The Joke Thread

[Angharrad]

This isn't a joke really, but it is kind of funny if a bit gross.

Someone's been pooping on a Norwegian golf course for 10 years

Or it could be a joke. I don't know.

[Nutso]

[McAvoy]

That is a good one.

[Mikey]

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a cafe, conceiving ideas for Being and Nothingness. He beckons the waitress and asks for a cup of coffee with no cream. She answers, "I'm sorry, monsieur, we are out of cream. Can I get you a coffee with no milk instead?"

Entropy sure ain't what it used to be.

How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Have them pronounce "unionized."

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

Heisenberg, Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg says, "We're in a joke, but how do we tell if it's funny?"
Godel says, "We can't tell, because we're inside it."
Chomsky says, "It's funny, you're just telling it wrong."

Helium walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells helium that his bar doesn't serve noble gases. Helium doesn't react.

A programmer's wife tells him to go to the store for a loaf of bread. She adds, "If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

[Angharrad]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?"

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?"

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

We need more greeters like this.

[Graham Kennedy]

Man goes into a bar, and says "Barman, I want ten times more drinks than anybody else here!"
"Oh my, sir!" Says the Barman. "Now that is an order of magnitude!"

[Mikey]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are waiting at an obstetrician's office. They are chatting amiably and the brunette remarks, "I was on top when my baby was conceived, I'll bet I'm having a boy."

The redhead replies, "I was on the bottom... I guess I'm having a girl." Suddenly the blonde bursts into tears. The other two women try to console her and ask her what's wrong.

The blonde says through her sobs, "I'm going to have puppies!"

[mwhittington]

Three men are standing at the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter. He calls the first man up and says, " I have only one question: Have you ever cheated on your wife? "
"Absolutely not," the man says. "I've been faithful to my wife for over 50 years."
St. Peter replies, " Very good. You get to drive around heaven in this brand new Rolls Royce. "
St. Peter calls up the second man and asks him the same question.
"Well, to be honest, yes. It was only once, and I told my wife and she forgave me, and we were happily together ever since."
"Well, I do appreciate your honesty. You get to drive around heaven in this VW Beetle."
St. People calls the third man up and asks him the same question.
"Oh, St. Peter! I had such a problem staying faithful to my wife! I tried and tried to stay away from the ladies, but I just couldn't do it! I'm so sorry!"
"Well," says St. Peter, " at least you were honest. You get to ride around heaven on this bicycle. "
Later on, the second and third men see the first man in the Rolls Royce on the side of the road crying and sobbing his eyes out. They ask him what's wrong and he replies, "I just saw my late wife go by, and she was on a SKATEBOARD!

[Coalition]

If the Amazon warriors are going to have a duel of honor in the ceremonial stone circle, the wizard is not allowed to cast "Stone to Mud" to make it more entertaining.

[McAvoy]

If the Amazon warriors are going to have a duel of honor in the ceremonial stone circle, the wizard is not allowed to cast "Stone to Mud" to make it more entertaining.

Dont get it.

[Vic]

If the Amazon warriors are going to have a duel of honor in the ceremonial stone circle, the wizard is not allowed to cast "Stone to Mud" to make it more entertaining.

Dont get it.

Mud wrestling.......

[Mikey]

Q: What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
A: The flag is a big plus.

A guy told me he hadn't gone to the bathroom in 6 months. I told him he was full of shit.

[Mikey]

The new SAT test will focus much less on obscure vocabulary. A press release stated, "The abstruse vocabulary words of the SAT have engendered prodigious vexation in millions... the new SAT will be more trenchant and pellucid, and the format will no longer pertinaciously reward students who punctiliously engage in the antediluvian praxis of committing idiosyncratic words to memory."

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

The new SAT test will focus much less on obscure vocabulary. A press release stated, "The abstruse vocabulary words of the SAT have engendered prodigious vexation in millions... the new SAT will be more trenchant and pellucid, and the format will no longer pertinaciously reward students who punctiliously engage in the antediluvian praxis of committing idiosyncratic words to memory."

I'm not entirely sure why, but this one I find to be really funny.