Page out of my book

Show us your fanfic, original stories, poems, etc
Post Reply
Monroe
Rear Admiral
Rear Admiral
Posts: 5837
Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2007 3:17 am

Page out of my book

Post by Monroe »

This is a book I've been working on for over three years, and unlike some people (thinking of a certain family member of mine) who start a book and then work on it for 15 years and get no where my older brother and I have progressed nonstop the three years.
.


--------------------------------------------------

Don't worry there's like 60 pages of character development before this. I can't go into too much detail on it yet but since there's nothing really fancy about a battle I figured I'd post and see what you guys think.
Last edited by Monroe on Thu Jun 03, 2010 7:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Mikey
Fleet Admiral
Fleet Admiral
Posts: 35635
Joined: Fri Jul 27, 2007 3:04 am
Commendations: The Daystrom Award
Location: down the shore, New Jersey, USA
Contact:

Post by Mikey »

Hmm... very vivid - in a good way. You mentioned "Greek" for Okin - but, despite the Gallic names, I would have guessed Roman, becuase nobody else used a pilum, as you described here:
the soft metal of the spear shaft bent in a way that drugged the shield down into a unwieldy device causing the men to soon discard it.
And you mention "knights," which implies equestrian troops, but neither Greeks nor Romans used cavalry much - the Romans had a small cavalry force, but it was certainly not a main battle force. I may be taking the idea that you based your cultures on real-world examples too far or too literally, however.

All in all, after reading this, I'd certainly be willing to read more. Trust me - from me, that's a high compliment.
I can't stand nothing dull
I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
as Bull offed Custer
User avatar
Deepcrush
4 Star Admiral
4 Star Admiral
Posts: 18917
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2007 8:15 pm
Location: Arnold, Maryland, USA

Post by Deepcrush »

I love it! But I do love the bloodshed for most everything! You have peaked my interest.
Jinsei wa cho no yume, shi no tsubasa no bitodesu
Monroe
Rear Admiral
Rear Admiral
Posts: 5837
Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2007 3:17 am

Post by Monroe »

Mikey wrote:Hmm... very vivid - in a good way. You mentioned "Greek" for Okin - but, despite the Gallic names, I would have guessed Roman, becuase nobody else used a pilum, as you described here:
the soft metal of the spear shaft bent in a way that drugged the shield down into a unwieldy device causing the men to soon discard it.
And you mention "knights," which implies equestrian troops, but neither Greeks nor Romans used cavalry much - the Romans had a small cavalry force, but it was certainly not a main battle force. I may be taking the idea that you based your cultures on real-world examples too far or too literally, however.

All in all, after reading this, I'd certainly be willing to read more. Trust me - from me, that's a high compliment.

Oh the Greeks and Okin are different. They're allies... kind of. The Greeks were one of the seven original houses of the Okin but were exiled 600 years ago. In the last fifteen years the Okin have made a client state out of the Greeks.

I suppose I could change the Knights into just armored house back men and stay away from that word.

And thanks for the compliments :)
I'm hoping to have the first draft completely done by this summer and by the next fall I'll hopefully be trying to get it published.
Sionnach Glic
4 Star Admiral
4 Star Admiral
Posts: 26014
Joined: Fri Jul 13, 2007 10:58 pm
Location: Poblacht na hÉireann, Baile Átha Cliath

Post by Sionnach Glic »

Cool, I look forward to reading more. :)
"You've all been selected for this mission because you each have a special skill. Professor Hawking, John Leslie, Phil Neville, the Wu-Tang Clan, Usher, the Sugar Puffs Monster and Daniel Day-Lewis! Welcome to Operation MindFuck!"
Mikey
Fleet Admiral
Fleet Admiral
Posts: 35635
Joined: Fri Jul 27, 2007 3:04 am
Commendations: The Daystrom Award
Location: down the shore, New Jersey, USA
Contact:

Post by Mikey »

I suppose I could change the Knights into just armored house back men and stay away from that word.
I don't think you have to - if they are in fact an elite mounted force. I was just taking the analogy to real-life cultures a bit too far.
I can't stand nothing dull
I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
as Bull offed Custer
User avatar
Deepcrush
4 Star Admiral
4 Star Admiral
Posts: 18917
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2007 8:15 pm
Location: Arnold, Maryland, USA

Post by Deepcrush »

Knights are different from place to place, time to time. So, you're a writer aren't you? So make something up! It doesn't have to be history, just keep it somewhat close.
Jinsei wa cho no yume, shi no tsubasa no bitodesu
Monroe
Rear Admiral
Rear Admiral
Posts: 5837
Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2007 3:17 am

Post by Monroe »

Deepcrush wrote:Knights are different from place to place, time to time. So, you're a writer aren't you? So make something up! It doesn't have to be history, just keep it somewhat close.
Well the real elite mounted troops are called Templar. Knights in this world are a step below them.
User avatar
Deepcrush
4 Star Admiral
4 Star Admiral
Posts: 18917
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2007 8:15 pm
Location: Arnold, Maryland, USA

Post by Deepcrush »

Well there you go.
Jinsei wa cho no yume, shi no tsubasa no bitodesu
User avatar
Deepcrush
4 Star Admiral
4 Star Admiral
Posts: 18917
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2007 8:15 pm
Location: Arnold, Maryland, USA

Post by Deepcrush »

Well there you go.
Jinsei wa cho no yume, shi no tsubasa no bitodesu
Monroe
Rear Admiral
Rear Admiral
Posts: 5837
Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2007 3:17 am

Re: Page out of my book

Post by Monroe »

So not to necro bump this but just wanted to give everyone a heads up. I'm nearly done with the first draft. Once I get it copy writed I'll be happy to give copies of it to anyone who wants for feed back before I attempt to get it published.

Oh and I came up with Nadir as the name of the medieval people in the story. I really like that name :D
How many Minbari does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They always surrender right before they finish the job and never tell you why.

-Remain Star Trek-
Post Reply