The ultimate Trek showdown....

[Sionnach Glic]

Right. We've discussed the series themselves. We've discussed which ships would win in a direct fight. We've argued about which era was more competant. But let's get down to something we've never done before, and discuss the outcome of the ultimate Trek fight.

And what would that be?

A series of contests, between all the series' captains.

So we have Kirk, Picard, Sisko, Janeway, and Archer. They will all compete in the following marathon of events. Who will win at each events, why, and who will be crowned the ultimate Trek captain?

Round 1: All 5 captains are beamed down into the Colliseum, with nothing but their clothes and bare hands. The objective? Be the last captain standing. Who wins this ultimate fist-fight?
No one is allowed to leave the arena. If they do so, then they forfeit the match and lose.
Alliances are not allowed, this is a free for all.

Round 2: All 5 captains are beamed down to the forrest moon of Endor, just before Return of the Jedi. They are all given TNG era phaser rifles, and nothing else (just to make it clear: no tricorders). They are all spread out in a circle, a couple of kilometres between each person. At the centre of the circle in the middle of the forrest, there's a shuttle they can use to escape. Only one person can fit in the shuttle. Who will get through the forrest first, and who will be the one to escape in the shuttle? Shooting other captains is allowed. For the purposes of this round, Q has teleported all Imperials and Ewoks elsewhere, so they won't be interfering.
Alliances are allowed, but only one person can leave the planet.

Round 3: All five captains are beamed down onto a narrow ledge overlooking a giant sea of jelly. They are all armed with giant Q-tips. Who will be the last captain standing, and avoid being thrown into the jelly?
Alliances are not allowed. This is a free for all.

Round 4: All 5 captains are beamed down into a pub in the middle of Dublin City. Several large pints of Guiness are placed down in front of them. Who will be the last captain standing, and drink his/her opponents under the table?

Round 5: All 5 captains are given command of an Excelsior class starship, each populated with a full crew. Also, their senior officers (IE, in Kirk's case, Spock, Scotty, McCoy, Chekov, etc) will also be beamed onto the ships to take up their own roles. Their orders are simply: blow the enemy ships out of existance.
Alliances are not allowed, this is a free for all.
Warp drives have been disabled for the purposes of this battle, so no running away.

So, who wins what? And who gets the title of Ultimate Trek Captain?

[Graham Kennedy]

Take a look at my avatar. That's Kirk after he roundly kicks the ass of every other captain in the competition, has sex with all the hot alien babes around, records a new album of what can only loosely be called music, and beams back up to the Enterprise in time for cornflakes.

[Captain Picard's Hair]

Of the other Captains, only Sisko is on par with Kirk physically. Picard is too old, Janeway a relatively fit woman, but a woman, and Archer's a big puss. In any event, nobody else is THE KIRK, who eats religious nutjobs for breakfast. Kirk could talk the Prophets into disavowing Sisko.

[Captain Seafort]

Round 1: All 5 captains are beamed down into the Colliseum, with nothing but their clothes and bare hands. The objective? Be the last captain standing. Who wins this ultimate fist-fight?
No one is allowed to leave the arena. If they do so, then they forfeit the match and lose.

Does anyone really need to answer this one?

Kirk. By a mile.

Round 2: All 5 captains are beamed down to the forrest moon of Endor, just before Return of the Jedi. They are all given TNG era phaser rifles, and nothing else (just to make it clear: no tricorders). They are all spread out in a circle, a couple of kilometres between each person. At the centre of the circle in the middle of the forrest, there's a shuttle they can use to escape. Only one person can fit in the shuttle. Who will get through the forrest first, and who will be the one to escape in the shuttle? Shooting other captains is allowed. For the purposes of this round, Q has teleported all Imperials and Ewoks elsewhere, so they won't be interfering.
Alliances are allowed, but only one person can leave the planet.

Sisko - he's got experience in using the weapon at hand, and is a veteran of the Dominion War, including several ground engagements. Kirk would be a close second, but his ground combat experience is limited to punch-ups and ambushed away teams, and he's used to a far better designed weapon.

Round 3: All five captains are beamed down onto a narrow ledge overlooking a giant sea of jelly. They are all armed with giant Q-tips. Who will be the last captain standing, and avoid being thrown into the jelly?
Alliances are not allowed. This is a free for all.

Effectively a re-run of round round 1, so Kirk again.

Round 4: All 5 captains are beamed down into a pub in the middle of Dublin City. Several large pints of Guiness are placed down in front of them. Who will be the last captain standing, and drink his/her opponents under the table?

Picard - note the way he knocked back his drink when he and Scotty were reminiscing in "Relics", a drink that apparently had "a real kick" even by Scotty's standards. Plus he was the one who'd given Guinan the bottle of whatever it was in the first place

Round 5: All 5 captains are given command of an Excelsior class starship, each populated with a full crew. Also, their senior officers (IE, in Kirk's case, Spock, Scotty, McCoy, Chekov, etc) will also be beamed onto the ships to take up their own roles. Their orders are simply: blow the enemy ships out of existance.
Alliances are not allowed, this is a free for all.
Warp drives have been disabled for the purposes of this battle, so no running away.

Kirk, closely followed by Sisko. Those two have the most combat experience of the lot, by a country mile, and Kirk has more experience in one-on-one's, while Sisko's more used to having a fleet in support.

Conclusion:

Kirk: 3
Picard: 1
Sisko: 1
Janeway: 0
Archer: 0

Kirk takes it.

[Mikey]

round 1: Kirk. No contest. BTW, his shirt will be gone by 2 minutes in.

round 2: Sisko, for the same reasons as Seafort gave. However, Archer will be a close second with his ability to get his butt kicked regularly and still be able to get out of scrapes.

round 3: Kirk, again. In addition to being a seasoned fighter hand-to-hand and with improvised weapons, he'll give a guy a shot to the pills if he has to.

round 4: *surprise twist* Janeway. It's in her genes.

round 5: I agree with Seafort about Kirk's ability; Sisko has done well in command of fleets and sub-fleets, but I didn't see anything extraordinary about his ship-to-ship skills. Truth to tell, I have to give this one to Picard - he can be innovative, and has an edge in experience.

totals -
Kirk: 2
Picard: 1
Sisko: 1
Janeway: 1
Archer: 0

Kirk-ness prevails.

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

Contest one-Kirk wins. He was the man in fistfights.

Contest two: Again, Kirk. Remember 'Arena'? He'll use the terrain/resources to his advantage.

Contest Three: Kirk. As stated, basically round one, but narrower

Contest Four: Picard. He could hold his own with Scotty. And grew up in a wineyard, to boot.

Contes Five: Kirk. More experience than the others except Sisko, and knows that era's ships.

Oh, is the 'Amok Time' fight theme playing in the background?

[Thorin]

Round 1 - Kirk, no question
Round 2 - Picard, "There are 4 lights", definitely got the mental toughness and is a pretty good shot
Round 3 - Sisko, he seemed to have the most brute strength
Round 4 - Picard, vineyard/whiskey
Round 5 - Picard, his experience in pretty much everything would take him through easily

Picard's experience in combat should see him well past Sisko and Kirk - he had many years on them both. And everything Sisko did in the Dominion war, I bet Picard did more - being on the flag ship 'n' all.

[mlsnoopy]

1.
Sisko. He knocked out a few klingons and jam'hadars. Kirk close second

2.
Picard he's the only one with special forces training.

3.
Kirk.

4.
Picard.

5.
Why is there no warp drive. Don't agree with the rules.
Picard manuver would tip the scale in Picards favor.

So
Picard 3
Kirk and Sisko 1

[Mikey]

2.
Picard he's the only one with special forces training.

huh?

[mlsnoopy]

2.
Picard he's the only one with special forces training.

huh?

Chain of command.

[Thorin]

I think Picard could even be in with a shout of the fighting ones - he beat a few Nausicaans when he was stabbed, and regularly won wrestling matches, as well as winning the marathon as a freshman.

[Aaron]

Being used as special forces does not indicate special forces training. To my knowledge we've never seen anything resembling special forces in Trek, at least not from the Federation. This would of course be rectified in Andromeda with Hunt being a special forces ubermensch who becomes a Captain.

[Aaron]

I think Picard could even be in with a shout of the fighting ones - he beat a few Nausicaans when he was stabbed, and regularly won wrestling matches, as well as winning the marathon as a freshman.

He's in his bloody sixties at least now, the guy would have to work out and train half the day away to compete with Kirk or Sisko. I don't think his fencing workout is going to cut it with a guy 30 years his junior.

[Thorin]

I think Picard could even be in with a shout of the fighting ones - he beat a few Nausicaans when he was stabbed, and regularly won wrestling matches, as well as winning the marathon as a freshman.

He's in his bloody sixties at least now, the guy would have to work out and train half the day away to compete with Kirk or Sisko. I don't think his fencing workout is going to cut it with a guy 30 years his junior.

Depends when it's set, really. In Nemesis he beat some guys on the Scimitar by whacking them, didn't he? I agree on the whole Kirk would be a better fighter, but I think that Picard is still very fit. Remember that while 85 may be an average lifespan today, making a 70 year old pretty old, in TNG it's probably closer to 125, making a 60 or 70 year old relatively middle-aged.

[Mikey]

2.
Picard he's the only one with special forces training.

huh?

Chain of command.

Oh, that. He was USED as special forces, but we have no indication - including his performance - that he ever had any special forces TRAINING.