The Joke Thread

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby RK_Striker_JK_5 » Sun Apr 07, 2019 10:44 pm

Nutso wrote:A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'
Sending a written message, the captain replied:
'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.
One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'
Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'
'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'


She'll need all the ointment for that burn. :D
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Mon Apr 08, 2019 1:28 am

Nutso wrote:A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'
Sending a written message, the captain replied:
'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.
One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'
Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'
'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

Saw it coming, but it was still funny when it arrived... :D
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby IanKennedy » Mon Apr 08, 2019 10:53 am

I was expecting it to be women. :)
email, ergo spam
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Fri Apr 12, 2019 12:11 pm

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks!"
I said "Don't mention it."

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One says to the other "I think we got this joke wrong."

My wife tried to get me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's really heavy, but the other's a little lighter.

I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

My friend says to me "What rhymes with orange?" and I said "No it doesn't."

Why did the blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

I went bob-sleighing the other day. Killed 250 Bobs.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? An abracalabrador.

Jokes about communism aren't funny, unless everyone gets them.

How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

I got a job helping a one-armed typist do the capital letters. It's shift work.

Somebody stole all my anti-depressants. Well, I hope he's happy.

Somebody told me I was condescending. That means I talk down to people, by the way.

Guy walks into a bar and says "I want a fruit punch." Bartender says "If you want fruit punch you'll have to stand in the line." Guy looks around, but there is no punchline.

Ian says we have a gay guy in our circle of friends. I hope it's Todd, he's really sexy.

I forgot how to throw a boomerang. Then it came back to me.

At first I didn't like having a beard. Then it grew on me.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

Why don't ants get sick? Because they have little anty bodies!

I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician. And a Czech one two. A Czech one two.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.

What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.

What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

When you look really close, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

What's the difference between a dirty old bus station and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

Why aren't Koalas bears? Because they don't meet the koalafications!

A woman walks into a library and asks loudly if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says "Shhhh! They're right behind you!"

Two cows in a field. One says to the other "Do you ever worry about getting mad cow disease?" The other says "No, because I'm a helicopter!"

I for one, enjoy using Roman numerals.

When I was a child we had a sand box. It was actually a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

My dad convinced me to donate my organs after I die. He's a man after my own heart.

A dog walks off a construction site and into a bar and says "Hey, gimme a beer." The bartender says "Wow, a talking dog! You should get a job at the circus or something." The dog says "What, they need bricklayers there?"

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!

To the guy who stole my copy of MS Office. I will find you. You have my Word.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Sat Apr 13, 2019 2:36 am

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?
1GB.

If you ever feel your job is meaningless...
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"Y'know, one would have been enough."

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole...
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation.

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do:
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.

I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

My wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I smell is MOLASSES!"
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Mon Apr 15, 2019 8:47 pm

Batman and Robin are driving through Paris in the Batmobile. Batman points and says "What's that, Robin?"
Robin looks and says "Holy smoke, Batman!"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Tue May 21, 2019 12:37 pm

How many Game of Thrones plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.
Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Fri May 24, 2019 3:22 pm

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.

The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.
This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

317 days without sex...
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound...

Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do?
I will single handedly save the planet!

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"
That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve.
He says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Mon Jun 03, 2019 7:22 pm

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

You know the best part about dating a homeless woman? You can drop her off anywhere.

I was dating a homeless girl and I could tell it was getting serious when she asked me to move out with her.

I have a pen that can write underwater!
It can also write other words too.

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Wed Jul 31, 2019 12:04 am

So I was walking past the cemetery earlier and these two girls came up.
"Excuse me," they said, "we're a bit scared to walk past the cemetery at night, would you mind if we walked with you?"
"I don't mind at all," I said, and we started to walk past.
"Thanks so much for this," one of the girls said, "it's just so scary, the idea of ghosts and things. We're terrified of them."
"I can understand that," I said, "I felt the same way when I was alive."

Never seen women run so fast in all my life.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Thu Oct 10, 2019 4:57 pm

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.

I asked Siri why I was still single
She turned on the front camera

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
"Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times."

So china is making phones without Google apps now.
Guess it was always my way or the huawei.

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

Of all the bad things that are happening in China, one particular stands out.
Edit - Nothing bad is happening in China --- Everything is fine .-. There's no need to worry - people are happy ..- China is peaceful .-. with peaceful history .

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China.
He says he can't complain.

What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Tue Oct 15, 2019 9:55 pm

Told as a true story...


College is looking to appoint a junior professor. They narrow it down to two applicants and go through the interview process, both do well. As a kind of final test, they decided to take both guys out separately for a meal in a nice restaurant, so they can see how well they get on with everyone on a social basis.

First guy's turn. He turns up on time, nicely dressed, is polite and friendly, gets on with everyone. Then when he finishes his meal he casually picks up the plate and licks it clean. Just full on spends two or three minutes licking away until it was perfectly clean, and sets it down like it was the most natural thing in the world. Everyone sits there trying not to stare at him as they give each other 'can you believe that?' glances.

Second night. The boss is telling everyone this is pretty much just a formality right now. Second guy goes through the meal and again, he's polite, gets on with everyone, friendly sort. Acts as you'd expect. They get to the end of the meal and it's been a complete success.

Then the guy says "Oh, I've been meaning to ask you. What kind of policy does your college have with regards to staff dating and having sex with students? Is that a big deal here?"

The boss stares at him for about ten seconds and then looks around and says "So, suddenly licking plates seems like it's really not that big of a deal after all..."
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Sun Oct 20, 2019 9:00 pm

A woman's in the back seat of a taxi, heading for the airport. They're running a bit late, so she leans forward and gently taps the driver on the shoulder and says "Excuse me, could you tell me..."

The driver screams hysterically, yanking the steering wheel over to one side and sending the cab careening across three lanes of traffic. It narrowly misses a bus, bounces up over the curb, finally coming to a stop just three inches away from a storefront. The driver just sits there, trembling as he grips the steering wheel with white knuckles.

Finally he takes a deep breath and says "Are you okay? I'm sorry about that, but seriously, for a second there you absolutely terrified me!"

The passenger says "I'm sorry... I guess I offended you but I never realised a gentle tap on the shoulder could freak a person out so badly."

"Oh, well, it's kind of special circumstances," says the driver. "You see, this is my first day as a cab driver and I guess I haven't really adjusted my mindset yet."

"What did you used to do?" She asks.

"Um, well, for the last 20 years I drove a hearse..."
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