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You get the feeling that someone just said, "Don't look at the camera"....
Kirk: Remind us to never cheese off Liam Neeson again.
Kirk: "Bones... what do you think."
Bones: "Pretty clear... She's dead, Jim."
Kirk: "Little harsh there."
Bones: "What the hell were you were expecting, they're ALL dead, Jim."
Kirk: I asked her "Is this really the hill you want to die on?” , and she assured me that it was.
Kirk: So, Spock, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Kirk: I don’t think she is actually a dalmatian.
Spock and Bones: huh?
Kirk: "Bones... um... over here."
Bones: "But look at that one over there..."
Kirk: "Bones, how 'bout the patient right here."
Bones: "But she's almost dead... and that one over there is just so... alive!"
Kirk: "Good point."
Kirk: Mr. Spock, please make a note that the the fish has gone bad. Have it all locked away until we return to base. Bones, you don't look to good.
McCoy: I had the fish for lunch.
Bones: We have to find out what happened here
Kirk: I know what happened. I've seen it once before. Gentlemen, what we have here is the aftermath of the dreaded Vulcan Death Fart.
Bones: Really Jim, couldn't take it anymore and had to say it. How long have you been wanting for the chance to say it..
Kirk: A long time, Bones. A long time.
An excellent haul for this year's Starfleet Zombie Hunt
Though some freak spatial anomaly these people got a taste of Chicago's winter weather. It didn't end well
"No wonder the killed themselves, this cassette recorder is playing 'The Ballad Of Bilbo Baggins' constantly. Spock ... why?"
"Simply? The repeat fees."
Kirk: "Only one play of my cassette tape of 'Tiptoe through the Tulips' and this happened!
McCoy: "I'm a doctor, Jim, not a music critic!"
Spock: "Fascinating. Tiny Tim is well respected on Vulcan!"
Kirk: "I told them that founding a colony on Murderdeathlethalus IV was a rather foolish idea..."
(Thinking) If I have to lie here while Shatner screws up yet another take then I'm gonna punch his lights out.
Spock: "So, shooting people with a phaser apparently kills them."
Kirk: "Who would have thought?"
McCpy: "Told you so."
"Stampeded by fangirls rushing after Hipster Spock."
"Fascinating."
Kirk: "Uh... Dies anybody happen to have new batteries for my tricorder?"
McCoy: "I told you to take Duracells!"
"I'm Sherrif John Bunnell, and tonight, on World Wildest Police Videos, we see a group of armed thugs pillaging the bodies of the innocent civilians they've just massacred. Due to the nature of the ham acting in this episode, viewer discretion is advised."
CSI: Star Trek
Kirk : Looks like the Walking Dead party was a little overboard on the dead part !!
Damn it Bones !!!! This woman has been Cupped to death !!
Jim,this place reminds me of your quarters on a Sunday Morning....
Kirk:"Strange... All these people have DNA of an ungulate spliced into their genes..."
Spock: "Which ungulate?"
Kirk: "The fainting goat..."
Bones: "They are all dead."
Spock: "Well Captain, in this case there is only one logical way to proceed..."
Kirk: "Get back to the Enterprise immediately, jump to warp, and deny that we were ever here...?"
"This place is even more dead than Accrington on a Tuesday night in January."
They arrived at the dead centre of the galaxy.
"The tricorder says it's Novichok."
"We must be in Salisbury then."
This is the planet where all the dead extras go.
"I don't know where we are, but with the number of dead bodies around here, I think we have stumbled on an episode of Midsomer Murders."
(offscreen) "Hey, you. Get off my crime scene!"
"But Bones..."
"No, Jim. It doesn't matter how much you play with that tricorder. This is NOT Frankie Chestnuts!"
"But..."
"Or The Geek, or Mr President, or Bird of Prey, or ANY of the DITL captioneers."
"What about Chromedome?"
"NO! The clue is in the name. He's bald!"
"So, Miss Marple? Spock, analysis?"
"Probability is negligible. But given the number of dead bodies, she would be most helpful."
"Bones, how was I to know the VD would mutate and kill them all?"
"Jim, don't you know ANYTHING about safe sex?"
Bones: "Something... very dangerous was here."
Kirk: "Gee, you think!?"
Dammit, Bones. I told you the shipwide kickball tournament was getting out of hand!
Kirk: "Really, Bones? Asking for directions is your suggestion? On a planet where everyone is dead? Spock, tell him how illogical that is."
Kirk: "Look Bones, I am very sorry that I called you a hillbilly quack. And now please go back to performing your duty and find out what happened to this woman."
Kirk: "Seriously, Bones? 'They are just sleeping'!? I know zero about medical stuff, and even *I* can tell that they are all as dead as dodos!"
"It's worse than that ... it's Brexit, Jim!"
Kirk: "Crud we are too late for this party. It's literally dead already."
"Jim, I know you use Lynx Africa deodorant because you think it attracts women, but I think you've overdone it this time."
Through the stench of dead corpses came something strange ... the smell of Lynx Africa!
"Strange. She's been stoned to death ... with polystyrene rocks!"
Kirk: "Why do we even have you aboard, Bones? You have been exposed! The tricorder does all the work for you! Look, I scanned her, and the display literally says: 'She is dead, Jim!'"
Kirk: "She is dead, Bones."
McCoy: "On second thought, let's keep doing it the other way around. It just sounds catchier that way."
Kirk: "He is dead, Bones."
McCoy: "On second thought, let's keep doing it the other way around. It just sounds catchier that way."
Kirk : Damn it ! What caused this ??!!!
Bones : Jim ! It could be the Flying Purple People Eater !!!
Spock : We are being watched . My Phaser is ready.
"C'mon Bones, pay attention and try to look concerned."
"You Gorn bastards, you've killed my sister."
"No, she doesn't have the winning lottery ticket either."
The actress is glad she isn't lying the other way or she'd have a close up of Shatner's crotch.
"It's no use hiding behind the girl ... she only stops 5 points of damage ..."
(offscreen there is the rattle of RPG dice rolling)
"So this is what happens when Tribbles go bad!"
Trade negotiations were slow on planet narcolepsy.
Kirk: "Hey, this isn't my tricorder! This is just a cassette tape player!"
Kirk, to self: Have I lowered my dating expectations TOO much?
Kirk: According to the tricorder, technically she can be CONSIDERED as wearing a red shirt, but nothing else here makes any sense.
Bones, to self: ...this reminds me of my childhood... -Except there's more to eat here.
Bones: Well Captain, if you are REALLY hungry, I'm sure no one's going to miss her... Remember, Spock's a vegetarian.
Spock: I am not hungry.
"Bones, according to these tricorder readings, she burned dinner..."
Kirk: "Well, I guess I am just that drop dead gorgeous..."
Kirk: "That's strange... They are all dead, yet none of them wears a red shirt..."
Kirk : Bones ! Why does this tricorder keep displaying M-5 Was Here ????
Bones Thinking : OMG !!! Daystrums Engrams have gotten loose !!!!
BONES !!! ; These wounds are consistent with a phaser blast from 30 yards !!! There from a Type 2 Phaser !!
SPOCK : Wasn't me .
Kirk: "What is it with people having nasty skin conditions in the caption competition pictures recently...?"
Kirk:"See, with this new program in our tricorders, we will find out who the killer was in no time. You could say that it is... a killer app!"
"Oh my, this is terrible! The Cubs lost again!"
"Well gentlemen, the Mexican border is safe once again, our work here is done."
Bones: Looks to me like she died of space herpes.
Kirk: Oh, crap!...Uh, I mean, that's a shame. By the way, is space herpes curable, and do we have the cure aboard?
Bones: Jim, you can only get space herpes through...*sighs* Not again, Jim!
Kirk: "Great. First that planet with the horned albino gorillas, and now we are on one where people get attacked by a land octopus."
Kirk : She's dead Bones !
McCoy : That's unfair...
Spock : Do you know her ?
McCoy : What ? Oh no... It's... It's... It's my catchphrase !
Kirk: I think she did a little too much LDS.
Bones: "LDS"?
MCCoy: "I TOLD you that because of her medical history, she won't survive long here on Glutenia V!
Kirk : Bones ! What happened here ??
Bones : Jim .... I .... Think .. I hope I'm wrong but , I think Meryl Streep was here !!!
Spock : My Phaser is set on KILL !
(voiceover): "This week on Star Trek: Captain Kirk spends 10 minutes mansplaining a medical tricorder to a Doctor."
Bones: "She's dead, Jim."
Kirk: "Oh, hoo, hoo, look who knows so much! It just so happens that your friend here is mostly dead! Mostly dead means slightly alive. If she were all dead, there would only be one thing to do."
Bones: "And what is that?"
Kirk: "Go through her pockets and look for loose change!"
Spock: "I should have listened to my father..."
Each thinking: She took the "brown acid".
Bones: "Curious case, Jim... swollen lymph node(s)... purple spots... epistaxis... I am really stumped."
Spock: "Perhaps this arrow in her back will help with your diagnosis."
Bones: "I don't need to see the Tricorder... She's a space hippie and she drank the grape Kool-Aid."
Kirk: "But it appears she isn't dead..."
Bones: "...no need to look... Grape Kool-Aid."
Bones: “I’ve seen worse...”
Spock: “Doctor, it is apparent that the patient is dead.”
Bones: “Like I said... I’ve seen worse.”
Bones: I don't understand... none of the people are wearing red.
Bones: She went up to 11, and then she died.
Kirk: So THAT'S why we usually only go up to 10...
Bones: She's fallen Jim, and she can't get up.
"She's acting Jim, but not as we know it!"
Kirk: "Strange, I can't find her name in my little black book ... I mean tricorder."
"Set your acting level to ... HAM!"
Our heroes survey the aftermath of one of the worst battles ever fought: "Star Trek: Discovery" fans vs "The Orville" fans.
Kirk: "According to the tricorder, she finds me irresistible."
Bones: "Please give me my tricorder, Jim..."
Spock: "Captain I must also point out the tricorder is currently deactivated."
Kirk, "I swear she was like this when I found her!"
Bones: "(sigh) I'll get the cream."
Spock: "I shall contact your attorney, Captain."
Kirk: "I'll have you know I had nothing to do with this."
Bones: "Right. Just like you had nothing to do with Lt. Palamas."
Spock: "Or your position of non-involvement with Edith Keeler."
Bones: "Or, do you remembe..."
Kirk: "THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN."

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Copyright Graham Kennedy Page views : 44,861 Release date : 1 Feb 2019