The Joke Thread

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Sun Feb 03, 2019 5:40 pm

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels.
Now you know who the best people are.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon.
The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently.
When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?”
He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

One day I'll pretend to be gay...
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it......
*BAMM!!*
... I'll fuck their boyfriends.

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.
First my granny dies, now this?

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but it’s rare.

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

My mom had colon cancer.
Now she has a semi-colon.
​She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised.
She doesn't take a lot of shit.

My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she wants to have sex with me.

My therapist told me to do what ever I set my mind too.
I think she wants me to kill myself.

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.
I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on their ships?
So that when they return, they can Scandinavian.
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Sat Feb 09, 2019 2:23 pm

Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands,
despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and orders a drink...
“Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied.
“Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”

When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...
They’re like “ooh I want to see it”
But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Mon Feb 11, 2019 2:53 am

I went to the Doctor for my test results. He said "Hey, I was just wondering, what's your star sign?"
I said "Um, Cancer."
"Oh," he said, glancing at my notes, "What a coincidence!"

------

Guy collapses in the street. A woman runs to help, looks around. "Is there a doctor here?"
A passer by stops. "I'm a doctor."
"Help him! He's having a heart attack!"
"Oh..." he says, "I'm a doctor of philosophy."
"But he's going to die!" She screams.
Guy smiles. "Well, if you think about it, we're all going to die..."

-----

"You want the good news or the bad news first?"
"Well... the good news please, Doctor."
"So, they're naming a disease after you!"
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Sat Feb 16, 2019 12:16 am

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Fri Mar 01, 2019 12:25 am

I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms.
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Mon Mar 04, 2019 9:33 pm

Please be aware!!! I ordered a Chinese takeaway last night from a local place (I won't name them) and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I even thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me!

I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ..

A Peeking Duck!
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Coalition » Tue Mar 05, 2019 12:51 am

Venison Food Festival - eat your hart out


Try blindfolded archery! You don't know what you're missing
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Fri Mar 08, 2019 3:21 am

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."

Dating a girl with an unvaccinated kid is like adopting an old dog. You feel like you're being a good person for accepting it, then you get attached and they die when they're 12.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
Finally, it got so bad that I had to take his bike away.

Dark humor jokes are like anti-vax kids.
They never get old.

Marvel's greatest villain is Thanos.
DC's greatest villain is Rotten Tomatoes.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Sun Mar 10, 2019 5:59 pm

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

A naked man walks into a tailor's shop.
The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that."
The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude....cut me some slacks."

“Mom? What’s dark humor?”
“Well son...you see that man with no arms sitting over there? Tell him to clap.”
“Mom! I’m blind.”
“Exactly.”

Dr. Frankenstein is experimenting with a new monster made with a cheese body.
It's Frankenstein's Muenster.

My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Tue Mar 19, 2019 1:29 pm

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal.
Elongate would be really drawn out.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Wed Mar 20, 2019 12:30 am

Nutso wrote:My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

:D
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Angharrad » Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:00 pm

Nutso wrote:A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"


I had to read this three times. :oops:
“You cannot play God then wash your hands of the things that you've created. Sooner or later, the day comes when you can't hide from the things that you've done anymore.”

And then Buffy staked Edward. The End.


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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Thu Mar 21, 2019 5:03 am

Angharrad wrote:
Nutso wrote:A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"


I had to read this three times. :oops:

Come now. How often do we use, read or hear the word "contractions" for anything other than giving birth? I ain't used the word "contractions" for grammar since I was seven.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Angharrad » Mon Mar 25, 2019 6:13 pm

Nutso wrote:
Angharrad wrote:
Nutso wrote:A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"


I had to read this three times. :oops:

Come now. How often do we use, read or hear the word "contractions" for anything other than giving birth? I ain't used the word "contractions" for grammar since I was seven.


True.
“You cannot play God then wash your hands of the things that you've created. Sooner or later, the day comes when you can't hide from the things that you've done anymore.”

And then Buffy staked Edward. The End.


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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Sun Apr 07, 2019 3:44 pm

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'
Sending a written message, the captain replied:
'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.
One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'
Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'
'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'
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