My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels.
Now you know who the best people are.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon.
The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently.
When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?”
He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
One day I'll pretend to be gay...
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it......
*BAMM!!*
... I'll fuck their boyfriends.
Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.
First my granny dies, now this?
I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but it’s rare.
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
My mom had colon cancer.
Now she has a semi-colon.
She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised.
She doesn't take a lot of shit.
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she wants to have sex with me.
My therapist told me to do what ever I set my mind too.
I think she wants me to kill myself.
My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.
I guess she's used to most people just flushing.
Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on their ships?
So that when they return, they can Scandinavian.