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| Name | Caption |
| Bird of Prey | Archers: ''Are you Klingons born with foreheads like this?'' Klingon: ''No. We just have a lot of low door frames on Qo'noS.'' |
| Name | Caption |
| Frankie Chestnuts | Archer: "Crewman... Please put that weapon away... It's just a tad intimidating,.. To me... Just a little... A little intimidating... To me... Just a little." |
| Frankie Chestnuts | Crewman: "Captain... It doesn't count as an actual date if you capture your date at gunpoint and then restrain her." Archer: "Fine... Put that gun away and let's see if that loosens her up a bit." |
| DBB | Archer: I almost wore that same outfit. Klingon: That would have been embarrassing. Archer: Yes. Klingon: One of us would have had to change. |
| Frankie Chestnuts | Ten seconds before Archer gets the crap beat out of himself... . Again." |
| Miss Marple | Captain: You said you could "take us both" with one hand tied behind your back... we're gonna start you off with two hands. |
| Mikey | "I'll never talk! Never! Even if you klept me strapped down to this table, and, umm, used those clamps on me! Ooh, yeah, and then, umm, spanked me... or even if we did some pony play! And then you told me what you want for breakfast! Wait, was that out loud?" |
| Bird of Prey | Klingon: ''Hey, what are you staring at? My eyes are up here!'' Archer: ''But they are so scary!'' |
| Frankie Chestnuts | Bu'Kah: "What is the significance of the gold stripe? Archer: "The gold indicates that I'm a member of the Command team of the ship." Bu'Kah: "And his red stripe?" Archer: "The red indicates that he won't be in the next scene. And probably any of the following ones." |
| AJ | You know, on earth we have these old stories about humans being abducted by aliens and having all kinds of probes stabbed into them. Guess what? It's payback time. |
| Cyrus Ramsay | ...and baby Captain said, "Someone's still sleeping in MY bed." |
| Chromedome | "Do not panic. He is here to execute you because your medical insurance has run out. Sorry. Sign here please." |
| AdmiralM | I'm not a dentist I'm just a dental moniter. |
| Bird of Prey | Klingon: ''I will never tell you any secrets about Klingon technology!'' Archer: ''Can you at least tell me what shampoo you are using? Your hair looks wonderful!'' |
| Frankie Chestnuts | Archer: "OK... I'm all done. Let me get a mirror for you to see the finished product. [quietly] Crewman, standby. I'm not sure if she't going to like this haircut, I got a bit overzealous on the back." |
| Frankie Chestnuts | Crewman: "OK, folks. We went over the rules in the back. Protect yourself at all times, let's have a clean fight, no hits below the belt. Touch gloves, back to your corners. Wait for the bell and come out fighting." |
| Frankie Chestnuts | Archer: "A DOG!! Short little guy... Four legs... Hairy... Floppy ears... Doesn't say much. HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?" Bu'Kah: "I don't know what you are taking about." [Under breath]: "burp". |
| Frankie Chestnuts | Archer: "Who are you?" Bu'Kah: "I am Bu'Kah... of the house of Ka'Nook." Archer: Ah-Ha! You're Canadian. NOW we're getting somewhere!" |
| Miss Marple | Archer: Crewman, why are you laughing? Crewman: … She said her name was “Ruffles” … and she has ... RIDGES!!! |
| Franky Chestnuts | Klingon: "Let me go!" Archer: "Not on your nellie!" Klingon: "Why not?" Archer: "We're going to cling on to you for a while" Klingon: "Kerplunk" |
| Bird of Prey | Archer: ''Really, you are the female of your species??'' Klingon: ''Really, you are NOT the female of your species??'' |
| RogueSkyknight | Klingon: 'Probe' me all you want, Captain. You'll never get my secrets! Archer: ...That's not something we actually do. Klingon: Oh...Are you sure you don't want to at least try? |
| Bird of Prey | Klingon: ''Stop staring at my forehead ridges! My boobs are down there!'' |
| Silent Bob | At last Kirk didn't have to chat up the "guest of the week" at gun point! |
| Bird of Prey | Archer: ''Me Archer! I am Captain here! You understand? Big boss! This is my starship! S-t-a-r-s-h-i-p! That means that it flies through outer space! Whoosh! Where the stars are! Do you understand that?'' Klingon: ''I am a Klingon, not a moron!'' |
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