Didn't you say they were unarmed? We have to communicate more. Then
Ranger started setting us on fire. Most of us able to roll on ground and
save most of multi-layered robes, but I'm afraid No.6 and No. 8 are
completely naked. Believe hobbits and Ranger escaped. No.9 says he lost his
ring at Weathertop. Now I know what you're thinking, but you would be
wrong. We're ALL going back to find his ring. Thanks for wishing us luck,
because it sure worked! (Group hug).
Sauron@Mordor.net
Oh venerated mother of Morgoth! Why? What have I done to deserve this? Tell
me, please.
OK, the Ringbearer Thief has been stabbed. That's good. Think positive
thoughts.
Now, Witch-king, I want you to forget about No.9's ring. Go after the
Hobbits, NOW. They're bound for Rivendell for sure.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Oops, already went to Weathertop (had problems getting email today, think
you should check the modem bank, or server, or something). Good news. The
rest of the Nine showed up. Turns out No.5 had his ring in one of the folds
of his cloak all this time. I guess he's getting a bad review, right? Also
found No.9's ring, even though you don't seem to care about it. Didn't tell
No.9 you have adopted that position. Hope you care about my ring, still.
Now going after hobbits with full speed. Ringbearer Thief (is this his REAL
name?) should be catatonic by now from No.2's successful attack. No.2 wants
to know if he gets extra bonus, and isn't sure he signed up for Mordor's
HMO on re-enrollment week. His big toe is really looking bad. Thoughts?
Sauron@Mordor.net
No.1, oh dear Witch-king. Apparently I have failed as a manager to
sufficiently convey the importance of the OneRing project. To wit: Your
sole purpose is to find the One Ring. Then lay your hands upon it. Do not
put it on! Keep it safe on your journey back to Mordor. Then give it to me.
That's it. All the personnel concerns you have mentioned will be taken care
of, as long as you bring It back. Got that? Comprendez? Dost thou fathom?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
You're right as always, Boss. The One Ring. Got ya loud and clear. Uh, OK,
sorry it's been a week since last email. We like nearly had him at the
Ford, Rivendale. I mean, we were really, really close. Even though we had
to mess with an elvish warrior and chase after an incredibly fast horse
carrying Ringbearer, we were on it. Dude, there was this flood you wouldn't
imagine, with scary horse things, and our own horses just freaked, so
you'll have to blame the horses, which drowned. Since none of us can swim,
and the flood was so terrible, all of us are now buck naked, although I
still have my crown. No one lost their ring, which is a plus, right?
Sauron@Mordor.net
(Sigh). This is not happening. Feared Nazgul in a pig's eye! You have new
orders: Get your butts back to the office. No, wait, you'll just get lost
on the way. I'm sending my nine foul beasts of the air to fetch you.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Flying first class, Boss! This is way better than riding horses. Thanks for
the gesture. We'll be able to get that Ring on Air Mordor, if you would
just give us another chance. Please?
Sauron@Mordor.net
After lengthy consideration, have decided against my better judgement to
send the Nine out again to find the Ring. Yes, you will be flying Air
Mordor this time. Make sure the beasts eat some grass for roughage, damnit.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Back in first class, Boss. Thanks for the reprieve!
Sauron@Mordor.net
Hobbits reported in Moria. Company now numbering nine. How quaint. Balrog
will get them. Then orcs will bring out Ring. Watch the eastern exit.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Moria not on map, much less east exit. Asked elves in Lothlorien for
directions, but no help there. Took a vote and will watch Anduin River near
Rauros. Wish us luck!
Sauron@Mordor.net
You're going to need it.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Good news, Boss! Found the crew (there's eight, not nine like you said).
Unfortunately, No.3's beast was shot down by an elf, so expect him to show
up all bedraggled at Black Gate. He lost his key, so you'll have to let him
in. No.2 hasn't been feeding his beast any grass, and its poop is just
horrible! Also, looks like your orcs joined up with Saruman's brood. They
captured two of the hobbits after killing man of Gondor. Go orcs. Seems
they are heading toward Isengard, not Mordor. Suggest you contact them and
send reliable map! Lost sight of remaining hobbits. But rest of company
chasing after said orcs, which means that's where the Ring must be. Regards.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Isengard?! No. Nooo!!! All of you return to headquarters immediately!
Witch-king, you head toward Isengard and intercept orcs.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Boss, went to Isengard like you said, but had to make sure beast got enough
grass, so unable to overtake orcs. Someone really trashed Isengard. Don't
think Saruman got the Ring, because otherwise he would have kept his place
from getting hosed, right? Anyway, it looks like Rohan won their battle
with Saruman the White, who is actually sporting more a tie-dye look these
days.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Mercy! I'll have to wage war to get this Ring back. You, Witch-king, go out
and attack anyone who looks like they might be wielding One Ring. I'm
thinking King of Rohan, since last time I checked he was Saruman's cabana boy.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Oh, hi Boss. It's No.2. Bit of bad news. A girl beheaded Witch-king's
beast. Good news is King of Rohan's horse killed him. Unlikely he had Ring,
like you said. But real bad news is Witch-king was stabbed in knee by a
hobbit, and then killed by the girl. I thought we couldn't die, because of
the rings you gave us. Is there something I should know? Oh yeah, you lost
the battle of Pelennor (probably just to fake 'em out, I'll bet). Anyway, I
guess this makes me No.1, right?
Sauron@Mordor.net
(Sigh). Sure, you can be No.1, if it makes you happy. Would you all just
circle the skies around Mordor, like at a really high altitude so you can't
be shot down? That would be just peachy. You Eight can do that, can't you?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Did what you said, Boss, flying high. Seems like 7,000 of the enemy are
marching toward the home office. Better back up the database, right?
Sauron@Mordor.net
Finally some good news. The captains of the West are pushing their luck.
One of them probably has the Ring, but hasn't mastered it. Circle above the
Black Gate.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Great news, Boss! Battle going great. They are completely surrounded.
You're a genius.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Fools! The One Ring!! It's at Mount Doom! Fly, fly I tell thee! Fly to
Mount Doom and grab the Ring before it's too late!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Mount Doom? That's a volcano. Isn't it pretty hot there?
Sauron@Mordor.net
Go to Mount Doom immediately! The Ring, get the Ring! Do it!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
OK, Boss, will do. Is the Ring INSIDE the volcano, or just near it? Well, I
suppose we'll find out when we get there. Wish us luck!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Boss, are you there? The volcano is erupting something fierce. No can find
Ring. Can't even sense its presence. Are you sure it's at Mount Doom?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Hey Boss, did you know that Mordor is crumbling? Boss?
