The Joke Thread

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Bryan Moore » Wed Apr 18, 2018 6:43 pm

Nutso wrote:Kahless was in fact not a Klingon.

He was Lingon.


ZING
Don't you hear my call, though you're many years away, don't you hear me calling you?
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Mikey » Wed Apr 18, 2018 8:34 pm

That one hurt.
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I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
as Bull offed Custer
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Sonic Glitch » Fri Apr 20, 2018 1:35 am

~~~

A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing, and telling political jokes. The fourth man desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, in frustration he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party.

Five minutes later, he bends to a power outlet: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the prankster finally gets to sleep.

The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge what happened to his companions.

"You don't need to know!" she answers.

"B-but...but what about me?" asks the terrified fellow.

"Oh, you...well...Comrade Major liked your tea gag a lot."
"All this has happened before --"
"But it doesn't have to happen again. Not if we make up our minds to change. Take a different path. Right here, right now."
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:47 pm

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Fri May 04, 2018 1:13 am

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were:

"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"



A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor

party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Thu May 24, 2018 2:06 pm

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do they do when a chemist dies? They barium!

Jokes about German sausages. They're the wurst!

A soldier was hit by mustard gas and then pepper spray. He's a seasoned veteran!

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid. But he claims he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it!

I watched the sunset and then stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.

A girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I've never met herbivore.

I read an awesome book about anti-gravity. I couldn't put it down!

I did a theatrical performance consisting entirely of puns. It was a play on words.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra...

Jokes about PMS just aren't funny. Period!

They took my class on a trip to a coca cola factory. Then they gave us a pop quiz.

I didn't like my stubble, but it grew on me!
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Mon Jul 09, 2018 1:48 am

My girlfriend told me I was immature. I told her to take her insults out of my cushion fort.

Women only call my ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, though, it's not very painful.

They say somebody is stabbed every 52 seconds in London. That poor man.

What would the Jetsons be called if they were black? The Jetsons, you racist!

I invented a new word yesterday : Plagiarism.

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking he would be faster. If anything, he's more sluggish.

How do you track down Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints!

A physicist sees a guy about to jump off the Empire state building. He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

It's impossible to lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, then what you've lost is just a pigeon.

How do you think the unthinkable? According to Mike Tyson, with an itheberg!
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Tue Jul 10, 2018 9:56 pm

After 3 years, the wife starts to think
that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, “Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Coalition » Tue Jul 10, 2018 11:52 pm

I went the restaurant the other day, and a couple women were talking near me.

One of them was talking about how she was sitting at a table with her husband , where they were relaxing, talking, and goofing off, when she suddenly accused him of cheating.

He of course denied that he was cheating, and started to think she had been wrong.

But then she found the letters he had hidden from her.

Yelling at him, she got up and walked off, saying she would never play Scrabble with him again.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Thu Jul 26, 2018 12:46 pm

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?"
The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…”
He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Thu Aug 09, 2018 6:17 pm

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. However, he can't stop thinking about the strange sound he heard. For years afterwards he would find his mind returning to it every now and again, and each time he would wonder what had caused that bewitching noise.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. Again, this means staying the night. And once again, in the night he hears the exact same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I absolutely HAVE to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct. Now you are a monk."

And the man says, "Can you please tell me that the strange sound was?"

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "the sound is behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He sees an inscription carved into the door which reads 'if you would have my key, answer this question : what is strength?'

"Do you know the answer?" say the monks.

"Yes," the man says. "True strength is not mental, but spiritual. Strength is the will to do your best, when all around you tells you that it is useless."

"This is a wise answer," say the monks, and give him the key.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. Inscribed upon it is an inscription which reads 'if you would have my key, answer this question : what is love?'

"Do you know the answer?" say the monks.

"Yes," the man says. "To love is to care about another more than you care about yourself. And to care about God above all."

"This is a wise answer," say the monks, and give him the key.

Behind the stone door is another door made of iron. Inscribed upon it is an inscription which reads 'if you would have my key, answer this question : what is honesty?'

"Do you know the answer?" say the monks.

"Yes," the man says. "To be honest is to be willing to accept the death of all you know and care about rather than compromising your own integrity.."

"This is a wise answer," say the monks, and give him the key.

Behind the iron door is another door made of silver. Inscribed upon it is an inscription which reads 'if you would have my key, answer this question : what is mercy?'

"Do you know the answer?" say the monks.

"Yes," the man says. "To be merciful is to stay your hand from justice, recognising that just because a person deserves punishment, that does not mean that you deserve to give it to them."

"This is a wise answer," say the monks, and give him the key.

Behind the silver door is another door made of gold. Inscribed upon it is an inscription which reads 'if you would have my key, answer this question : what is God?'

"Do you know the answer?" say the monks.

"No," the man says. "God is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end. But we are as flyspecks in the face of his magnificence, and we cannot comprehend him. No man knows the nature of God, and no man ever will."

"This truly is a humble answer," say the monks, "and the true test here was not one of your wisdom, but of your humility." And they give him the key.

The man unlocks the door. He is relieved to see that there are no more doors. His quest has finally ended.

There, in the room beyond the door, is the cause of the noise which has enchanted him so. And it is truly the most amazing and unbelievable sight he has ever seen.






But I can't tell you what it is. Because you're not a monk.

:lol:
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby RK_Striker_JK_5 » Mon Aug 13, 2018 2:22 am

How do you know I'm not a monk?
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:35 pm

RK_Striker_JK_5 wrote:How do you know I'm not a monk?

Instinct!
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Mon Aug 13, 2018 6:25 pm

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike.
I rode on, ruthlessly.


Here's the original poem: https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=oLU ... ly&f=false
Ruth rode in my new cycle car
In the seat in back of me:
I took a bump at fifty-five,
And rode on ruthlessly
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Tue Aug 14, 2018 3:31 pm

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other
Gluten tag
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