The Joke Thread

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Mikey » Sun Mar 18, 2018 11:53 pm

This via our old friend Granitehewer:

My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to give you an examination!"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Bryan Moore » Mon Mar 19, 2018 4:00 am

Mikey wrote:This via our old friend Granitehewer:

My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to give you an examination!"


LMAO. That one hits home...
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Thu Mar 22, 2018 1:04 am

Herpes. It's in Braille, but I can still read it.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:04 pm

There was a big country music festival in town, and a friend of mine went to a diner near the arena around 2AM. She saw Willie Nelson sitting alone drinking some coffee. She struck up a conversation with him, one thing led to another, and she ended up blowing him in the alley out back. After he finished she asked him where he was staying while he was in town. He said, "Right over there. Oh, by the way, I'm not Willie Nelson," as he crawled into a refrigerator box wedged between two dumpsters.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Coalition » Sat Mar 24, 2018 8:16 pm

If you know any rock puns, save them for Talk like a Pyrite day
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Sun Mar 25, 2018 2:45 am

Crime in skyscrapers. It's wrong on so many levels.

My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds, so I bought hundreds of copies of Goldfinger, Moonraker, and Skyfall.

I saw a documentary about how ships are held together. It was riveting!

Wherever my dad is, I know he's looking down on me. He’s not dead, just really condescending.

Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet. She didn’t succeed but she did leave a big crack in it.

You always know it's going to be a boring Crash Investigations episode when they open with an interview with the pilot.

I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads.'

Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high fives all the time?

If you don’t know what Morris dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up at gay pride and just tried to style it out.

Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?

If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Sun Mar 25, 2018 4:20 pm

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"


----------------------

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking one look at her, he returned to the instructor, threw down his gun and quit, saying, “I can’t do this.”

The next man went into the room and saw his own wife. He hesitated a moment, then he, too, resigned.

The third man took the gun and went into the room. The instructor heard six rapid shots, followed by screams, thuds, crashes, then silence. Then the door opened and out came the third agent all bloody, and his shirt in shreds.

He said to the instructor, “You idiot, you gave me blanks! I had to strangle her!”
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Mon Mar 26, 2018 12:46 am

One beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. I appreciate all that you have given me, but I’m just not happy”, Adam answers.

“Why is that, Adam”, God asks.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I have no one special to share it with and I’m lonely”, Adam explained to God.

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you”, God told him.

Perplexed, Adam asked, “What’s a woman, Lord?”

God replies, “This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without ever complaining. She will provide every sexual need and fantasy you will ever think of and meet all of your sexual needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”

“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”

“Not so fast,” said the Lord. “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”

“How much”, asked Adam.

“An arm and leg”, God replied.

Adam thought about this for a moment, then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Tue Mar 27, 2018 6:07 pm

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired. But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby IanKennedy » Wed Mar 28, 2018 9:37 am

In the UK that joke only works verbally. Tyres are things you put on cars :) Yes I know, those wacky Brits, they're just so colourful...
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Sat Apr 07, 2018 11:27 pm

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

Because he was far out, man...


How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. Ladder! I meant ladder!

That kind of thing is known as a Freudian slit. Slip! I meant slip!


How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!


It was hot the other day, so I bought a ceiling fan. He's rubbish, he just stands there going "Oh, it's so smooth and white!"


I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Bryan Moore » Sat Apr 07, 2018 11:40 pm

Graham Kennedy wrote:I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.


This one was great!
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Thu Apr 12, 2018 5:24 pm

Enter password: ‘snowflake’

Confirm password: ‘snowflake’

Error, your passwords are not alike
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Coalition » Fri Apr 13, 2018 3:27 am

I tried to use 'beefstew1' as my password, but the site said it wasn't stroganoff
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Wed Apr 18, 2018 6:41 pm

Kahless was in fact not a Klingon.

He was Lingon.
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