The Joke Thread

[Nutso]

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels.
Now you know who the best people are.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon.
The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently.
When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?”
He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

One day I'll pretend to be gay...
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it......
*BAMM!!*
... I'll fuck their boyfriends.

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.
First my granny dies, now this?

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but it’s rare.

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

My mom had colon cancer.
Now she has a semi-colon.
​She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised.
She doesn't take a lot of shit.

My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she wants to have sex with me.

My therapist told me to do what ever I set my mind too.
I think she wants me to kill myself.

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.
I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on their ships?
So that when they return, they can Scandinavian.

[Nutso]

Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands,
despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and orders a drink...
“Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied.
“Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”

When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...
They’re like “ooh I want to see it”
But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.

[Graham Kennedy]

I went to the Doctor for my test results. He said "Hey, I was just wondering, what's your star sign?"
I said "Um, Cancer."
"Oh," he said, glancing at my notes, "What a coincidence!"

------

Guy collapses in the street. A woman runs to help, looks around. "Is there a doctor here?"
A passer by stops. "I'm a doctor."
"Help him! He's having a heart attack!"
"Oh..." he says, "I'm a doctor of philosophy."
"But he's going to die!" She screams.
Guy smiles. "Well, if you think about it, we're all going to die..."

-----

"You want the good news or the bad news first?"
"Well... the good news please, Doctor."
"So, they're naming a disease after you!"

[Nutso]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'