The Joke Thread

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Wed Nov 28, 2018 12:31 am

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside.
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees. The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"

If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive,
They eventually would.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on,
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad at me.
I told them it’s not my fault you don’t have windows.

A sea lion is just a regular seal missing an electron
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Sat Dec 08, 2018 8:38 pm

A good friend of mine died yesterday because we didn't know his blood type. He was delirious at the end, he kept mumbling "Be positive..." but I can tell you, it's going to be hard to do that without him.
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Tue Dec 11, 2018 4:30 am

I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels
Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.

A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years.
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree.
One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces.
The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...
She laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill the spider.

My wife apologised for the first time ever today.
She said she's sorry she ever married me.

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t “C” in the dark.

A husband whispers in his wife's ear at the bar "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!"
OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Marvin, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Communism jokes are not funny.
Unless everyone gets them.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Tue Dec 25, 2018 7:02 pm

I know global warming is bad...
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?

Whats the rudest type of elf?
A gofuckyourself.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...
There would be mass confusion.

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

Smoking will kill you...
Bacon will kill you...
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Fri Jan 11, 2019 3:59 pm

What's Commander Riker's favorite place in the galaxy?
Indiana.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Bryan Moore » Sat Jan 12, 2019 1:35 am

Nutso wrote:What's Commander Riker's favorite place in the galaxy?
Indiana.


YES!!!!
Don't you hear my call, though you're many years away, don't you hear me calling you?
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Coalition » Sat Jan 12, 2019 2:44 am

I got kicked out of the Horseman's restaurant for ordering a filly cheesesteak
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Nutso » Mon Jan 21, 2019 10:04 pm

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.

A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.
Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?
Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.
Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.
Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac.
Student: how about someone who is aroused by feces?
Prof: that’s not so common but I believe they call those people coprophiliacs.
Student: Wow, you know a lot. Ok, what about me? I’m aroused by sticking my junk into a bag of cashews. What would you call me?
Prof: well I’d say you’re fucking nuts.

I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall...
Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.

What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E.

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.
He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.
The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?"
"Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! "
"Are you religious? the doctor asks.
"Not at all," says the patient.
"Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can."
The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!"
"No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery.
To my horror they were right.
We had six matching balls.

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang.
I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Mikey » Thu Jan 24, 2019 10:36 pm

A hobo comes across a young woman preparing to jump off a cliff. “Hey,” he says, “ since you’re going to jump anyway, wanna have sex?”

The woman screams, “Get out of here, sicko!”

“Fine,” grumbles the hobo, “I’ll just wait at the bottom.”
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I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Graham Kennedy » Thu Jan 24, 2019 11:56 pm

Mikey wrote:A hobo comes across a young woman preparing to jump off a cliff. “Hey,” he says, “ since you’re going to jump anyway, wanna have sex?”

The woman screams, “Get out of here, sicko!”

“Fine,” grumbles the hobo, “I’ll just wait at the bottom.”

Oh man, that's twisted! I love it!
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Mikey » Fri Jan 25, 2019 12:16 am

twisted


Nice to meet you, I’m Mikey.
I can't stand nothing dull
I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
as Bull offed Custer
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby IanKennedy » Fri Jan 25, 2019 9:39 am

Donald Trump
email, ergo spam
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Mikey » Fri Jan 25, 2019 11:57 am

IanKennedy wrote:Donald Trump

That’s one hell of a joke.
I can't stand nothing dull
I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
as Bull offed Custer
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby IanKennedy » Fri Jan 25, 2019 12:25 pm

I thought it was quite rude actually :)
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Coalition » Sun Jan 27, 2019 6:21 am

Did you hear about the person who went to the horsemanship club, and asked for a filly Cheesesteak?


Or the lady who was in McDonald's yelling at the cashier? She had ordered 2 large fries, but they gave her a bunch of small ones


A lady at the Renaissance Festival was dressed up as a harp. I noticed that the outfit was quite revealing and mentioned that it seems rather small. So she asked me if I was calling her a lyre
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