The Joke Thread

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Fri Aug 17, 2018 6:26 pm

What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.


A boy asks his mom, "Is it bad to have a penis?"
She says "No, why"
"Because Dad is upstairs trying to pull his off"
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Tue Aug 21, 2018 4:18 am

My friend Dave drowned.
At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

Without the Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.
We would have IX/XI instead

Why was C afraid of every other letter in the alphabet?
Because all the other letters were not-C’s

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.
Robin Hood: "HALT!"
"I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"
Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"
Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!"
Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest.
The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!"
"HALT!"
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Mikey » Tue Aug 21, 2018 8:12 pm

Actual, uncorrected answers from a Catholic school theology exam:

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD , WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TOMOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS .

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THEBATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THETOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
I can't stand nothing dull
I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
as Bull offed Custer
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby mwhittington » Wed Aug 22, 2018 8:34 pm

Mikey wrote:Actual, uncorrected answers from a Catholic school theology exam:

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD , WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TOMOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS .

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THEBATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THETOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

:bangwall: :bangwall: :bangwall: :bangwall: :bangwall: :bangwall: :bangwall: :bangwall: :bangwall: :bangwall: :bangwall:
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Sat Aug 25, 2018 9:32 pm

Current Turkish gallows humour: A prisoner goes to the prison library, asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author."
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Thu Sep 13, 2018 8:46 pm

Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.
Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.
In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
“It was so embarrassing. I couldn’t get it up no matter how hard I tried.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “ You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the fucking bed.”

I before E except after C
We feign agreeing, but this foreign poltergeist of a rule is neither efficient nor smart- and therein lies the height of the issue. It's as if an ancient deity has deigned to influence the zeitgeist of the people. We must remove the weight of this veil from their eyes, and forfeit the obeisance of this weird and heinous rule from our science and leisure alike.

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".
Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Coalition » Sun Sep 16, 2018 5:02 pm

Nutso wrote:I before E except after C
We feign agreeing, but this foreign poltergeist of a rule is neither efficient nor smart- and therein lies the height of the issue. It's as if an ancient deity has deigned to influence the zeitgeist of the people. We must remove the weight of this veil from their eyes, and forfeit the obeisance of this weird and heinous rule from our science and leisure alike.


I Before E:

Except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird.

Unless you leisurely deceive eight overweight heirs to forfeit their sovereign conceits

Except when you run a feisty heinous heist on a weird foreign neighbor's beige heifer

And always if eight beige reindeer overweight freight of neighbors in their sleigh and begin to neigh

*<:*)X
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Mon Sep 17, 2018 1:00 am

Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Wed Sep 19, 2018 10:29 pm

What's a Pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it would be "R" but, it's the "C" they love.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Wed Oct 03, 2018 4:48 am

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...
..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

"quatre-vingt dix neuf" translates to 4 x 20 + 10 + 9


Why was 10 traumatized?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

What's the worst thing to write in Braille?
"Caution: Hot surface."

A mom decides to clean her son's room.
Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband.
"What should we do about this?" she asks.
He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"

A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, " I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle!."

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Thu Oct 11, 2018 7:34 pm

If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet.


What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name.


I cry every time after sex.
I hate prison.


"Diana!" I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door...
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah, I know."
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Thu Oct 11, 2018 7:38 pm

Nutso wrote:If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet.


What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name.


I cry every time after sex.
I hate prison.


"Diana!" I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door...
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah, I know."

:D
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby RK_Striker_JK_5 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:35 pm

Nutso wrote:If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet.


What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name.


I cry every time after sex.
I hate prison.


"Diana!" I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door...
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah, I know."

Fuck it. I hate you, I'm laughing too hard at those. :D
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Fri Oct 12, 2018 9:57 pm

I bought a new thesaurus, but it's nothing to write house about.


Guy is walking around the red light district in Amsterdam and walks over to one of the windows.
He looks around, taps the glass and asks the girl: "How much?"
"50 euro's," says she.
He nods appreciatively and says: "That's not much for double glazing!"


Guy hires a Irish guy to paint his house.
He tells her, "The porch in back gets a lot of sun, so make sure it gets two coats of paint." Then he goes inside to take a nap.
The girl wakes him up, and says, "I'm done."
"Did you put two coats on the porch?" He asks.
The girl says, "I didn't see a Porsche, so I painted the Ferrari!"


I ordered a hands-free kit from Saudi Arabia. They sent an axe.


Angela Merkel is arrving in Poland for the EU First Ministers Conference. Going through customs, the immigration guy notices she hasn't completely filled in her form. Pointing to the blank space with his pen, he says, "Occupation?"
Angie replies, "Not this time. Just here for the two-day conference."



A duck walks into a bar;
Duck : "Got any bread?"
Barman : "No we don't serve bread."
Duck : "Got any bread?"
Barman : "NO!"
Duck : "Got any bread?"
Barman : "NO!!"
Duck : "Got any bread?"
Barman : "No! Now get lost before I nail you to the bar!"
(pause)
Duck : "Got any nails?"
Barman : "NO!!!"
Duck : "Got any bread?"


Last night I inadvertently swallowed some Scrabble tiles. I suppose my next visit to the loo could spell disaster!


Duck goes in to a shop. "Do you have any chapsticks?"
"Sure," says the guy. "How do you plan to pay for it?"
"Just put it on my bill!"



Deleted scene from Alien:
"I can't open the milk!"
"In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."


What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association.


Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the other… um, never mind.


I reached for a liquid Viagra bottle the other day and accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tipex. I woke up with a huge correction.


While watching Nigella Lawson's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."
"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."
"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"
"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."


Two old guys are playing golf. Beside the golf course is a cemetery. Just as they reach the green a funeral service starts across the wall. One of the two guys stands up from his putt, removes his hat and bows respectfully towards the coffin. The other guy says, 'wow, that was so respectful of you' and the first guy says 'well, it's the least I could do. We were married for 35 years, after all.'


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the matre d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai."


*<:*)X
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby RK_Striker_JK_5 » Sat Oct 13, 2018 5:07 pm

Graham Kennedy wrote:I bought a new thesaurus, but it's nothing to write house about.


Guy is walking around the red light district in Amsterdam and walks over to one of the windows.
He looks around, taps the glass and asks the girl: "How much?"
"50 euro's," says she.
He nods appreciatively and says: "That's not much for double glazing!"


Guy hires a Irish guy to paint his house.
He tells her, "The porch in back gets a lot of sun, so make sure it gets two coats of paint." Then he goes inside to take a nap.
The girl wakes him up, and says, "I'm done."
"Did you put two coats on the porch?" He asks.
The girl says, "I didn't see a Porsche, so I painted the Ferrari!"


I ordered a hands-free kit from Saudi Arabia. They sent an axe.


Angela Merkel is arrving in Poland for the EU First Ministers Conference. Going through customs, the immigration guy notices she hasn't completely filled in her form. Pointing to the blank space with his pen, he says, "Occupation?"
Angie replies, "Not this time. Just here for the two-day conference."



A duck walks into a bar;
Duck : "Got any bread?"
Barman : "No we don't serve bread."
Duck : "Got any bread?"
Barman : "NO!"
Duck : "Got any bread?"
Barman : "NO!!"
Duck : "Got any bread?"
Barman : "No! Now get lost before I nail you to the bar!"
(pause)
Duck : "Got any nails?"
Barman : "NO!!!"
Duck : "Got any bread?"


Last night I inadvertently swallowed some Scrabble tiles. I suppose my next visit to the loo could spell disaster!


Duck goes in to a shop. "Do you have any chapsticks?"
"Sure," says the guy. "How do you plan to pay for it?"
"Just put it on my bill!"



Deleted scene from Alien:
"I can't open the milk!"
"In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."


What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association.


Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the other… um, never mind.


I reached for a liquid Viagra bottle the other day and accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tipex. I woke up with a huge correction.


While watching Nigella Lawson's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."
"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."
"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"
"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."


Two old guys are playing golf. Beside the golf course is a cemetery. Just as they reach the green a funeral service starts across the wall. One of the two guys stands up from his putt, removes his hat and bows respectfully towards the coffin. The other guy says, 'wow, that was so respectful of you' and the first guy says 'well, it's the least I could do. We were married for 35 years, after all.'


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the matre d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai."


*<:*)X


That last one... :D :bangwall: :lol:
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