The Joke Thread

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Mikey »

IanKennedy wrote:
Mikey wrote:Yeah, I got that. I was referring to Ian's jibe.
What jibe? I nearly answered your query about how it was pronounced.
Do you mean "merely?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

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What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Why did the boy fall off of his bike? Because someone threw a fridge at him.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? It got hit by the first koala.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.

Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree? Someone threw a fridge at it.

Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree? Thought it was a game and wanted to join in.

Why did the man die? Because he was hit by five koalas and a fridge.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Captain Seafort »

Nutso wrote:Why did the man die? Because he was hit by five koalas and a fridge.
Are you sure he wasn't hit by a brick as well?
Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe: Albert Einstein.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Nutso »

Captain Seafort wrote:
Nutso wrote:Why did the man die? Because he was hit by five koalas and a fridge.
Are you sure he wasn't hit by a brick as well?
Nah. Kangaroo put it in her pouch.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Nutso »

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I fucked up."

Credit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comm ... y/divxr9y/
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Mikey »

That was physically painful.
I can't stand nothing dull
I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Nutso »

Well, here's another long one for ya.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments ... _politics/
A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Coalition »

Did you hear about the guy that got fired from the calendar factory for taking a day off?

I tried to watch the origami world championship, but it was on paper view

Why is that lion wearing a suit? Narnia business


In D&D, an evil overlord had kidnapped people from a local village, and had tied them in a pit. Above them was a pendulum, which would kill all the villagers, men and women.

The Bard commented, "so you're saying it swings both ways?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Mikey »

Took my kids to the zoo today, but the only exhibit was a small pet dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
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I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
as Bull offed Custer
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Nutso »

List of Puns
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments ... t_of_puns/

For example
How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Graham Kennedy »

1. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

2. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

3. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

4. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said "Thanks."
I said "Don't mention it."

5. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

6. I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.

7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

8. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

9. My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

10. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

11. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is it one or two? One... or two?

12. What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.

13. So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

14. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.

15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

16. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

17. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

18. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

19. Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.

20. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

21. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

22. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said "40."

23. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.

24. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

25. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

26. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

27. Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

28. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
Aye matey.

29. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

30. What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people.

31. Knock Knock
Who's There?
Dishes
Dishes Who?
Dishes Sean Connery.

32. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"
The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"

33. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

34. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

35. A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
The bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line." The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

36. People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do!

37. My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

38. I've been told I'm condescending.
(that means I talk down to people)

39. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.

40. What's ET short for?
He's only got little legs.

41. Before your criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

42. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.

43. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

44. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

45. Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.
I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by IanKennedy »

A lot of those sound like Stewart Francis jokes. Love'em
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Mikey »

Understandably upset by the state of his administration, Trump visits Her Majesty for some advice. "How have you been successful for so long?" he asks.

"Simply said, Mr. President, you must surround yourself with people of intelligence," is the Queen's reply.

"But how will I know if my people are truly intelligent?"

"Pose a clever riddle, and see if your people can answer it properly. We will give you an example." Theresa May is summoned, whereupon the Queen asks her, "Your parents have a child, but you have neither brothers nor sisters. Who is the child?"

May promptly answers, "The child is me, Your Majesty."

"See?" says the Queen to Trump. "Easily done."

Excited to test out his new knowledge, Trump goes home and summons Mike Pence. "Mike," he says, "I need you to answer the following: if your parents have a child, but you don't have any brothers or sisters, who is the child?"

Pence is silent for a good while, then tells Trump that he'll do exhaustive research and get back to him within 48 hours. Pence begins canvassing anyone and everyone of whom he can think, all to no avail. Finally he comes across Hilary Clinton in a café and sits down with her. "Listen, Hilary," he says, "I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I am dying for some help." He explains the riddle, to which Clinton immediately says, "Easy, Mike. The child is me."

Thrilled, Pence jumps up and runs into the Oval Office. "Mr. President! Mr. President! I have it! The answer to your riddle! The answer is... Hilary Clinton!"

Trump's normally-orange cheeks begin to flush with rage. "No, you idiot! The answer is Theresa May!"
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I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
as Bull offed Custer
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Graham Kennedy »

:D
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Nutso »

An underage weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."
The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"
The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
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