The Joke Thread

[Nutso]

[Mikey]

A tourist visits Australia and is interviewed by a customs agent there. The agent asks, "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

The tourist replies, "Is that still a requirement?"

[Nutso]

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon

[Nutso]

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

[Sonic Glitch]

Vladimir Putin is traveling to Hamburg for the G20 summit. At the boarder he is met by a Customs officer who asks: "Occupation?"

He replies, " No, just visiting."

[Nutso]

If Donald Trump wants to destroy North Korea,
Perhaps he should move there and become their leader.

[Nutso]

An Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

[T'Pau]

As told by Harrison Ford:

"A man walks out onto the ice, and cuts a hole so he can go fishing. He hears a booming voice from above say 'There are no fish under the ice'. The man looks around and sees no one.
The man moves down the ice about 20 feet, and cuts another hole. The same voice speaks again 'There are no fish under the ice'. The man still sees no one around him. So he moves down another 20 feet and cuts a third hole. The voice booms over him a third time 'There are no fish under the ice'. The man looks up and asks 'Are you God?'. The booming voice replies 'No, I'm the owner of the ice rink'"

[Nutso]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "

[Angharrad]

Could be a joke, or could be just how Brits pronounce the word...

We pronounce it just like the french do. Without the silly accent.

I JUST GOT THIS. Hee. I'll show myself out.

[IanKennedy]

- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

- Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

- I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

- Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.

- I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

- A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

- Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

- Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

- If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.

[IanKennedy]

- A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. “What’s your kid’s name?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,” says the lizard. “Because he’s my newt.”

- Why not go out on a limb? Isn’t that where all the fruit is?

- My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

- Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

- Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

- Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

- What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.

- I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

- A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”

- I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

- What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

- I told my mom I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

- What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!

- I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.

- What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1Forrest1

- I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

- Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

- Who was Socrates’ worst student? Mediocrities. Who was his busiest student? The one with a lot on his Plato

- Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

- When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she’d dye.

- Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

- I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

- Did you hear about the boy who tried to catch fog? He mist.

- What did the beach say as the tide came in?

- “How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”

- The thing I don’t like about shopping centers… When you see one, you’ve seen a mall.

- Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? – She was fed up with the hole business.

- Why did the gym close down? – It just didn’t work out.

- My ceiling isn’t the best… But it’s up there!!!

- Did you hear the news about that Chinese restaurant that got vandalized? It was an act of wonton destruction.

- 6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

- I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

- Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

- Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

- RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

- Why did the Zen master refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank — proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

Okay, you know what, Ian? I legit needed that laugh. Thanks.

[Angharrad]

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, " I am Steph Curry , the best NBA basketball player. The warriors and my millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane

The 2nd passenger , Donald Trump , said , " I am the newly elected US President , and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger , the Pope , said to the 4th passenger , a 10 year old schoolboy , " My son , I am old and don't have many years left , you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said , " That's okay , Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

[Graham Kennedy]

Found online

A STABLE GENIUS PRESIDENT
(With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan)

"I am the very model of a stable genius president
On Pennsylvania Ave you'll find I'm not a frequent resident
The Legislative Branch is something I can always circumvent
Colluding with the Russians was most certainly a non-event...

"I'm honored to reveal that I possess the greatest temperament
I didn't drain the swamp I just replaced it with a circus tent
And as for gorgeous women I can grab them all with no consent
And still give lots of tax breaks to my cronies in the one percent...

"I'm very good with signing things no one will ever implement
I have the best and biggest words but no clue what they represent
I'm going to build the biggest wall and make Mexico pay the rent
I am the very model of a stable genius president."